BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[The Dark Knight]

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "Potentiaity"
and "reality"?" Dad: "I will show you" Dad turns to his wife and asks her:
"Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"? Wife: "Yes of
course! I would never waste such an opportunity"! Then Dad asks his
daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!" So Dad turns to his elder son and
asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"? Elder
Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would
never hesitate!" So the father turns back to his younger son saying:" You
see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality"
We are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay!!

This is gold Johno, sent it to a few mates when I read it earlier this morning.

[Johno6]

Saw it on another forum n thought it was pretty funny myself, so I did the right thing n shared it haha

[Strawb]

why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?


Itssss the maccceeeeee itsssss the macccceeeeee

[locky801]

Gardening joke

Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower.

Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife indicated that she understood and signaled back.

She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.

Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replied,

Scroll on - it is worth it,

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>"Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush

[tipper]

i woke up this morning and sensed something was wrong. i rushed downstairs and found the wife face down in the kitchen and not breathing. i was in a mad panic and didnt know what t do until i remembered that maccas serves breakfast till 11.30am

[Strawb]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old dog.

“What are you going to do,” the home owner asks.

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the dog is trained to grab his private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He then hands the shotgun to the home owner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the home owner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

[locky801]

The truth about Vaseline

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said,“Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”
What were you thinking ……..

[locky801]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up 2 prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?” The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.” The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” “I couldn’t even get on the friggin bed!"

[OnSong]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old dog.

“What are you going to do,” the home owner asks.

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the dog is trained to grab his private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He then hands the shotgun to the home owner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the home owner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

Hahahaha.

[The Dark Knight]

The three jokes from today are very, very good! The Dwarf one is the best though.

[Johno6]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."


A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.


The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"


He replied, "They had avocados."

[Mythical Creature]

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.

My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!

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The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"

Susie says, "We need a computer"

Wendy says, "We need a car"

Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"

Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend
and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"

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My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a c*ck on it

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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.

They're brilliant.

It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...

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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my c*ck.

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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam

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I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out
that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional –
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my d*ck tastes funny"

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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend
sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.

Dyslexic b*tch , it turns out that she love Alan, my best mate......

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A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV
and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"

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Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it, it's probably sh*t.


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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper.
Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"

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I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what hit it.

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The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said,
"I think the romance in this relationship is dead"

I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a w*nk.

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A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team
after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.

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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes her sleepy and her bum sore.

[mal]

An American guy was in the red light district in Amsterdam
He enters a brothel hands over $1,000 and asks the madam
"" I want the fattest ugliest moodiest woman for sex.""
The Madam was taken aback
"" Sir for that sort of money you can have my best girls for the Hole night.""
The American replies
"" In not horny, Im homesick "

[Strawb]

A Young man called Tony wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a considerable distance away.

He consulted with his sister and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Tony got the knickers.

Good old Tony sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Kate,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love

Tony.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[Strawb]

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn’t able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.
Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, “Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?”
Bob looks confused and says, “No, the cord was fine… but what the heck is a pinata?”

[wristwatcher]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up 2 prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?” The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.” The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” “I couldn’t even get on the friggin bed!"

Thats mean but

[westozfalcon]

Paddy from Dublin is visiting Australia taking a guided tour in the Northern Territory.

He looks out the coach window and sees a man's head sticking out of a crocodile's mouth.

He says to his Missus "Look at that posh git in his Lacoste sleeping bag"

[Alaska]

Dear Friends,

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a ‘social session’ out with friends.

Well on Sunday I had lunch with an ex school mate from the 70's and I had the usual two stubbies, five glasses of red finished off with three whisky's. Feeling OK, I still had the sense to know that I was well over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before – I took a cab.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block on Hutt Street, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don't know what to do with it and the missus is not happy!

[mal]

Adelaide Casino
There I was at the Roulette Table
There she was at the Roulette Table
She was a stunning blonde , not a local native, you could tell
There was eye contact
This luscious blonde made her way to me, sat next to me, and placed her hand in my crouch
area
Having been through this process so many times, I knew the drill
With no conversation I held her hand, we rose, we left, for the inevitable
She was a tourist
She spoke very little English , but her intentions were clear


We ended up in bed
We made love
This blonde stunner performed admirably and was a delight

A few minutes later I made love to her again
Usually thats me done, the obligatory hug and smooches , then zed zed zedding away

But she was still craving, and I had to rise to the occasion once more
After half and hour , I gave it my best shot
I rolled over , and asked in simple language ''You finish ?"
She smiled said " No"

I made love to her again
I had to summon up all my energy and gave an allmighty performance , after about an hour I did my deed
I was exhausted and asked "You finish?"
She smiled and said ''No''

I entered her and entered the twilight zone for another effort
I grimaced
I battled exhaustion
I put in the effort of efforts , and almost 90 minutes later , I came, and gave a mighty mighty groan
I was tired
Mentally and physically I was done for the night
Grasping for breath I asked "You finish?"
She smiled said "No'
What the....

My manly duty is to have another crack
Raising the bar was the main obstacle
I had to mentally picture Kylie Minogue, Liz Hurley, Emily Blunt , Kristy Swanson,Laura Hutton, Eleanor Parker and Fay Wray all naked and in my bedroom
Somehow the thought of these glamours inspired me, I was ready again
I climbed onto my blonde beauty and gave the most inspired performance of my lifetime
I kept going on and on and on and on
After 2 hours of making love, on the brink of total physical break down , I did it
I rolled over, I hardly had the energy to speak
I somehow asked her "You finish?"
She smiled, sighed, and replied '' No I Sweedish"

[Strawb]

Adelaide Casino
There I was at the Roulette Table
There she was at the Roulette Table
She was a stunning blonde , not a local native, you could tell
There was eye contact
This luscious blonde made her way to me, sat next to me, and placed her hand in my crouch
area
Having been through this process so many times, I knew the drill
With no conversation I held her hand, we rose, we left, for the inevitable
She was a tourist
She spoke very little English , but her intentions were clear


We ended up in bed
We made love
This blonde stunner performed admirably and was a delight

A few minutes later I made love to her again
Usually thats me done, the obligatory hug and smooches , then zed zed zedding away

But she was still craving, and I had to rise to the occasion once more
After half and hour , I gave it my best shot
I rolled over , and asked in simple language ''You finish ?"
She smiled said " No"

I made love to her again
I had to summon up all my energy and gave an allmighty performance , after about an hour I did my deed
I was exhausted and asked "You finish?"
She smiled and said ''No''

I entered her and entered the twilight zone for another effort
I grimaced
I battled exhaustion
I put in the effort of efforts , and almost 90 minutes later , I came, and gave a mighty mighty groan
I was tired
Mentally and physically I was done for the night
Grasping for breath I asked "You finish?"
She smiled said "No'
What the....

My manly duty is to have another crack
Raising the bar was the main obstacle
I had to mentally picture Kylie Minogue, Liz Hurley, Emily Blunt , Kristy Swanson,Laura Hutton, Eleanor Parker and Fay Wray all naked and in my bedroom
Somehow the thought of these glamours inspired me, I was ready again
I climbed onto my blonde beauty and gave the most inspired performance of my lifetime
I kept going on and on and on and on
After 2 hours of making love, on the brink of total physical break down , I did it
I rolled over, I hardly had the energy to speak
I somehow asked her "You finish?"
She smiled, sighed, and replied '' No I Sweedish"

Thats Gold