BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[woodublieve12]

would like to congratulate Amy Whinehouse on a week of sobriety...

[Iron Fist]

A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "NO !!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged
skinny long-legged big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars
and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer
and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or
alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and
potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on
while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as
hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

[OnSong]

would like to congratulate Amy Whinehouse on a week of sobriety...

Hahahaha!

[CENTURION]

A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, "NO !!!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged
skinny long-legged big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars
and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer
and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or
alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and
potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on
while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as
hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end

so THAT'S where I went wrong!

[CENTURION]

Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes:
The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would have been 24 now."
The other mother replies, "Yes, I remember him as a baby."
The first mother says, "He's a martyr now."
"Oh... That's so sad, my dear."
Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21."
"Oh, I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr."
"Oh gracious me!! " says the second mother.
And this... This is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18 this year."
"Why, yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school!"
"He's also a martyr," the first mother says. She sobs, her eyes fill with tears.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says……

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[OnSong]

From a text I just received:

"What's the difference between Port Adelaide and Collingwood? One has Sidebottom, the other one is the bottom side."

[Punk Rooster]

Whats the difference between Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse?
Jeremy Clarkson's still on Top Gear!

[woodublieve12]

Whats the difference between Jeremy Clarkson and Amy Winehouse?
Jeremy Clarkson's still on Top Gear!

whats the difference between amy winehouse and February?
February reaches 28...

[Media Park]

So Amy Winehouse has joined the club of 27...

Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Amy Winehouse, Justin Beiber...

Bugger!

Ten years to go...

[nwdfanparade]

would like to congratulate Amy Whinehouse on a week of sobriety...

Keith Moon 33 years of sobriety
Oliver Reed 12 years of sobriety

[sapaul]

Don't fart in Harrods


A lady walks into Harrods.
She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expectof a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh1t yourself when I tell you the price!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stolen

An couple was shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to
steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught.

At her trial, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stood up behind her. "Your Honor," he said, helpfully,
"she also stole a can of peas."

[CENTURION]

A bloke walks in to a bar with a steering wheel shoved down his pants. He asks the barman for a drink & the barman says, "yeah sure but do you know that you have a steering wheel shoved down your pants?" The bloke replies, "yeah, I know & it's driving me nuts!"

[the joker]

I am baffled by your orange vagina. The doctor told his patient. Does any one have the same condition in your family. No replied the concern woman.
Do you work with any chemicals at work.
I don't work replied the women, well what do you do all day? Asked the doctor. The woman replied watch porn and eat cheezels

[sapaul]

Apologies if done.

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.



He whispers . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

[Interceptor]

Quality parody of AFL commentators calling the cricket

[valleys07]

Grandad remembering the good ol' days:

"When i was a boy, my mum would send me down to a corner store with $1, and id come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now.......too many f**king security cameras.

[callop]

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.
Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

[callop]

The Unreasonable Mother-in-law

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...

______________________________

The Unreasonable Wife
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Humour-less Wife
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Mis-informed Wife
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Dangerous Wife
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Lazy Wife
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Humourless Husband
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up
to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...



The well rounded Wife
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Soft Husband

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

The Masochistic Husband

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...

[callop]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

[OnSong]

How do you recycle toilet paper?

Hang it on a clothesline and beat the sh!t out of it.