BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

Fevolas wife rings and says to Fev.
" Where the f..k are you?"
Fev replies
" Running late, been in a bingle."

[ronburgandy]

what does a 9v batteryand an a!se hole have in common?

your brain is telling you no, but you just cant help yourself but put your tongue on it!

[the tractor]

what does a 9v batteryand an a!se hole have in common?

your brain is telling you no, but you just cant help yourself but put your tongue on it!

Speak for yourself, Ron!!!!!

[the tractor]

A cannibal was squatting down having a turd, crying when his mate came up and asked what was the matter?
He replied " I just dumped my girlfriend!"

[the tractor]

Whats the best pick up line to use in a gay bar? (apparently)

"Hi there, may I push your stool in?"

[Strawb]

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.

Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid.

Ken I hev a volunteer."

Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd andsteps up to the stage.

Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"
After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000
Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting
50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end
global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened.

Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave
their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage,
eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"

Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000
Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and
scream...



"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[magpie in the 80's]

absolute f..cking funny strawb. i rate it 8.8

[Strawb]

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Action: Retire to rest room, practice in mirror.

Symptom: Don't remember words to the song.
Fault: None. Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone. Don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: You are dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Symptom: Floor is blurred.
Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself chained to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth full of cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to nearest dog; complain about house training

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault:: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If Not shout that you are being hi-jacked

Symptom: Bed hard and cold
Fault: You spent last night in a gutter
Action: Check and see if it is opening time if not treat yourself to a lie-in

[mal]

RATINGS TIME
18,276 VIEWS

MAGPIE80S
--------------

ALIENS 7-3
GDP RACE 7-9
BEER 7-4
ROOM 345 7-6
PHARMICIST 8-2
BICYCLE 7-5
SMUGGLING BIKES
CONDOMS 7-4
DEAD PRO. 7-4

A couple of rip snorters M80 keep up the great work

OUR LONG REACH
---------------------

MOPPING 7-4

RD
---

WOOLWORTHS SCAM 8-0

THE TRACTOR
----------------

MORGUE 7-6 sick
UDDER SIDE 7-4
CANNIBAL 7-3
GAY BAR 7-6

RONBURGANDY
---------------

BATTERY 7-5


STRAWB07
-----------------
KIWI JOKE 8-2




MALS TURN
--------------

Taxi driver picks up a fare at the Adelaide Airport
2 young rowdy lads caught the taxi one asks:
" Hey Driva wheres the best place to get a shiela in Adelaide ?"
" On the end of your dick mate!"

[magpie in the 80's]

now to update MALS jokes

MJ............. 7.0 an oldie
GREEK....... 7.3
FEV............7.8 LIKED IT
TAXI..........7.5

[magpie in the 80's]

One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell.

MAL walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone
how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell."

"Ok," says MAL "Well, for a while I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him. Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died.

Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..." PUNK ROOSTER walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story.

"Ok," says PUNK ROOSTER "So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me. But suddenly, this man MAL came running out and started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn't enough for MAL because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now I'm here."

"Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..." BAYMAN walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being
full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died.

"Ok," said BAYMAN "I don't know what happened. I was hiding naked inside of a refrigerator and now im here!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MALS wife, accompanied by her small daughter, were in adelaide. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby hanson street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. WHERE DO YOU THINK CABBIES COME FROM!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. MAL doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

MAL hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed.

Next morning, MAL wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, MAL wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, MAL cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and ONE OF THEM IS HONKING THE HORN!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as MAL was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. MAL asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?". "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.

Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I GOT HIM WITH THE DOOR!!!!"

[Coorong]

***

[magpie in the 80's]

MALS wife's ears pricked up. "Quick it's my husband coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom" she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, MAL came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile. "Great" he said "I'll just slip into the bathroom and will be with you in two shakes."

Before she could stop him he was into the bathroom where he found the ANOTHER GRUB clapping his hand in mid-air. "Who the devil are you!" MAL demanded. "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." ANOTHER GRUB replied. "But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered MAL.

ANOTHER GRUB looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said "THE LITTLE BASTARDS ARE QUICK!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

An inquisitive young BAYMAN was travelling in the train to another region of the country. BAYMAN noticed that the old man in front of him kept tilting a bottle he had in paper bag and taking a drink. BAYMAN got more and more mystifyed as he saw that the man did this every 5 minutes or so. A burning desire grew in him to check the bottle and its contents.

When the old man finally got up to use the restroom, BAYMAN siezed the opportunity and drank off the bottle. He tasted something sticky and tasetless. Upon the return of the old man, BAYMAN said to him "Sir, forgive me ,because I took a drink from your bottle to taste the drink you seemed to like so much, but i tasted something I have never tasted before. Can you tell me what it was.

The old man smiled at BAYMAN and said "you dumbass ,that was no drink. I have tubercolosis and that was my saliva that I SPAT IN THE BOTTLE!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

SCD walks into a pub with his horse and challenges anyone to make his horse laugh for $50. Everyone at the pub has a go at
trying to make the horse laugh without any luck. "thats's an easy $500 ive made says SCD to himself."

Then SCD claims to be able to make his horse laugh for $100. Having got the go from the pub dwellers, he whispers
something into the horse's ear and the horse starts laughing, much to the amazement of the people in the pub. SCD walks
away with $1000. "the same 10 guys fell for it says SCD easy money again."

A week later SCD arrives at the same pub and claims to be able to make his horse cry for $200. SCD then walks his horse to
the mens room and comes out in half a minute with his horse crying. SCD then collects his $2000 and walks out. "bloody idiots" says SCD.

BUT on they way out the bartender approaches him.

BAR TENDER: "How on earth did you manage to make that horse laugh ??"

SCD: "I told him my dick was bigger than his"

BAR TENDER: "Okay then how did you make him cry ??"

SCD: "Easy, I showed him my dick !!! ":shock:

[magpie in the 80's]

principal MAL of a small school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal MAL and the school cleaner waiting for them.

principal MAL explained that it was becoming a problem for the cleaner to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The cleaner then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls PRESSED THEIR LIPS TO THE MIRROR!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes into a bar. Bartender says "what'll ya have, fella?"

MAL stutters: "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."

Barkeeper makes the drink, hands it to MAL who says "th-th-th-th-th-thanks."

Barkeeper leans over the counter, and calls MAL, he then looks left & right, and whispers "Friend, I know this ain't none of my business, but you know, I used to stutter a whole lot. But my wife found the cure. You interested?"

"Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sure|" says MAL. Barkeeper looks again, left & right.

"My wife heard about this cure: she performed all kinds of magical, passionate, kinky sex on me and I was cured right then and there"

MAL thanks the bartender, tips him generously, and leaves. A week later MAL comes back into the bar.

"What'll it be tonight, Friend?" asks the barkeeper

MAL: "Yes, my good man, would you please mix for me one of your stupendous Scotch and Sodas, please?"

BARKEEPER: "Sure thing, Friend, and your speech is incredible. Glad to see you got rid of your stuttering"

MAL: "Thank you, kind sir. And may I say YOU HAVE A LOVELY HOUSE!!!!."