BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[RustyCage]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

[RustyCage]

A Power supporter who was working on contract for 3 months in the UK, was drinking in a local pub in
Warwick England, gets a Call on his mobile phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he
announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Power supporter just shrugs,
"That's about average down Alberton way. Like I said, my boy is a typical baby boy.
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ al mighty" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Power supporter returns to the bar.
The bartender says "You're the father of that typical baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks we were going to call you.
So, how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, '20 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned.
"What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Power supporter father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans
onto the bar and proudly says.............."Had him circumcised mate"

[RustyCage]

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name! anyone else," Colin says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Colin asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony, and the man next to me said, "Who the f**ks that on the balcony with Colin?"

[bayman]

THE ENGLISH CRICKET TEAM

[mal]

THE ENGLISH CRICKET TEAM

rating 8-8

[mal]

What do you call a beautiful looking woman on Baymans arm?
A tatoo

RATINGS
-------------
__________
DOGMATIC
___________

pushing car 8-2 clever
___________________
MAGPIE IN THE 80S
___________________

bad light 8-2 funny
out 7-2
start tomorrow 7-2
worst spell bowling 8-1 hahahahaha
13 wides 7-2
no ball not out 7-5[ was actually a true story about legendary pommy batsman W G GRACE]
reb direction 7-3
baby duck 8-2 very funny
___________
PAFC 1870
___________

aint your day 8-0 disgusting
beeranalysis 7-5
kevin 7-3
head/shoulders 8-2 classic
golf 7-7
84yo 7-4
vinnies tomatoes 8-0 smart
pilots 8-0 good
adultery 7-4
duck 7-2
gay roster 8-2 funny
circumsized 8-0 funny
colin /pope 7-7

good work lads

PS BAYMAN your cricket joke was funny today.

11,087 VIEWS

[Punk Rooster]

What does Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both wear gloves for no apparent reason!

What is the definition of optimism?
An English batsman applying sunscreen.

What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball taken is a wicket?
A bat.

What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
At least they can say they're not really English.

What is the English version of a hat-trick?
Three runs in three balls.

What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A bowler.

Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
Because he was born in England.

What does "Ashes" stand for?
Another Sad Horrific English Series.

What's the English version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped!

[scoob]

THE ENGLISH CRICKET TEAM

Duncan Fletcher.....is he for real???

[MW]

An Elizabeth girl went down to the Centrelink to get her family allowance.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne, and Wayne," she answered.
"They're all named Wayne ?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call "Wayne" and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Wayne, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[mal]

An Elizabeth girl went down to the Centrelink to get her family allowance.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne, and Wayne," she answered.
"They're all named Wayne ?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call "Wayne" and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Wayne, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

That is quite a funny joke MW
8-0

[magpie in the 80's]

a little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. she stands near the barbers chair eating a cake, while her dad gets his hair cut. the barber smiles at her and says "sweetheart, your gonna get hair on your muffin." "i know" she replies. "i'm gonna get tits too!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

a family of cricket supporters headed out to do some christmas shopping.

while in a sports shop, the son picked out an english cricket top and said to his sister "iv'e decided to become an england supporter and i would like this for christmas. his sister was outraged and promptly whacked him across the head, telling him to go talk to mum.

mum iv'e decided to become an england supporter and i would like this england cricket top for christmas. the mother is outraged and promptly whacked him across the head, telling him to go talk to your father.

dad iv'e decided to become an england supporter and i would like this england cricket top for christmas. the father is outraged and whacked him across the head. "no son of mine is ever going to be seen in that" says dad.

about half an hour had passed as they all hopped into the car and headed for home. the father turns to his son and says "son i hoped you learnt something today"

"yes dad i have" said the son "and whats that?" said dad.

to which the son replied "iv'e only been an england supporter for only an hour and already i HATE YOU AUSSIE BASTARDS!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

every sunday morning MAL goes fishing. he gets up nice and early, makes his lunch, grabs the dog, hops into his car.

coming out of his garage it starts to pour down with rain, like a monsoon. there is snow mixed in with the rain, the winds are up to 60km an hour. MAL returns his car back to the garage and goes back inside his house and flicks on the weather station. MAL finds out that its going to get worse for the rest of the day, so he returns the dog to its kennel, quitely undresses and slips back into bed.

there MAL cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers "the weather out there is terrible." to which she sleepily replies "CAN YOU BELIEVE MY STUPID HUSBAND IS OUT THERE FISHING IN IT!!!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

LOCKER ROOM MOBILE PHONE CONVERSATION

MAL: "hello"
WOMAN: "honey its me, are you at the club?"
MAL: "yes"
WOMAN: "im at the mall dear and found this beautiful leather coat. its only $1000. if its okay can i buy it?"
MAL: "sure go ahead if you like it so much."
WOMAN: "i also stopped by the mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. i saw one i really like.
MAL: "how much?"
WOMAN: "$100,000
MAL: "OK if its that much i want it with all the options"
WOMAN: "OK, i'll see you later. i love you"
MAL: "bye i love you too"

MAL hangs up the phone. the other men in the locker room are looking at MAL in astonishment. then MAL asks
"ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS PHONE BELONGS TOO!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

the adelaide zoo had aquired a very rare species of a gorilla. within a few weeks, the gorilla being female became very difficult to handle. upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that she was in heat. what to do? there was no male gorilla of her species.

while reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed MAL, an employee responsible for cleaning out the animal cages. now MAL, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but MAL wasn't to bright.

so the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. perhaps they could entice MAL to satisfy the female gorilla.
so they approached MAL with their proposition. would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.
MAL replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over.

the following day, MAL announced that he would except their offer, but only under 3 conditions.
"1st " MAL said "i don't want to have to kiss her" "2nd i want nothing to do with any offspring that may occur after our sex."

the zoo administration quickly accepted to these terms but said " what about your 3rd condition?"

"WELL" MAL said "YOUR GONNA HAVE TO GIVE ME ANOTHER WEEK TO COME UP WITH THE $500!!!!

[the tractor]

Mal walks into a bar, sits down and spys a georgous blonde sitting just down from him.
He says to the barman " Hey, whats that georgous blonde drinking cos I want to buy her one?"
The barman replies " Dont bother old son, she's a lesbian."
Mal says " Oh, that doesn't matter, I'll buy her a drink anyway."
So the barman gets her a drink and she peers down at Mal and gives him an uninterested half smile.
He walks down to the lass, introduces himself, then asks " so what part of Lesbia are you from then?"

[Dutchy]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,
fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy
was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about
his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,
he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with
him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little
Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too
embarrassed to say."

[the tractor]

A man who has just gone through a nasty divorce finds a genie in a bottle.
"Ok, you know the drill. 3 wishes BUT whatever you wish for your ex-wife will receive double, so choose wisely".
The man firstly wishes for 10 million dollars. POOF! 10 million now sat in front of him.
"Your ex now has 20 million" says the genie.
Next the man wishes for a big high rise apartment block down at the bay. POOF! He was the owner of a massive apartment block.
"Your ex now owns 2 Big apartment blocks."
A smile creeps over the mans face as he says "For my last wish, could you now beat me half to death."

[mal]

RATINGS
----------

Some more good jokes
MAGPIE continues to find the funniest jokes Ive read

M80S

big tits 7-4
england supporter 7-7
fishing 7-5
phone 8-2 top notch
$500 zoo 7-5

Good batch Maggie

TRACTOR
======

lesbia 7-4
double wish 7-7

DUTCHY
^^^^^^

dancer 8-5 bloody brilliant dutchy, didnt know you had it in you.

MALS TURN

An American man roots a German hooker.
" That wuz fantastic, is three hundred US enough ?"
" Sir I would prefer Marks please."
" Ok love 8 out of ten."

[magpie in the 80's]

bayman, mt79 and MAL die in a car accident on the way home from GDP on christmas eve.

they all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven.

to enter they must show something christmassy.

bayman searches his pockets and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

mt79 presents a cracker, so he is allowed in.

MAL pulls out a pair of panties.

confused at this last gesture, st. peter asks "how does this represent christmas?"

MAL answers "THEIR CAROL'S!!!!!"