BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

A large woman, in a sleevless sun dress, walks into a Pub in Berlin.
She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”.
The Pub goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an old, squinted-eyed bob. slams his hand down on the bar and bellows, “Give the ballerina a drink!”.
The Publican pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks, ‘What man here will buy a lady a drink?”.
Once again, Bob slaps his money down on the bar and says, “Give the ballerina another drink!”.
The Publican approaches the little jimmy man and says, “Tell me, Paddy, it’s your own darn business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why in tarnation do you keep calling her the ballerina?”
Bob replies, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

[locky801]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

[Brodlach]

Three golf clubs went into a bar.

The putter asked for a beer.

The wedge ordered Tequila.

The third said, "Nothing for me. I'm the driver."

[locky801]

NEVER PISS OFF A NURSE
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually, he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

[locky801]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[locky801]

There once was a young bloke named Mort
who’s equipment was incredibly short
When he climbed into bed
his new girlfriend said
F*ck, that’s not a d*ck … That’s a wart!

[mal]

Locky Rooster and Lefty Mcqueen went to a SANFL match
At half time they went into the cafeteria, sat down and took out their sandwiches to eat
The Cafe manager took offence and demanded
" You two can't eat your own sandwiches in a licensed premise"
So Locky and Lefty swapped sandwiches.

[locky801]

Don't ask a question you really don't want an answer to

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!

[locky801]

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch".
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pair of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotised. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact".
"SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited there again.

[mal]

Keep up the good work Laughy801

[locky801]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's Licence to verify my age
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

[locky801]

Sorry to the Royalists on this site but couldnt resist

Preparing to start my appearances as Santa this Saturday. That bring out the young people with their "letters to Santa." Some are just focusses on present suggestions while others offer heart warming, or personal notes. I would just like to share this one.
"Dear Santa,
When I was a child, my Father cheated on my mum. Later my parents divorced.
Soon after, my mother died in a car accident.
My brother and I could only live in my grandma”s old house.
Grandma’s sister was an alcoholic. The whole family lived on my grandma’s savings. Grandma recently died.
My Uncle Andy is barely keeping himself out of gaol from day to day.
My brother left home, and wont talk to us any more.
Dad, now 75, had to go out to work recently to support the family, and eventually he is going to want me to do the same thing.
Please think of me this Christmas.
Your Sincerely
Prince William"

[locky801]

An attractive woman walks in a bar and sees an Army General in uniform sitting all by himself. She goes over and sits down and after a while of small talk, she asks him "How long since you made love to a good looking woman?" He replied "1956 ma'am". She replied "Wow, thats too long, Come up to my room General and we'll soon change that"
Off they go and after some serious love making, she says to him, "I've got to say that you certainly haven't forgotten how to do it in that time!"
The General replied " I should hope not, as it’s only 2130 hrs now"

[mal]

Xmas soon
Getting into the Xmas spirits no doubt for Boozney and Another Grogrub
Whiskey , Brandy, Ouzo ...

[Spargo]

Xmas soon
Getting into the Xmas spirits no doubt for Boozney and Another Grogrub
Whiskey , Brandy, Ouzo ...

Single & Double MALts…

[mal]

An attractive woman walks in a bar and sees an Army General in uniform sitting all by himself. She goes over and sits down and after a while of small talk, she asks him "How long since you made love to a good looking woman?" He replied "1956 ma'am". She replied "Wow, thats too long, Come up to my room General and we'll soon change that"
Off they go and after some serious love making, she says to him, "I've got to say that you certainly haven't forgotten how to do it in that time!"
The General replied " I should hope not, as it’s only 2130 hrs now"

I had a giggle over this one
Classic Laughy801 gag !

[locky801]

A good friend of mine was sitting at the bar last night when an attractive young lady came up to the bar
He was impressed by her looks so he asked her if he could buy her an alcoholic drink
She said No alcohol is not good for my legs to which he replied why, do the swell.'
The young lady replied, No, they spread

[locky801]

What do tofu and a vibrator have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.

[locky801]

A man bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got
some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with 'hm."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked, "What
happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made
a profit of $898."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

[locky801]

Simon and his uncle were involved in a car crash. Simon's uncle was killed and Simon's legs were crushed and had to be amputated. However Simon's uncle's legs were unmarked so the doctors grafted his uncle's legs onto his stumps, but he had to learn to walk again. To while away the time during rehab, he learnt to play the guitar and sing. He became really good and started performing in pubs as Simon and Halfuncle.