BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Squawk]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?

Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

[scoob]

a woman goes into a pet store looking for a parrot. the assistant shows her a magnificent african grey parrot.

"what about this one ma'am , a beautiful bird and it's a steal at only $20" says the assistant. "why so cheap?" asks the woman.

"well it used to live in a brothel on hanson road and as a result, it's language is a bit zesty"

"oh i dont mind that" said the woman, making her mind up. "i'm broad minded and it will be a laugh having a profane parrot."

so she buys the parrot and takes it home. once safely in his new home. the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman
"F....CK me, a new brothel and a new madam." "i'm not a madam, and this isn't a brothel!!!" says the woman.

a little later, the woman's 2 teenage daughters arrive home. "F....CK me a new brothel, a new madam and new hookers!!!!"
says the parrot, when seeing the daughters. mum tell your parrot to shut up we're not hookers but see the funny side of it.

a short while later the woman's husband arrives home from work to which the parrot says.

"well F...CK me, a new brothel, a new madam, new hookers BUT the same old clients"

"how you going ANOTHER GRUB!!!!!!!

Cant believe you knew Mrs Grub bought a new parrot!

[bayman]

last week was the brazillian grand prix

so i was wondering whether they shaved the track record

[mighty_tiger_79]

u idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

simon says

[Squawk]

The love dress:

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on
the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and
the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law
explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," sh explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me
for hours on end. He can't get
enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her
best perfume, and dimmed the lights, put on a
romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband
to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

[Squawk]

Your speeding fines must really be preying on your mind MAL - no new jokes from you and no new ratings?

[the tractor]

How do you circumcise a whale?



Send down 4 skin divers.

[mal]

Ratings time gentlemen
7 is a pass mark
8 is good
9 is

M80S........PARROTT 8-2 CLASSSIC
M80S......TALK/DOG 7-2
M80S......KNOTT.......7-2
M80S.....COLD EARS 7-2
M80SBROKEN GLASS 7-8
M80S..PARROTT/grub 7-5
BLUE BOY..BARKING 7-5
SQWARK....JESUS......7-5

BAYMAN i didnt get it brazillian grand prix ??????????
SQWARK........DRESS 7-3
TRACTOR.CIRCUMSISE 8-5

[mal]

A frail elderly lady was shopping at the butchers and had this conversation.
" Can I please have a kilo of pissholes please."
A startled butcher corrects the pensioner.
" Madam I think you have pronounced that wrong what you want starts with an R."
" OK sonny give us a kilo of arseholes please."

[Punk Rooster]

Mal......old pensioner -1

[Wedgie]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife
are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes
about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his
wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be
distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"!

She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has
happened, I'm really stumped"

She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she
will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk
out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever
consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if
we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to
the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world,
and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have
a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may
have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying
to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the
cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get
home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present
that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new
prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate
"I'm stuffed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says
"try Paul McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now
she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can
fill her shoe.

[Footy Chick]

One dark night outside Oslo, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said: "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the Fire Fighters off.

Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the volunteer fire company from the nearby Norwegian rural township, composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Doherty, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL walks past an icecream stand that advertises "every flavour icecream in the world"

"BULLSHIT" says MAL and walks inside. "so you say you have every flavour icecream in the world ?, o.k. then i would like 3 scoops of C...NT flavoured icecream thanks"

"no problem sir" the assistant gives MAL a 3 scopped cone of C...NT flavoured icecream.

MAL takes a good lick and complains "this doesn't taste like C...NT, it taste more like SH..T!!!!

to which the assistant replies "of course it taste like SH..T when you take SUCH LONG LICKS"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife were driving down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

an earlier discussion had led them to an arguement and neither wanted to concede their position.

as they pass a barnyard of donkeys, goats and pigs, the wife said sarcastically, "relatives of yours?"

"YEP" says MAL "THERE THE IN-LAWS!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

the next day MALS wife comes rushing into the house screaming to MAL, "pack your bags honey, i just won x-lotto. all $10 million of it WoooooHooooo.

"that's great darling" MAL replies, "do i pack for the beach or for the ski slopes?"

"who cares " she replies "just F....CK OFF!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL gets home late one night and his wife says "where the hell have you been?"

"i was out getting a tattoo" says MAL

"a tattoo!! what kind of tattoo did you get?" asks the wife

"i got a $100 bill on my penis" says MAL

"what the hell were you thinking?" "why did you get a $100 bill on your penis?"

"well for one reason i like to watch my money grow. another reason i like to play with my money. but lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here and BLOW a $100 bucks ANYTIME YOU LIKE!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

an elderly couple had been dating for some time. finally they decided it was time for marriage.

before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. they discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

finally the old gentleman decided it was time to talk about the subject of their physical relationship.

"how do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "well- she says, responding very carefully i'd have to say i would like it infrequently."

the old gentleman sat quitely for a moment. then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking
"WAS THAT ONE WORD OR TWO!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

3 new zealanders and 3 aussies are travelling by train to a world cup cricket match.

at the station, the 3 kiwis each buy a ticket and watch as the 3 aussies only buy one ticket between them.

"how are the 3 of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks the kiwis. "watch and learn" says one of the aussies.

they all board the train. the kiwis take their respective seats but all 3 aussies cram into a toilet and close the door.

shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. he collects the kiwis tickets and then knocks on the toilet door and says "tickets please." the door slightly opens and a single hand emerges with a ticket.

the kiwis see this and agree it was a clever idea. so after the game, the kiwis decide to copy the aussies on the return trip home to save some money. so they buy only one ticket but to their astonishment the aussies dont but a ticket.

"how are the 3 of you going to get home without buying one ticket asks the kiwis?" "watch and learn" says one of the aussies.

when they board the train the 3 kiwis cram into a toilet and soon after the 3 aussies cram into another toilet. the train departs.

shortly afterwards, one of the aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet the kiwis are hiding in. he knocks on the door and says "TICKETS PLEASE!!!!!"

[Punk Rooster]

SydneyDog invited his mother over for dinner.

During the course of the meal, SydneyDog's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful SydneyDog's roommate, Mal, was.

Elderly Mrs. SydneyDog had long been suspicious of a relationship between SydneyDog and Mal, and this had only made
her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. SydneyDog started to wonder if there was more between SydneyDog and Mal than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, SydneyDog volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Mal and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mal came to SydneyDog saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

SydneyDog said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
SydneyDog

Several days later, SydneyDog received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Mal, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Mal. But the fact remains that if Mal was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom