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Postby magpie in the 80's » Sat Nov 18, 2006 7:06 pm

3 women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriend's when they decided they would give them nicknames based on different soft drinks.

the 1st woman said "i'm gonna call MT79 MOUNTAIN DEW" because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it.

the 2nd woman said "i'm gonna call BAYMAN 7-UP" because he has 7 inches and it's always up.

the 3rd woman said " i'm gonna call my man JACK DANIELS"

the other 2 women responded: "JACK DANIELS? but thats a hard liquor.!!!"

to which the 3rd woman says "THAT"S MY MAL!!!!" :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby mal » Sat Nov 18, 2006 7:52 pm

RATINGS
----------

MT79

2 GALLONS 7-1
BOTTOM 7-3
DR BAYMAN 8-2 nice one tigerboy

M80'S

GOLF 7-5
PARROTT 8-4 still laughing
BUZZARD 7-2
HARD LICKER 8-0 hahahahahaha


MALS joke

What do you call a woman who knows exactly where her husband is every night?
A widow.
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Postby Dogmatic » Mon Nov 20, 2006 8:20 pm

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong
he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John,
desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and
closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and
the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then,
just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned
the wheel.

John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time
they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so,
gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of
tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience
he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were
also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford
sobbing
at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce..
here's the f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
For every one I miss I am closer to a hole in one.
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Sun Dec 03, 2006 12:20 pm

at a drinks interval every player rushed to the bar where the local publican had thoughtfully provided a case of light ale to the players. unfortunately the ale was off and halfway through the 2nd innings, everyone was so ill they had to abandon the match. it was a case of bad light stopping play :lol:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Sun Dec 03, 2006 12:25 pm

an american who knew nothing of the game of cricket had been taken to a few games by his mate MAL, and was studying the end of season averages.

every now and then he came across an asterik and the words: "signifies not out"

finally this american turns to his mate MAL and says "why don't you get this guy signifies to play for you MAL? HE'S NEVER OUT!!" :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Sun Dec 03, 2006 12:39 pm

BOONEY asks MAL "you have to be fit to play cricket MAL don't you?"

MAL replies "you sure do BOONEY, i get up at 5am, run for 2 miles then do 4 hours of exercise!!"

"how long have you been doing that MAL?" asks BOONEY

"i start tomorrow !!!" says MAL :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Sun Dec 03, 2006 12:44 pm

when MAL was in school the english teacher who also doubled up as the sports teacher asked him to spell "BOWLING"

back came MALS answer "B.O.E.L.I.N" "that" said the teacher is the worst spell of bowling iv'e ever seen!!!" :wink:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Sun Dec 03, 2006 1:01 pm

MAL and BOONEY were 2 old bowlers who were fierce rivals at cricket in their days. one day they decided to have a game between themselves to see who was the better player.

BOONEY laboured for an hour batting, making only 12 runs before MAL bowled BOONEY with his only straight delivery.

both men were exhausted, and MAL decide he was too stuffed to bat and made his way to the bar, even though BOONEY had only to bowl at the empty wicket and break it to win.

as MAL lay slumped in the bar having a beer, an amused REB strolled in and said congratulations MAL.

" what do you mean REB?" asks MAL.

"havn't you heard MAL" says REB "BOONEY BOWLED 13 WIDES!!!!" :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Sun Dec 03, 2006 1:10 pm

a famous batsman (MAL) was the big attraction when he was asked (by ECKEY) to be a guest player for the local team.

the fast bowler, anxious to impress keyed himself up to put everything into his first ball.

he ran up and hurled down an absolute screamer which took MALS off stump.

"NO BALL!!!!!" called the umpire.

and then said to the bowler "CALM DOWN, YOU IDIOT. THEY'VE COME TO SEE MAL BAT, NOT YOU BOWL!!!!!" :shock: :lol:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Sun Dec 03, 2006 1:17 pm

REB kept hitting MAL to the square leg boundary every ball he bowled.

the captain decided to take MAL off saying "sorry MAL but i'm gonna bring BOONEY on he knows how to sort REB out."

REB duly knocked BOONEY over his head for 6 off his 1st ball.

"i see your idea captain." says MAL "YOU MADE REB CHANGE DIRECTION!!!!!!" :shock:
Last edited by magpie in the 80's on Mon Dec 04, 2006 8:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby magpie in the 80's » Sun Dec 03, 2006 1:56 pm

MAL being an expectant father rang the hospital to see how his pregnant wife was doing.

by mistake MAL dialled the wrong number and rang the MCG.

"how's it going." asked MAL.

"fine." came the answer "we've got 2 out already and hope to have the rest out by lunch. the last one was a DUCK!!" :shock:
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. - Rodney Dangerfield (1921 - 2004)
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Postby RustyCage » Tue Dec 05, 2006 12:56 am

While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,

"Cupcake, this just ain't gonna be your day..."
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
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Postby RustyCage » Tue Dec 05, 2006 12:58 am

Beer contains female hormones: Last month, National University of
Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that
revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each, within a one
hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
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Postby RustyCage » Tue Dec 05, 2006 12:59 am

At a healing service a guy asks the audience who is in need of healing he
spots 2 people raising their hand and asks them to come up on stage.

He then asks the guys what their names and their problems are ...

... the first guy says 'I-I-I a-am J-J-J-oey a-a-nd-d- I-I h-have a-a-a st-t-t-t-tut
-t-tering p-p-problem.'

... the second guy says 'I am Kevin and I havent been able to walk for 3
years' (he is on crutches).

So they are told to stand behind a curtain and think to themselves i can heal
i will heal.

After they have done this the healer says 'Kevin if you really believe throw
your crutches away.'

The audience gasps as the crutches come flying over the curtain then the
healer says now joey if you really believe say something................










'K-K-K-ev-v-vin h-h-ha-s f-f-f-fall-ll-en ov-v-v-er.'
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
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Postby RustyCage » Tue Dec 05, 2006 1:02 am

A Blonde and a Brunette were in an elevator with a man. They both noticed he had some dandruff on his shirt, but were too nice to say anything to him about it.

Once he finally got out two floors later, the Brunette said, "Wow, somebody should give that man some Head n Shoulders" and the Blonde replied, "How do you give shoulders?"
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
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Postby RustyCage » Tue Dec 05, 2006 1:04 am

How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad
I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy
pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and
the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forget."
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
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Postby RustyCage » Tue Dec 05, 2006 1:17 am

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of
nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for
a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."


An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.

love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m.the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
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Postby RustyCage » Tue Dec 05, 2006 1:19 am

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
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Postby RustyCage » Tue Dec 05, 2006 1:21 am

A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest is giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments.
Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the
man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...
Man: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
Father: Go ahead, son.
Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack. Father: Is that so?
Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments and I changed my mind.
Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing
the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"
Man: No. It was when you started talking about "Thou shalt not commit adultery" then I remembered where my hat was!
I'm gonna break my rusty cage and run
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Postby RustyCage » Tue Dec 05, 2006 1:22 am

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any **** bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your **** beak to the bar you irritating b**tard of a f**king bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?
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