BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Media Park]

OnSong: Love that one, but I didn't think it'd stick around on the site!!!
Choccies: LOVE IT!!!

[Choccies]

A teacher asks a Port Adelaide high school girl to use "handsome" in a sentence

She says, "When I'm suckin' **** and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome times."

[Drop Bear]

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

[Mythical Creature]

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers . I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day. Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started......

[Rams52]

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers . I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day. Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.
It was around then the fight started......

GOLD!!

[Baron Greenback]

Got a new pick-up line:

"Hey gorgeous, can I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?"

Works every time!

[mal]

Got a OLD pick up line :

""Hey gorgeous have you ever been to India?""
When they say NO, undo your fly and say :
"" Well get this India...
______________________________________

An old line at the Bay Disco or St Lennies Tavern

""Are you from Lebanon?""
When they say NO, WHY say:
"Its just that you look like a Beirut girl

[Media Park]

A teacher asks a Port Adelaide high school girl to use "handsome" in a sentence

She says, "When I'm suckin' **** and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome times."

NSFW!!!

[The Dark Knight]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'


St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Nicola, What seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it.'

That is Gold!!

[The Dark Knight]

A teacher asks a Port Adelaide high school girl to use "handsome" in a sentence

She says, "When I'm suckin' **** and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome times."

Funny but true!!

[White Line Fever]

A Port Adelaide woman is talking about her 11 sons at work with her friend.
She gets asks what are their names.
She says "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan"
"Why are ALL your sons named Nathan?"
"So when it's time for them to come in for dinner I can just stand on the porch and yell Nathan and they all come!"
"What if you need to single them out???"
"Easy" she says "I just yell out their surnames!"


What do you call a Port Adelaide girl in a white tracksuit?
A bride.


What's the most confusing day in Port Adelaide?
Fathers Day.


Two guys in Port Adelaide are cruising down the street with no music blaring.
Who is driving?
The police.

[Mr Beefy]

I was in Hungry Jacks and twoMuslim women wearing really bright coloured headscarfs came in. I thought to myself, "Wow, the Burkas really are better at Hungry Jacks"

[mickey]

I was in Hungry Jacks and twoMuslim women wearing really bright coloured headscarfs came in. I thought to myself, "Wow, the Burkas really are better at Hungry Jacks"

[Media Park]

I got this e-mail 12 times today (different sources), so it had to be half decent:

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an
Aussie are all walking together one day..
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
Says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Pakistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
Can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
Smiles and says,
'Fill the f***** with water.'
I pretty much vote this my favorite email of the year.

[OnSong]

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous.

“You have no arms!”

“No matter,” said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

“Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said,

“Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly.


“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, but……….. he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

[Trader]

Nice OnSong, had only heard the first half before, good addition!

[Choccies]

Three guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to share a room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up and eyes all bloodshot They said, "Man what happened to you? You look awful." He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy: a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good Morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[OnSong]

It's Friday!

A bloke goes into his local vet carrying a goldfish in a bowl.
"Uhhh, doc, I reckon my goldfish has epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look at the fish in the bowl.
"He looks like a normal fish to me," the vet says.
The bloke replies, "yeah, wait on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet."

_______________________________________________________

I was playing Cluedo with the kids the other night.
Turns out the killer was me, in the kids room, with the Cluedo board.

[Media Park]

Three guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to share a room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up and eyes all bloodshot They said, "Man what happened to you? You look awful." He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy: a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good Morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

Gold Choccies! I was expecting the cowboy to shoot him!

[mal]

It's Friday!

A bloke goes into his local vet carrying a goldfish in a bowl.
"Uhhh, doc, I reckon my goldfish has epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look at the fish in the bowl.
"He looks like a normal fish to me," the vet says.
The bloke replies, "yeah, wait on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet."

_______________________________________________________

I was playing Cluedo with the kids the other night.
Turns out the killer was me, in the kids room, with the Cluedo board.