BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[am Bays]

Rumour has it that the floods in Pakistan were started by a suicide plumber.

The British National Party have donated 6000 crocodiles to the Pakistani
flood appeal.

The Queen has sent a letter of condolence to the
Pakistani president. She wanted to mention that Britain
has plenty of spare pakis if they want some back.

I bet little Mohammed isn't having to walk 3 miles
fetch water now! I think I'll ask for my $1 a month donation back.

What do you call a Pakistani flood
survivor......................Mustafa Dinghy.

What goes around comes around. Pakistanis have
been flooding Britain for years.

Charity flood disaster single just released for
the Pakistani appeal...........Rain drops keep falling on Ahmed

[mal]

Disillusioned GL coach is devastated by Glenelgs finals failures
He arranges to see Graham Cornes for some counselling.
MICKAN: Cornesy GL are minor round champs and finals chumps, is it because Im stupid ?
CORNES: Dont know mate, but I do know you need good support staff
Cornes calls in Chris Mcdermott to answer a question
CORNES: Chris if your mother has a kid, its not a boy and not a girl who is it?"
MCDERMOTT: Thats easy, its me.""
With that Mickan is impressed and has to try it out back at the Footy club
At the Bay he summons Assistant coach Stephen Rowe
MICKAN : Rowey if your mum has a kid and its not your brother and not your sister who is it?
ROWE : Dunno mate its a tough one, but I will ask someone who knows everything, I will ask Brett Backwell
Rowe catches up with Backwell
ROWE: I gotta ask you this question its killing me, if your mum has a kid and it aint your brother and it aint your sister, who is it ?????
BACKWELL: Its ME !!!!!!
With this a delighted Rowe rushes back to Mickan hardly able to contain his excitement
ROWE: Hey Mickey if my mum has a kid and it aint my brother and aint my sister, I know who it is
MICKAN : Well who is it Rowey ?
ROWE : Its Brett Backwell, its Brett Backwell !!!
Mickan looks at Rowe and said: Dont be silly Rowey, its Chris Mcdermott

[Media Park]

Disillusioned GL coach is devastated by Glenelgs finals failures
He arranges to see Graham Cornes for some counselling.
MICKAN: Cornesy GL are minor round champs and finals chumps, is it because Im stupid ?
CORNES: Dont know mate, but I do know you need good support staff
Cornes calls in Chris Mcdermott to answer a question
CORNES: Chris if your mother has a kid, its not a boy and not a girl who is it?"
MCDERMOTT: Thats easy, its me.""
With that Mickan is impressed and has to try it out back at the Footy club
At the Bay he summons Assistant coach Stephen Rowe
MICKAN : Rowey if your mum has a kid and its not your brother and not your sister who is it?
ROWE : Dunno mate its a tough one, but I will ask someone who knows everything, I will ask Brett Backwell
Rowe catches up with Backwell
ROWE: I gotta ask you this question its killing me, if your mum has a kid and it aint your brother and it aint your sister, who is it ?????
BACKWELL: Its ME !!!!!!
With this a delighted Rowe rushes back to Mickan hardly able to contain his excitement
ROWE: Hey Mickey if my mum has a kid and it aint my brother and aint my sister, I know who it is
MICKAN : Well who is it Rowey ?
ROWE : Its Brett Backwell, its Brett Backwell !!!
Mickan looks at Rowe and said: Dont be silly Rowey, its Chris Mcdermott

Can't.
Stop.
Laughing.

5 stubbies...

[Media Park]

Q: What has 100 legs, and four teeth?

A: The front row of the Collingwood cheer squad!

[Media Park]

In 1873 the Kiwi's invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1973 the Aussies improved on this, by first taking the bladder out of the sheep...

[trev]

The lack of terrorist attacks recently has been credited to Susan Boyle.
It seems that now the terrorists know what a virgin looks like,
they aren't so keen to get to Paradise.

[locky801]

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

[Media Park]

TREV and LOCKY801

[Choccies]

What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?

Your wife can't take a joke.

[Choccies]

Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday.

[Choccies]

Two pedophiles were sitting on a park bench.
A six year old girl comes skipping by. The first pedophile says, "Christ look at the body on that."
The other one replies "Yeah. I bet she was really something in her day."

[Choccies]

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time today. She said "sorry about the wait"
I said "don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually"

[Drop Bear]

A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time today. She said "sorry about the wait"
I said "don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually"

[Media Park]

Two pedophiles were sitting on a park bench.
A six year old girl comes skipping by. The first pedophile says, "Christ look at the body on that."
The other one replies "Yeah. I bet she was really something in her day."

That is terrible... But I love it!

[Strawb]

My wife and I were at the womens hospital here in Melbourne as my wife is pregnant with another child.and there was three ladies ahead of her to see doctor.
The Doctor asked the first one what she thought she was having. She said "Cause I was on top we are having a girl."
The Doctor then asked the second one the same question. She replied "Cause he was on top we are having a boy.
Just then the third one broke down crying. "Whats the matter?" asked the doctor. her husband replied "She thinks we are having puppies."

[Strawb]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise item. Two months ago, my husband, Bob, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Bob must have experienced.

“Bob was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Bob’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Bob.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Bob is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Bob Smith.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

[Strawb]

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have chit in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

[Strawb]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, " Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"

Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't until next week."

[Strawb]

A Qld farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.
'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Robbo? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Robbo getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.
'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Robbo.'

[Strawb]

A man and his wife are having a baby. The time when the baby is due to arrive finally comes and the husband grabs his video camera and takes his wife to the hospital. When he get there the nurse start to do thier stuff. The man asks the nurses if there is anything he can do to help. The nurse relpies no please wait outside. After five minutes the man asks the same question and gets the same reply. this carrys on untill the baby is born and he asks the question again. This time the nurse replys if you want you can wash the baby. The new dad is thrilled at this suggestion and goes off to wash the baby. After a while the nurse returns to check on the dad. When she arrives she sees him with his finger in the baby nostrils moving the baby around like a boat. The nurse say that is not how you wash a baby. The dad replies: 'It is when the water is too hot!!'