BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings. With a couple of
sideways glances Robbie pulls down her knickers and shags her senseless.

He stands back. "Your turn", he tells Elton.

But Elton starts crying.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit between the railings!"

love it 8-3 rating

[mal]

RATINGS
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16418 VIEWS

MAGNIFICENTOF THE 80S
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LIGHTHOUSE 7-4
ARSEHOLE 7-6
POPE 7-4
TURNEROUND 8-2 CLASSIC
BANK ROBBER 7-3
URINE TEST 7-3
SCHOOLBOY 7-4
ATR 8-1
CUCUMBER 7-3

great contribution magpie

SCD
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GLOW 7-4

LIZEAGLE
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KYLIE 8-3 good gag man!


MALS TURN
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What do you call a Lesbian with big fat thumbs
Well hung

[magpie in the 80's]

An alien couple landed on earth in a remote village garden and met MAL AND HIS WIFE who were very friendly and invited the aliens for dinner at their house.

After dinner the aliens sugested that they exchange partners and have sex.

next morning MAL was crying holding both his ears and both ears were blood red, on the other hand MAL'S WIFE was very happy.

she was told before starting sex that if she needs more penetration she should turn both the ears of the alien and his organ will become LONGER AND LONGER!!

[magpie in the 80's]

GLOBE DERBY RACE 1

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Willy
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry

RACING AT THE 1ST AT GDP

Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Willy is in a dangerous spot

AT THE 1600

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Willy is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly and Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Willy.

ON THE TURN TO HOME

Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Bare Belly is making a final push. Big Willy is in and
Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH

It's Big Willy giving everything he's got
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Willy has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Willy comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly slows,
Thighs weakens,
Heavy Bosom pulls up and
Clean Sheets never had a chance.!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL AND HIS WIFE had only been married for two weeks. MAL, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife: "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going coochi cooh...?" Asks MAL'S wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." says MAL

MAL'S wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him:
"You want a beer my love...?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc....

MAL doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is: "Yes, honey bunny ... but the bar .... you know ... the frozen glass."

MAL didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when MAL'S wife interrupts him by saying: "You want a frozen glass puppy face...?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the MAL'S wife was getting the chills from holding it.

MAL looking a bit pale says: "Yes, sweety pie, but at the bar they have those hoer's devours that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hoer's devours poochi pooh..?" MAL'S WIFE opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's devours ... chicken wings, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc...

"But honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." says MAL

"You want dirty words cutie pie...?" says MAL'S WIFE

"HERE, DRINK YOUR ******* BEER IN YOUR ******* FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR ******* SHIT HOER'S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE. YOU ******* ASSHOLE!!"

[our_longreach]

ANOTHER GRUB was at home one day when MRS GRUB was mopping the kitchen floor in the nude. MRS GRUB slipped over, did the splits and suctionned herself to the tiled kitchen floor.

ANOTHER GRUB was horrfied and tried to pull her from the floor with all his might but to no avail. MRS GRUB was going nowhere.

ANOTHER GRUB yelled out to his next door neighbour SCOOB for help. SCOOB came running over as quickly as he could and checked out the situation. Both ANOTEHR GRUB and SCOOB yanked at MRS GRUB but they couldn't shift her.

"I've got and idea" said SCOOB, "I'll run next door and get a hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles around her"

"Great idea" said ANOTHER GRUB, "off you go"

As SCOOB was running out the door he saw ANOTHER GRUB start playing with MRS GRUB's tits.

"What the bloody hell are your doing ANOTHER GRUB" yelled SCOOB, "there's no time for funny business"

ANOTHER GRUB replied "I'm trying to get her wet SCOOB so I can slide her into the bathroom where the tiles are less expensive"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast.

They are both quite startled. MAL turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'M IN ROOM 345!!

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist(MAL) thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, BAYMAN comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist(MAL). What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So MAL tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. BAYMAN buys a condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist(MAL) tells his clerk to go follow BAYMAN.

About 2 hours later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist(MAL) The clerk replies "HE WENT TO YOUR HOUSE!! "

[magpie in the 80's]

Three guys, MAL, SCOOB, ANOTHER GRUB, die and go to heaven. MAL goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: "Were you faithful to your wife?"

MAL answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another women."

St.Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while your in heaven."

SCOOB gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out."

St. Peter says, "See that new HOLDEN over there, that's your car to use in heaven."

ANOTHER GRUB answers the same question, "I have to admit, I chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women."

St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while your in heaven. MAL, SCOOB, ANOTHER GRUB go off on their seperate ways.

A few weeks later, SCOOB and ANOTHER GRUB are driving along when they see MAL'S Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find MAL with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in his hands on the bar. They come up to him and SCOOB says, "MAL, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!"

MAL says, "I saw my wife today!"

SCOOB and ANOTHER GRUB answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"

MAL answers, "SHE WAS RIDING A BICYCLE!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, MAL was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks MAL had on his
shoulders.

"What's in the bags?" "Sand," said MAL "Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. MAL did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across
the border.

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week, week in week out for 2 years until one day MAL with the sand bags failed to appear.

2 years later, the guard happened to meet MAL downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy," said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"

MAL tells the guard " I WAS SMUGGLING BICYCLES!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A young teenage girl enters a shop and asks for condoms.

The shop-owner can't believe his eyes: "Condoms at your age?

Look: there is still milk on your face!".

"IT IS'NT MILK!!!" she answers.

[magpie in the 80's]

ANOTHER GRUB walks into a whore house on hansen road and goes up to the lady at the front desk. "What can I get for a buck?" he says. She looks at him and says,"Go to the last room at the end of the hall and we'll have a girl waiting for you.

So ANOTHER GRUB heads on down the hall and goes into the last room there is. Low and behold sitting spread-eagle, naked on the bed is this beautiful blonde just waiting. Without further ado, ANOTHER GRUB drops his pants and starts going to town. He's working her over with everything he's got thinking of how good a bargain it was, even though she was being kinda quiet.

ANOTHER GRUB keeps going and then...he has one of the greatest orgasms of his life but right as he finishes, white stuff starts coming out of her nose, her mouth and her ears. Well ANOTHER GRUB freaks out and goes flying out of the room and back to the front desk while putting his clothes back on. He starts yelling until the lady comes up to the front desk. Then he
tells her how all of that white stuff was spurting out of the girl he was getting it on with. Hearing this, the lady at the front desk turns to the door behind her and yells,"MT79!!!!!! The dead one's full again!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MALS TURN
-------------

What do you call a Lesbian with big fat thumbs
Well hung

UUUMMMM OK 7

[the tractor]

A medical lecturer is teaching 10 interns one day in the morgue.
A corpse lays on the table.
"Two lessons I will teach you all today." he starts.
"Number 1. You can NEVER be discusted with ANYTHING about the human body."
With that he sticks his finger up the corpse's backside then sticks it into his mouth.
The interns are discusted, naturally.
The lecturer then asks the interns that if they wish to be a doctor, they need to do the same.
Reluctantly each intern lines up and sticks their finger up the backside, then into their mouth.
As most of the interns are now gagging and dry-reaching, the lecturer says,
"Number 2. PAY ATTENTION! No-one noticed I swapped fingers!!"

[mal]

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose
From a catalogue.



How do you seperate Greek boys from Greek men
With a crowbar.

[rd]

Everybody be careful out there. A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Woolworths customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Woolworths. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also January 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So be careful out there.

[our_longreach]

Everybody be careful out there. A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Woolworths customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Woolworths. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also January 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So be careful out there.

....And the moral of the story is to make sure you have plenty of wallets?

[rd]

I've noticed Woolworths have now stocked up on cheap $2 wallets that are selling very fast!

[mighty_tiger_79]

which woolies do these girls normally hang around???????????

might have to recruit them for AG!!!!!!!

[the tractor]

Here's one from my 6 yr old daughter.

Why did the baby cow cross the road?

To get to the 'udder' side.