BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

santa claus makes his way down the chimney and is greeted by this gorgeous blonde.

she says "hey santa how about giving me a special present?" "i know you would like to come to my bedroom!!"

santa responds "ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go. gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

the lovely young thing peels off her robe revealing a skimpy little negligee. santa looks up from his sack of gifts and she says "i've got something special for you santa, can't you stay for just a little while?" "i know you want me. let me make this xmas eve unforgetable!!"

santa responds "ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta go. gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

not to be denied, shes strips off her negligee revealing her naughty bits and says "santa this is your last chance. this body is your gift!!!!"

santa responds "hey hey hey, gotta stay, gotta stay. can't get up the chimney with my D..CK this way!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

there was this cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"nice bike." said the cop "did santa bring it to you?" "yep, he sure did" said the boy.

the cop noticed the boy wasn't wearing a bike helmet so he wrote him a ticket for $20 bucks. "next year ask santa for a helmet kid" said the cop.

"nice horse you got there officer, did santa bring it to you?" says the boy. the cop keeping with the xmas spirit says "yeah he sure did"

the little boy looked up at the cop and said "next year tell santa to put the D..CK underneath the horse instead of on top!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

one year MAL decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a christmas gift.

the next year MAL didn't buy her anything.

when she asked him why he didn't buy her a gift this year.

MAL replied "WELL, YOU STILL HAVEN'T USED THE GIFT I BOUGHT YOU LAST YEAR!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN, SCD and MAL were at GDP before xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks and a bet, when they decided to get in on the xmas raffle. they each bought 5 $1 tickets, seeing it was for charity. the following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

BAYMAN won 1st prize, a huge xmas hamper with all the trimmings. SCD won 2nd prize, a carton of beer and 2 bottle of grog.
MAL won the last prize, a toilet brush.

when they met at GDP the following week after xmas MAL asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

BAYMAN said " the hamper was great and i still have food left over.
SCD said " i got so drunk with the prize i won." BAYMAN asks MAL "how's the toilet brush going?"

"not so good." replies MAL " I RECKON I'LL GO BACK TO PAPER!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

2 daughters had been given parts in a xmas pagent at their church.

at dinner that night, the 2 daughters got into an arguement as to who had the most important role.

finally the 17 y.o. said to her 12 y.o. sister "well you ask mum. she'll tell you it's much harder to be a VIRGIN than it is to be an ANGEL!!"

[Strawb]

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
Drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you
try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your
house?

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport,
owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine.
Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following
fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.


The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom
via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large
portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This
answers the second questions after a night out, 'How did I spend so much
money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries),
such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes, in
descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately
one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often
lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to
The wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe
up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special
anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house
and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is he
TAS(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
Apparently get through 260 Winnie Blues in a single night.

P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

[the tractor]

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?



Cos they're ugly and they stink!

[Punk Rooster]

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
Drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you
try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your
house?

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport,
owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine.
Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following
fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.


The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom
via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large
portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This
answers the second questions after a night out, 'How did I spend so much
money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries),
such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.

This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes, in
descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately
one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often
lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to
The wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe
up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special
anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house
and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is he
TAS(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
Apparently get through 260 Winnie Blues in a single night.

P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

at least now I know how I got home from the NAFC Best & Fairest last year!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decide to go visit his doctor.

he asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. the doctor said "when you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.

that same day, MAL went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. all excited to try this suggestion, MAL ran home to his wife. at home MAL found his wife naked in bed and waiting.

as the 2 began, they found themselves in the 69 position. MAL moments later felt the urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starters pistol.

the nex day MAL went back to his doctor. the doctor asked "how did it go MAL?"

MAL answered "not that good doc." "when i fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour jumped out of the wardrobe WITH HIS HANDS IN THE AIR!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN are changing in the locker room at the gym, when BAYMAN notices MAL wearing a bra and panties.

"HEY MAL how long have you been wearing womans underwear?" asks BAYMAN.

MAL replies "EVER SINCE MY WIFE FOUND THEM IN THE GLOVE DEPARTMENT!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL is in a line at woolies when he notices this gorgeous busty blonde staring at him. MAL can't believe his eyes, so he looks at her again and now she is waving at him.

"excuse me but do i know you?" MAL askes her. "yes i think you are the father of one of my kids." she replies.

MAL thinks back and remembers his one act of infedelity and says "f....cking hell are you the bird i shagged on my bucks night, whilst your girlfriend whipped me and your other friend stuck her hair brush up my arse."

"NO!!" she replies "I'M YOUR DAUGHTERS ENGLISH TEACHER AT SCHOOL!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL finds a $10 note in the street. he decides to go to the pub and buys a bottle of white wine. after duly knocking back the plonk MAL falls into a drunken state and collapses in the alleyway.

10 minutes later a homosexual happens to notice MAL sprawled out in the alleyway. not having greased his pole for quite awhile the homosexual whips MAL'S pants down and gives him one right up MAL"S royal date. as the homo is about to walk away he gets the rush of guilts so he tucks a $10 note into MAL'S hand.

when MAL woke up a bit later he couldn't believe his eyes when he found the money in his hand. so being the drinker he is, MAL races down to the pub and buys another bottle of white. yet again he downs the vino and passes out in the alleyway again.

sure enough the homo is walking pass and notices MAL asleep in the alleyway. again the homo can't help himself and gives MAL another going over up the royal date. as he finished he got the guilts again, so he put another $10 note in MAL'S hand.

when MAL woke up he couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the tenner so he rushed back to the pub and grabbed a bottle of red and hands it to the barman. the barman asked MAL why he bought a bottle of red when earlier in the night he had bought whites.

to which MAL replies 'I QUITE LIKE THE WHITE WINE BUT IT DOESN'T HALF MAKE MY F....CKING ARSE SORE!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL has struck up a conversation with this blonde at the bar.

after a couple of drinks and chatting MAL askes her back to his place, to which she agrees.

after some great sex, she lies there stroking MAL'S prick.

MAL asks " do you want more sex sweet heart?!!"

"NO" she replies, "i'm just admiring your cock......I REALLY MISS MINE!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

one morning while making breakfast, MAL walked up to his wife and pinched her arse and said "you know if you firmed this up you could get rid of your girdle."

next morning MAL woke his wife with a pinch on her tit and said "you know if you firmed these up you could get rid of your bra"

she rolled over and grabbed MAL'S dick and said "you know if you could firm this up i could get rid of THE POSTMAN, THE MILKMAN, THE GARDENER, THE WINDOW CLEANER AND YOUR BROTHER!!!!!"

[mal]

RATINGS
-----------

M80S

carols 7-5
santa 7-2
horse 7-6
cemetry 7-4
toilet brush 8-1
sisters 7-5
ejaculation 7-7
underwear 7-4
teacher 7-9
white wine 7-4
blonde sex 7-8
wife 8-3

TRACTOR

rating 7-6

STRAWB

rating 7-5


MALS TURN

What do you call a c..t halfway up a horses back ?
Officer.

[our_longreach]

Little Johnny was sitting in class when the Miss Smith, the teacher wrote the word for the day "contagious" on the board and asked the children to make a sentence out of it.

Jenny puts her hand up and say "My brother has chicken pox and it is very contagious"
"Well done" says Miss Smith, "anyone else"

Bobby puts his hand up and says "My mummy says if you catch the flu it can be contagious"
"Excellent" says Miss Smith, "who is next"

Little Johnny puts his hand up and says "The other day I was with my dad and saw this truck full of oranges roll over and the oranges spilled out everywhere. The truck driver was chasing oranges around all over the road and my dad laughed and said it was going to take that "c*nt ages" to pick them all up"

[mal]

There was a guy called George who applied for a job with a sports Bookmaker.
He was asked a few questions but lacked the qualifications for the job.
BOOKIE: " Im sorry George but your under qualified."
GEORGE: " Can I prove my sporting knowledge?"
BOOKIE: " By all means."
GEORGE: " Remember Nostradamus."
BOOKIE: " Yes."
GEORGE: " Well I can predict the scores in the EPL before the games start this week."
BOOKIE: " I tell you what Georgie if your that good I will promise you a job, now tell me the scores in these 3 games M UTD V CHELSEA/WEST HAM V ARSENAL/EVERTON V WIGAN."
GEORGE: " If I do will I get the job?"
BOOKIE : " Yes now the scores please."
GEORGE " The scores before the games start this week are all 0-0 all, now the job...."

[Punk Rooster]

There was a guy called George who applied for a job with a sports Bookmaker.
He was asked a few questions but lacked the qualifications for the job.
BOOKIE: " Im sorry George but your under qualified."
GEORGE: " Can I prove my sporting knowledge?"
BOOKIE: " By all means."
GEORGE: " Remember Nostradamus."
BOOKIE: " Yes."
GEORGE: " Well I can predict the scores in the EPL before the games start this week."
BOOKIE: " I tell you what Georgie if your that good I will promise you a job, now tell me the scores in these 3 games M UTD V CHELSEA/WEST HAM V ARSENAL/EVERTON V WIGAN."
GEORGE: " If I do will I get the job?"
BOOKIE : " Yes now the scores please."
GEORGE " The scores before the games start this week are all 0-0 all, now the job...."

& not to be oudone, one of George's mates went up to the Bookie beforehand & took a treble- draw x draw x draw- the Bookie promptly paid out

[Lunchcutter]

thanks for the laughs... i have been sitting here peeing myself laughin.. l think its funny how you substitute regular safooty'ers names in your jokes.. absolutely cracks me up... iam glad some people can still have a joke without getting their arse in their hand (offended)

[mal]

Lunchcutter that Magpie man has the best and largest range of jokes
I know I kick started the thread but he has been the heart and ar soul of this thread.

14530 POSTS thanks magpie and others for the ratings.


_________________________________________________________________________

What does sperm and an Ashley Giles off break have in common?
Only one in a million works