BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Media Park]

Very good.

[sapaul]

Apologies if any of these have been done...

A fifth grader asked her mother the age-old question,

'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents too?' asked the child..

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.


Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.


Better to be pissed off than pissed on.


Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.


Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.


Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.


Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets

exhausted.


Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.


War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.


Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.


It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.


Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.


Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.


Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.


Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .


"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confucius say,

"If you are in a book store and cannot find

the book for which you search, you are obviously in

the...................



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Sorry Dude]

Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"

[sapaul]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. The Doctor asks "What happened?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

The Doctor says "I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea.

I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"

The Doctor says "The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick?"

[mal]

In 1873 the Kiwi's invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1973 the Aussies improved on this, by first taking the bladder out of the sheep...

SEPTEMBER 2010 BEST JOKE AWARD
MEDIA PARK
Sheer ecstasy !!!
8.3




SEPTEMBER 2010 BEST

LOCKY 801
8-0 PEACOCK

AMBAYS
7-4 RAINDROPS

[mal]

A young, married, couple left the church, and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird."

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants,his bride once again asked, "What's wrong with your knees? they're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued,her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.............





Smallcox"

OCTOBER 2010 BEST JOKE AWARD
STRAWB
8-2 sMALlcox
Terrible joke , but had to laugh !


OTHER OCTOBER 2010 BEST JOKES
STRAWB
7-5 SOCCER
7-6 THE PILL

TIPPER
7-2 MAD COW

Strawb was in good form in this month

[mal]

Mrs.Boon and I have a new bedroom system in place.

I said to her, "If you want sex, pull on it once. If you dont, pull on it 145 times."

NOVEMBER 2010 BEST JOKE AWARD
BOONEY
8-2 PULL IT
Got to be the shortest dopiest joke you could read, but I found it amusing



NOVEMBER 2010 BEST JOKES

STRAWB
7-4 XMAS TREE

ASHMAN [Also LOCKY had this one as well in the archives]
8-0 POPE/GILLARD

[mal]

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DECEMBER 2010 BEST JOKE AWARD
CALLOP
8-5
reckon every fartologist would have laughed at this one
classic


DECEMBER 2010 AWARDS

CHOCCIES
7-4 BLIND COWBOY

STEIGER[also submitted by Locky as well previously]
7-2 AUSTRALIAN CRICKETER

[mal]

A mate of mine went to the doctor with a weird ailment. His balls were Yellow. the Doctor took one look and asked him "what do you do all day? because those balls are the yellowist I have ever seen."
"Well I am on holidays from work, so all i do is sit around the lounge eating twisties and watching pornos." my mate replied.

JANUARY 2011 BEST JOKE AWARD
STRAWB
8-0 TWISTIES
was that guy called Henry ?


JANUARY 2011 BEST JOKES

STRAWB
7-2 JAIL

MEDIA PARK
7-7 HOSE

TREV
7-3 ERECTION

[mal]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him...

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'

FEBUARY 2011 EQUAL BEST JOKE OF THE MONTH
ON SONG
8-8
Simply one of the most cleverest jokes of all time
sensational punchline

[Media Park]

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

[mal]

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't
come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the
volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate
were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a
goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish,
I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

FEBUARY 2011 EQUAL BEST JOKE AWARD
TIPPER
8-8 WANKER
this went on and on and on and on and on and on and on
simply brilliant


FEBUARY 2011 BEST JOKES

CHOCCIES
8-3 Iron man

[mal]

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen , being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy, let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her, eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".

MARCH 2011 BETS JOKE AWARD

MR BEEFY
8-0 VANARIEL
Dont ask me why it got the best award, but it did
good punchline though !!!


MARCH 2011 BEST JOKES

FISH
7-1 TBET

[mal]

I caught my dyslexic mate rubbing black shoe polish onto his c*ck early last Sunday morning. I said to him, You d*ckhead, your supposed to turn your clock back!

APRIL 2011 BEST JOKE AWARD
ON THE RAILS
7-5 DICKLICKSICK ....
Oh dear ...


APRIL 2011 BETS JOKES

BARON GREENBACK
7-2..000CALL

ON SONG
7-1 SCRATCHED

[mal]

May have already been said.

Why cant you swim between the flags at Saint Kilda?

Because they only have one!

MAY 2011 BEST JOKE AWARD
WHUFC
8-0 ST KILDA
My response being a SK barracker is boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
This joke was so stoopid, but quite funny for a Centrals barracker


MAY 2011 BEST JOKES

BOONEY
7-8 JUDY AND GEORGE

TIGERLAND
7-2 RUNNY NOSE

[mal]

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,



'Please ..... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

JUNE 2011 BEST JOKE AWARD

LOCKY801
8-7 DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
One of Lockys best ever
Simply one of the best sexists jokes Ive read


JUNE 2011 BEST JOKES


BARON GREENBACK
7-5 SHEEP
7-2 BABY

MEDIA PARK
7-3 MICROWAVE


VALLEYS 07
7-2 EGGS


Best Jokes has been going on since 2006
77402 VIEWS
3115 REPLIES
Ive really enjoyed this thread over the years
Keep up the great work everyone

[CENTURION]

Q: How do you persuade a poof to have sex with a woman?
A: pm me for answer, far too rude.

[sapaul]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.




The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,

so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.



They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave

a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a

woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids

or for men in general, and was always making sacrifices with little

in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .

[Media Park]

Ha! Very good sapaul

[mal]

Apple a day
Keeps Prostate Cancer away