BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

little BAYMAN was playing in the field on BIG BAYMANS farm when MRS.BAYMAN calls him in for breakfast. on his way in little BAYMAN kicked a cow, then a pig and a chicken. so when he gets to the table all he sees is a dry bowl of cereal.

"what's the deal??" says little BAYMAN. his mum says " well you kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig, so no bacon for you and you kicked the chicken, so no eggs for you!!!"

then BAYMAN entered the kitchen and accidently kicked the cat.

to which little BAYMAN says "DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL HIM OR WILL YOU!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

1.MAL, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2.hard at work at his desk. he works independantly, without
3.wasting company time talking to colleagues. MAL never
4.thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5.finishes given assignments on time. often he takes extended
6.measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7.breaks. MAL is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8.vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9.knowledge in his field. i firmly believe that MAL can be
10. classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11.dispensed with. consquently, i recommend that MAL be
12.promoted to executive management and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
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that idiot MAL was standing over my shoulder while i wrote the report i sent earlier today.

"KINDLY RE-READ ONLY THE ODD NUMBERED LINES" "THANKYOU"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL

PUNK ROOSTER JOKE 7.7

[the tractor]

Murphy calls in to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says "Me feet are freezin, mate. Do ya tink you could pop upstars and grab me slippers?"
"Sure ting." Murphy replies and runs up the stairs only to see Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters relaxing on their beds.
"Hello dere girls. Your Da's sent me up here to shag you both."
"Fook off ya liar." they respond.
"I'll prove it." says Murphy.
So he shouts down the stairs " both of them Paddy?"
"Of course" answers Paddy, " whats the use of fookin' one?"

[mal]

The price of lamb has just gone up in New Zealand.
To a $120 per hour

Liked it tractor.

[Squawk]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, safety and emergency procedures.

Finally, she said, "Now just sit back, relax and enjoy your flight in the capable hands of your captain, Judith Campbell, and her crew."

A man sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? The captain's a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he asked "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," replied one of the the attendants, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said the man, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit "

" It's the box office."

[Punk Rooster]

What's the definition of a Jewish dilemma?

Free pork.

[Squawk]

What's the definition of a Jewish dilemma?

Free pork.

Send that one to Borat while he is still here in Oz!

[Punk Rooster]

Why do Jews have big noses?

Because air is free...

[Leaping Lindner]

Why do Jews have big noses?

Because air is free...

Mmmmm

[the tractor]

Two hikers are walking through the forest when a huge grizzly bear walks onto the track aways up ahead.
The bear see's the hikers and starts heading towards them.
One of the hikers drops his backpack, pulls out his runners and begins to don them.
"What are you doing, you won't out run that bear!" says the second hiker.
"I don't need to out run the bear, just out run you!"

[smac]

How was copper wire invented?

A Jew and a Scot were fighting over a 2 cent coin.

[mal]

Me and Bayman were at the Bay Disco many years ago in our single days.
A girl walked past us and said.
" Hi Mal hi Bayman."
It was a shiela called Carol.
I said to Bayman, " How do you know Carol."
A proud Bayman responds,
" Mal,you know me, about 6 months ago I slept with her, how does she know you?"
" Well I never slept with her Bayman, she wouldnt let me sleep!"

Any ratings appreciated chaps.


RATINGS........351 REPLIES.....9,314 VIEWS

M80S
SINUSES 8-0 LIKED IT
POPE................7-3
SATAN..............7-3
LITTLE BAYMAN 7-2

TRACTOR
TWINS..............8-2 CLASSIC
BEAR................7-3

SQUAWK
BOX OFFICE.....7-9

PUNK
FREE PORK........7-1
BIG NOSES........8-1 VERY FUNNY MAN.

SMAC
COPPER.............7-2

[mighty_tiger_79]

After years of milking cows with the traditional stool-and-squirt method, Farmer MAL finds he has enough money to order a high-tech milking machine. The equipment arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to test the machine on himself first.
After setting it up, he quickly eases his beef bayonet into the equipment and flicks the switch. The sucking teat pleasures him better than his wife ever could, but when it's over the machine will not release his member. In desperation, the farmer calls the Customer Service Hotline. "Hello," he winces, "I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but, er, how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry." Replies the rep. "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

[mighty_tiger_79]

After a woman meets a MAL in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says MAL, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

[mighty_tiger_79]

One day MAL has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to DR BAYMAN to see what can be done about it. DR BAYMAN tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories, inserted deep into his arse every six hours. ‘Right,’ says the doctor, ‘bend over and I’ll do the first one for you.’ MAL bends down and dr bayman sticks the suppository deep into his hole. He then gives mal his course and sends him home. At home six hours later mal realizes that he can’t stick the suppository far enough up his arse on his own, and he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do mal bends over. His wife puts one hand on mals shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror, mal lets out a desperate, blood-curdling scream. ‘My God!’ she cries. ‘What’s the matter? Have I hurt you?’ ‘No,’ replies mal. ‘But I’ve just realized that when DR BAYMAN did it he had both hands on my shoulders.’

[Squawk]

MT79 I give you 8.5+ for those three jokes above!
MAL - 7.7 FWIW!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and MT79 were playing golf as they do every saturday. well one saturday just as they were about to tee off , another bloke walks up and asks if he can join them in a round. "sure thing" says MAL.

well after 2 holes MAL asks the bloke what he does for a living. the bloke replies "i'm a hitman.
MAL and MT79 started to laugh. the bloke said "i'm serious i'm a hitman if you don't believe me look in my golf bag i carry my gun everywhere.

MAL looks in the bag and sure enough there's this huge gun with a large scope on it. MAL got excited and asked if he could look through the scope. the bloke said "sure knock yourself out" MAL says "i reckon i can see my house from here. yes you can their's my house, and their's my wife in the bedroom, she's naked. god she looks beautiful. and their's my next door neighbour, hey he's naked too!!!.

this really upset MAL. so he asked how much for a hit. he replied it's a $1000 everytime i pull the trigger. MAL said a $1000 ouch that's a lot. he thought for a minute and said "o.k. i want 2 hits. i want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth, she's always nagging at me and i can't stand it. 2nd i want you to shoot my neighbour in the dick just for screwing my wife.

the hitman agrees so he gears up his gun and looks through the scope. he's looking through the scope for about 5 minutes. well MAL starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what is he waiting for?

the hitman replies "just hold on now.......I'M ABOUT TO SAVE YOU A $1000 DOLLARS

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was sitting on the bus when a punk rocker gets on. the punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange and he's got feather earrings.

he see's MAL staring at him. punk rocker says to MAL "what the hell are you looking at old man?" "didn't you do anything wild?"

MAL says "yeah. one time i had sex with a parrot. i thought maybe YOU WERE MY KID?"

[magpie in the 80's]

farmer MAL wanted to have his hens serviced. so he went to the markets looking for a rooster. he was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that could service all of his many hens MAL says to the market vendor.

the vendor replies "i have just the rooster for you. PUNK here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!!!"

so farmer MAL takes PUNK back to the farm. before setting PUNK loose in the hen house though, he gave PUNK a little pep talk. MAL said "PUNK i'm counting on you to do your stuff." without a word PUNK struttered into the hen house.

PUNK was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. there was much squawking and many feathers flying, till PUNK had finished having his way with each hen. but PUNK didn't stop there, he went to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at a frantic pace. then he went to the pig house and did the same there.

farmer MAL watching all this in disbelief cried out "stop PUNK, you'll kill yourself" but PUNK continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. well next morning farmer MAL looked out and saw PUNK lying there on the lawn. his legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tounge hanging out. a buzzard was already circling above PUNK.

farmer MAL walked up to PUNK saying "oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. i warned you little buddy!!!"

"SHHHHHH" PUNK whispered "THE BUZZARD"S GETTING CLOSER!!!!"