BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL took his wife and little daughter to MASLINS BEACH to visit a nudist camp.

The girl goes walking around on the beach and comes back to her mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger breasts than you."

The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are."

The girl goes and walks around again. She comes back to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger penises than dad." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are."

The girl goes on her way and comes running back to her mom again. "Mommy, mommy, Dad is talking to this really dumb blonde and the longer he talks, THE DUMBER HE GETS!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

During camouflage training at the woodside army barracks, private MAL disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You IDIOT!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes, sir," MAL answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a woodpecker drilled a hole in my trunk, and I did not move when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches.

"But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg, and I heard one say to the other "LETS EAT ONE NOW AND SAVE THE OTHER FOR WINTER" - THAT DID IT!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his girlfriend are on their way to elope. Before getting to the registry, the girl said to MAL that she has a confession to
make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If you wish to cancel the wedding,
its okay with her. MAL thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, MAL turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below my waist, it is just like a baby. If you want to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is flat as a washboard. Finally, MAL took off his clothes. One glance at MALS naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious, MAL asked: "I told you before we got married; why did you still faint?" The girl said; "You told me it was just like a baby". MAL replied: "YES 8 POUNDS AND 21 INCHES!!!".

[magpie in the 80's]

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.

Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The ACT. Before dad can even react,Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where ME AND THE MILKMAN USUALLY GET BUCKED OFF"

[Squawk]

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased
with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS IN THE FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next
day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.

[Lunchcutter]

15 ways to tell if you are a Collingwood Fan

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.

2. You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."

5. Someone in your family once died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"

6. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

7. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.

8. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: "Carn the Pies!"

9. You lit a match in the kitchen and your house exploded?..right off its wheels.

10. The market value of your car goes up and down depending on how much petrol is in it.

11. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

12. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

13. You can't marry your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

14. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

15. Your front veranda collapses and kills more than five dogs.



Q. What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?

A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.



Q. What's the difference between Collingwood and an arsonist?

A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.



Q. If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you avoid hitting him?

A. It could be your bicycle.



Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?

A. One in 3 million has a rough chance of becoming a human being.



Q. What do you have when 100 Collingwood fans are buried up to their necks in sand?

A. Not enough sand.



Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Collingwood fan on the road?

A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.



Q. You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan. You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?

A. Shoot the Collingwood fan. Twice.



Q. What's the difference between a female Collingwood fan and a PitBull?

A. Lipstick.



Q. Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, an intelligent Collingwood fan and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a$100 note. Who gets it?

A. The drunk, of course; the other three are mythical characters.



Q. What do Collingwood fans use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.



Q. What's the difference between a Collingwood fan and a trampoline?

A. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.



Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamp issue? They had Collingwood players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.



Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Collingwood jumper? The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family the embarrassment.



Collingwood fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a St. Kilda scarf.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Collingwood fans allowed in Heaven".

"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard. No Collingwood fans."

"But, but, but I've been a good man," replies the Collingwood supporter.

"Oh, really?" says St. Peter. "What have you done then?"

"Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa."

"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"

"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 20 bucks to the Tsunami Relief Fund."

"Okay," says St. Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the Governor." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.

He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and He agrees with me. Here's your 60 bucks back, now p#ss off!"



Mick Malthouse goes to a football reunion at Richmond and starts chatting with Terry Wallace. Terry says to Mick, "Well Mick, I don't know what you think of your players

at Collingwood, but mine here are all bright and brilliant.

"How do you know?" asks Mick.

"Oh well, it's simple", says Terry. "We put them through a special intelligence test before they can play here. Just pick any of my players and we will see how well he does."

Mick thinks for a while and then nominates Matthew Richardson.

Terry calls him over and asks him," Tell me Matty, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple plow," says Matthew, "it's me".

"Well done Matty", says Terry, and Mick is very impressed.

Mick returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence of the team.

He calls in Buckley and asks," Nathan, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

Nathan thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Mick, and I'll give you an answer tomorrow?"

"Of course," says Mick, "you've got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer."

Nathan goes away, thinks as hard as he can, and then he calls in his teammates. Rocca thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure. Tarrant was certain that it couldn't be anyone. McKee admitted he was sacked from Richmond for not knowing. Cloke also owned up to failing the test while trying to get a position at Punt Rd.

Prestigiacomo thought it could be a cousin in Italy who had been adopted as a child. The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess. Licuria went into the foetal position. 20 hours later, Nathan is very worried that he still has no answer with only 4 hours to go. Eventually Nathan says" I know, I'll ring James Hird! He's clever, he'll know the answer."

He calls James. "Hirdy," he says, "tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not you brother and is not your sister?"

"Very simple," says James, "it's me!"

"Of course!" says Nathan and immediately rings Mick.

"Mick," says Nathan," I've got the answer: it's James Hird."

"No, you idiot," says Mick. "It's Matthew Richardson."

[mal]

RATINGS RIME
Wow the gags keep flowing and still having a giggle reading this post
Im using a few of the jokes as they come through and generate laughs as well.
VIEWS 19315
With the ratings 7-0 is a passmark
8-0 + is rated as a gag I would tell other people
9-0 + I would be on stitches


MAGPIE OF THE 80S
------------------------
Still in sensational vogue and still bloody hillarious.

FRIDGE 7-5
CABBIES 7-3
PIGS 8-0 very nice aniMAL joke
LAWYERS 7-3
MOTHS 7-7
SPIT BOTTLE 7-1
HORSES DICK 7-7
MIRROR 7-2
STUTTER 8-3
MASLINS 7-3
SQUIRRELLS 7-3
8 PDS 12'' 7-6
MILKMAN 7-4

SQWARK

PASTORS ASS 7-5

LUNCHCUTTER 7-4 liked the matches + skid marks and they were both funny


MY TURN
----------

PUNK went to see his doctor about a couple of problems
PUNK:" Doctor I cant sleep at night and Ive got yellow marks on my penis
can you please help me its very disconcerting."
The doctor does some tests and inspects Punks head, and looks at his penis as well.
DOC: Punk Im going to prescribe you with some sleeping pills for your Insomnia."
PUNK: " Thanks doc but what about the yellow marks on my penis?"
DOC: " Well Punk you will just have to stop eating twisties late at night."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt with legs that won't quit walks up to his table and asked if he was ready to order.

"What would you like, sir? " MAL looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

"What would you like, sir?" Again MAL thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

M80'S sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, " hey MAL, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'!!! "

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey. He drinks all three and leaves. He comes in the next day and does the same thing. This goes on for a few weeks, when the bartender asks him what's up with the three shots of whiskey?

MAL says that he and his brothers made a pact that whenever one of them goes into a bar, they'll have a drink for each of them. The bartender says, "Wow, that's neat."

One day MAL walks in to the bar and only orders two shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them, and asks, "Why only two today? Did one of your brothers pass away?" "No," replied MAL, "I QUIT DRINKING!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help.

The store he went into specialized in parrots. As MAL wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised, MAL mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."

MAL is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, any subject you wish."

MAL says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

MAL buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him johnny howard said this, norwood won, the saints lost, the pope did so and so.

One day MAL comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

MAL says, "What's up?" The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

MAL says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."

MAL says, "He did??"

The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

MAL says, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I GOT A HARD-ON AND FELL OFF MY PERCH!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

After dinner and a movie, MAL drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to MAL'S kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly Mary, got out of the car and stomped home.

That night she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On their next date, MAL returned to the country road. As they were necking, he slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again she pulled away, got out of the car and stomped home.

That night she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time Mary didn't get home until very late. That night she wrote, "Dear diary: THERE COMES A TIME WHEN EVEN THE BEST OF FRIENDS MUST PART!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed MAL'S fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr MAL, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

MAL did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"

She was quite witty. "Why, no, Mr. MAL" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new
machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, MAL felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. MAL was still feeling fine. The doctor checked MAL'S blood pressure and was
amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. MAL continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, MAL encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with no pain.

MAL and his wife was ecstatic. however when they got home, they found BAYMAN was dead on their porch.

[magpie in the 80's]

80 yr. old MAL is in a nursing home and it's time for his bath.

His attractive nurse's aid unrobes him and begins to wash him. In a moment MAL asks that 70 yr old Mabel come in and hold his penis out of the way so that the nurse can wash underneath.

'why?', asks the nurse 'i am perfectly capable of doing that and washing you with my other hand.' 'no,I'd much rather have Mabel do that for you', he insists. with a hint of jealousy in her voice the nurse asks 'well what has Mabel got that i haven't got?'

"PARKINSON'S DISEASE" says MAL

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you lad?" says the copper.

"Yesss, Sssshombody stole me car!" BAYMAN replies.

The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key" says BAYMAN

About this time the cop looks down to see that BAYMAN'S member is being exhibited for all to see.

He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

BAYMAN looks down woefully and moans "OOH GOD...THEY GOT MY GIRLFRIEND TOO!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

MAL was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

MAL walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." MAL laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

MAL tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As MAL admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" MAL thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed MAL and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" MAL was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

MAL tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As MAL adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" MAL was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."

The salesman eyed MAL'S feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." MAL was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

MAL tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. MAL walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, MAL said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed MAL'S head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." MAL was still astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. MAL was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" MAL thought for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed MAL'S waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

MAL laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. IT WOULD PRESS YOUR TESTICLES UP AGAINST THE BASE OF YOUR SPINE AND GIVE YOU ONE HELL OF A HEADACHE!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks MAL and his wife, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" MAL replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks BAYMAN and his girlfriend, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" BAYMAN replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks SCD and his new wife, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the SCD replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.


"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said SCD, "WE'RE NOT WELCOME AT THE SUPERMARKET ANYMORE EITHER!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's: a Poodle, a Terrier and a Great Dane. They're all discussing what they're in for.

The Terrier says, "I can't help but bite the postman, every time he turns up I'm after him down the path. The Post Office have complained to my owners and they've agreed to put me down".

All the dogs agree that this is a great shame.

The Poodle then states why it's at the vet's. " Every time I see a car I'm over the fence and chasing after it. It's great fun, the problem is that a car I was chasing yesterday swerved to avoid me and crashed, killing the driver. My owners have decided that I should be put down so that I don't cause any more accidents".

The Poodle and the Terrier turn to the Great Dane to hear his story.

"Well, my owner had just had a bath" he says "she was bending over in the bedroom drying her legs, and I just couldn't resist it, I climbed aboard and had my way with her".

"So are you here to be put down as well then?" asked the Poodle.

"No" came the reply, "I'M GETTING MY TOENAILS TRIMMED!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

DUTCHY is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says DUTCHY taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

DUTCHY is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says DUTCHY taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" says DUTCHY

Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!!!!"