BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Booney]

3 men die on Xmas eve. To get into heaven St Peter says "You must have something on you that represents Xmas." The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says its a candle, St Peter lets him pass. Welshman pulls out a set of keys and jingles them and says they are bells, St Peter lets him pass. The Irish man pulls out his 14 inch cock and St Peter says "How the **** does that represent Xmas!! Paddy says "It's a ******* cracker isnt it"

[Lightning McQueen]

A bloke married to a clairvoyant comes home from work one night only to get belted over the head by a saucepan as he walked through the door.
"What the bloody hell was that for" He yelled.
"For next Thursday" was her reply.

[Straight Line]

Granny - I have terrible discharge can you take a look
Doctor - Pull your pants down and let me take a look, as he feels around he asks hows that ?
Granny - Thats feels fantastic! but the discharge is from my ears

[locky801]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife: 'Quick, bring me a beer before it starts...' She looked a little puzzled but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said 'Quick, bring me another beer. it's gonna start.' This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said 'Quick get me another beer before it starts.'

'That's it!!!" She blows her top 'You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??'

The husband sighed and said, 'Oh Shit, it's started.

[Straight Line]

The zoo get a new female gorilla and is on heat so the keeper was thinking we need somebody to have sex with her to calm her down. So he asks the ugly drunk bloke who works out the back to do it. The zoo keeper said to him will you do it for $500 to which the man replied give me a couple of days to think about it. A few days go by and he goes to see the keeper and tells him he will do it but with 3 conditions, number 1 no kissing, number 2 nobody is to ever know, the keeper was so exicted he asks what is your 3rd condition, he replies "Just give me couple of days to round up the $500"

[mal]

A couple from the Cricket thread Australia v India today

1
On Michale Clarke getting 329 not out and declaring the Australian innings

'' Im guessing Pup declared because he was fed up chasing Lara again "'

2
Whats Michael Clarke and Kylie Boldy got in common ?
They are both f...g great cricketers

[The Ash Man]

A couple from the Cricket thread Australia v India today

1
On Michale Clarke getting 329 not out and declaring the Australian innings

'' Im guessing Pup declared because he was fed up chasing Lara again "'

2
Whats Michael Clarke and Kylie Boldy got in common ?
They are both f...g great cricketers

I like the one during the innings where someone said :

What do you call an Indian with 100 next to his name?

A bowler

[locky801]

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these

blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she

decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to

paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her

Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of

paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the

floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy

parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks

her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she

replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are

dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She

replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it

said...

(You'll love this...)

(I know you will...)

.

.

.

.













.

“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

[Straight Line]

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these

blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she

decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to

paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her

Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of

paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the

floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy

parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks

her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she

replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are

dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She

replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it

said...

(You'll love this...)

(I know you will...)

.

.

.

.













.

“FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”

Southee would love this one

[tipper]

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello" I politely said, "This is Fred. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fukin' number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with Robert, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a c***!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'c***' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a c***!". It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "c***" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said "Hi, this is John Smith from the phone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, that's because you're a c***!"

Then one day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first c*** (I had his number on speed dial by this stage,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover c***, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 221 William Street. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a c***!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two c***s to call. Then one day I came up with an idea.

I called c*** #1. "Hello?" "You're a c***!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Steve Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "I live at 221 William Street, a terraced house. There's a gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, c***," and hung up.

Then I called c*** #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, c***," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll do what?" I said. "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, c***, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 221 William Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the hood war going down on William Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to William Street. I got there just in time to watch two c***s beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. Now I feel MUCH better. Take it from me, anger management really works...

[Media Park]

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello" I politely said, "This is Fred. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?" Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fukin' number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with Robert, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a c***!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'c***' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a c***!". It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "c***" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said "Hi, this is John Smith from the phone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, that's because you're a c***!"

Then one day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first c*** (I had his number on speed dial by this stage,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover c***, too. I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 221 William Street. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a c***!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two c***s to call. Then one day I came up with an idea.

I called c*** #1. "Hello?" "You're a c***!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Steve Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "I live at 221 William Street, a terraced house. There's a gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, c***," and hung up.

Then I called c*** #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, c***," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll do what?" I said. "I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, c***, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 221 William Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the hood war going down on William Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to William Street. I got there just in time to watch two c***s beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew. Now I feel MUCH better. Take it from me, anger management really works...

Quality effort...

[locky801]

Australia!!
You believe that stubbies can either be drunk or worn.
You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'.
You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
You believe that cooked down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread - you've squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
Beetroot with your Hamburger... of course!
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And 'Living next door to Alice'.
You wear ugg boots outside the house.
You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off for a pittance.
You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite.
You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac Cookies'.
You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o": arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc...
You know that there is a universal place called 'woop woop' located in the middle of nowhere, no matter where you actually are!
You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like piss.
You sleep with Aeroguard on in the summer and don't mind it as a perfume.
You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, sweet, to mean "good" and when you place 'bloody' in front of it when you really mean it.
You know that the barbecue is a political arena.
You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
You understand what no wucking furries means.
You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
You own a Bond's chesty - in several different colors.
You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok!

[Baron Greenback]

Australia!!
You believe that stubbies can either be drunk or worn.
You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'.
You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
You believe that cooked down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread - you've squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
Beetroot with your Hamburger... of course!
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And 'Living next door to Alice'.
You wear ugg boots outside the house.
You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off for a pittance.
You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite.
You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac Cookies'.
You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o": arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc...
You know that there is a universal place called 'woop woop' located in the middle of nowhere, no matter where you actually are!
You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like piss.
You sleep with Aeroguard on in the summer and don't mind it as a perfume.
You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, sweet, to mean "good" and when you place 'bloody' in front of it when you really mean it.
You know that the barbecue is a political arena.
You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
You understand what no wucking furries means.
You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
You own a Bond's chesty - in several different colors.
You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok!

That brought a proud tear to my eye

[OnSong]

Australia!!
You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

A former housemate actually snuck off up the road one night with a knife to find some hose as we had none of our own.

He returned proudly with a small 30cm portion of hose, watering nozzle still attached.

I spat it at him, like he couldn't have taken it off and attached it to the end of the hose he had just cut.

Imagine that, not only has someone nicked part of your hose, they took the nozzle too.

[valleys07]

Australia!!
You believe that stubbies can either be drunk or worn.
You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'. You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.
You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'.
You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.
You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.
You believe that cooked down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread - you've squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
Beetroot with your Hamburger... of course!
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again' And 'Living next door to Alice'.
You wear ugg boots outside the house.
You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off for a pittance.
You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, While 'scuse me' is always polite.
You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac Cookies'.
You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.
When working in a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in "o": arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto, goodo etc...
You know that there is a universal place called 'woop woop' located in the middle of nowhere, no matter where you actually are!
You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like piss.
You sleep with Aeroguard on in the summer and don't mind it as a perfume.
You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, sweet, to mean "good" and when you place 'bloody' in front of it when you really mean it.
You know that the barbecue is a political arena.
You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.
You understand what no wucking furries means.
You've drank your tea/coffee/milo through a Tim Tam.
You own a Bond's chesty - in several different colors.
You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok!

And thats why I love this country!

[Iron Fist]

Just put out my Aussie flag for Australia day but I wasnt sure if it would offend muslims...
So I wrote 'Allah is a c**t' on it to make sure!

[Dirko]

Just put out my Aussie flag for Australia day but I wasnt sure if it would offend muslims...
So I wrote 'Allah is a c**t' on it to make sure!

[locky801]

Kansas State Highway Patrol officer :

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding

on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.

I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.

In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)

to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if

she had a weapon in her possession at this time.



She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.

Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want

to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having

a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more

time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have

just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what

was she so afraid of.



She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a ******* thing."

[locky801]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

[tipper]

Monkey psychology

If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the
banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold
water. After a while another monkey makes an attempt with the same result ... All the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment... With enthusiasm. Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs he is attacked.

Most of the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, none of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.

Why, you ask? Because in their minds...
That is the way it has always been!

This, my friends, is how most workplaces operate...