BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[tipper]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence in Yarralumla. One is
From Canberra , another from Melbourne , and the third one is from Perth
All three go with a government official to examine the fence.

The Canberra contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
Then works out some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the
Job will run to about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100
Profit for me".

The Melbourne contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says "I
Can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100
Profit for me".

The Perth contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
Government official and whispers "$2,700".

The government official, incredulous, says "You didn't even measure like the
Other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Perth contractor whispers back "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we
Hire the bloke from Melbourne to fix the fence".
"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan is working....................

[Choccies]

Police in Elizabeth just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, $50 million in forged Australian banknotes and 25 trafficked Filipino prostitutes all in a Housing Trust house behind the Public Library in Elizabeth.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a bloody Library!!"

[mal]

Robbie and his wife Kim were running an illegal aniMAL smuggling scheme
Kim was on her first run
They were at customs at the Airport
Kim was apprehensive
'' Kim dont panic just do what I do,you put the aniMAL in your undies and then walk thru Customs, put the aniMAL in the car and return.""
BUT ROBBIE IM SCARED WHAT IF WE GET SPRUNG?"
'' Look just do what I do""
Robbie grabs a rabbitt and puts it down his jocks, and casually walks thru customs, disposes of the aniMAL and returns
"" See how easy that wuz, now its your turn, just put the skunk down your knickers and do exactly what I did.""
''BUT ROBBIE WHAT ABOUT THE SMELL?""
"" Well of the skunk dies, it dies.""

[Media Park]

A Somalian arrives in Australia as a new immigrant. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........

'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passer by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Afgani!'

The man goes on and encounters another passer by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!'

The person says, 'I not Australian, I Iraqi!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Australia !'

That person puts up his hand and
says, 'I am from Pakistan , I am not from Australia!'

He finally sees a nice lady and
asks, 'Are you an Australian?' She says, 'No, I am from India !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The Indian lady checks her watch and says .....'Probably at work'

[Media Park]

Why does Lleyton Hewitt wear his tennis cap backwards ?

So Tyson Edwards wont get sunburnt ....

[mal]

Why does Lleyton Hewitt wear his tennis cap backwards ?

So Tyson Edwards wont get sunburnt ....

Is this in the Black Crow book ?

[Media Park]

Why does Lleyton Hewitt wear his tennis cap backwards ?

So Tyson Edwards wont get sunburnt ....

Is this in the Black Crow book ?

[The Dark Knight]

Police in Elizabeth just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, $50 million in forged Australian banknotes and 25 trafficked Filipino prostitutes all in a Housing Trust house behind the Public Library in Elizabeth.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a bloody Library!!"

Gold Choccies!!

[Media Park]

Dear Lord,
I know that I don’t talk to you that much, but this past year you have
taken away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favourite actress,
Farah Fawcett and my favourite musician, Michael Jackson.
I just wanted to let you know that my favourite prime minister is
Julia Gillard.
Amen

[Media Park]

And on the above, it's worth jumping onto the Politics thread, with a few coming out about K-Ruddy and leaking...

[nuggety goodness]

the family were sitting around the table on a normal Thursday night when the 6 year old girl asked,

"Mum, why is my name Petal?"

"Well, when you were born we couldn't think of a good name so we waited until we got you home, then when we got home a petal fell from our rose bush out the front and onto your head, so we decided to call you Petal."

Then the younger girl asked the same question.

"Mum, why is my name Violet?"

"Well we did the same thing for you, but when we came home one of my hair tie fell onto your head and it was a violet hair tie, so we called you Violet"

Then from the other end of the table came muttering..

" UHHhh UUUhhhh Ohhh Uhhh"

"SHUT UP FRIDGE!!!"

was mums reply...

[aceman]

the family were sitting around the table on a normal Thursday night when the 6 year old girl asked,

"Mum, why is my name Petal?"

"Well, when you were born we couldn't think of a good name so we waited until we got you home, then when we got home a petal fell from our rose bush out the front and onto your head, so we decided to call you Petal."

Then the younger girl asked the same question.

"Mum, why is my name Violet?"

"Well we did the same thing for you, but when we came home one of my hair tie fell onto your head and it was a violet hair tie, so we called you Violet"

Then from the other end of the table came muttering..

" UHHhh UUUhhhh Ohhh Uhhh"

"SHUT UP FRIDGE!!!"

was mums reply...

There is another end to that which NG has cleaned up, it goes something like

"why do you ask Two Dogs"?

[Media Park]

Australia Post created a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia.

Julia Gillard and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as requested by the Prime Minister after a special commission enquiry finding.

The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of $1.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.
2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

[Media Park]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to wet his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but, ... I've always wanted to!"
============================================
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always, make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[steiger]

Just remembered a few no arms, no legs jokes. Here are a few to get you started.
All start with "what do you call a man with no legs and no arms"

Can anyone add to the list.

... in a swimming pool - Bob
... underneath a car - Jack
... on a doorstep - Matt
... hanging on a wall - Art
... in a rabbit hole - Warren
... in a tree with the wind blowing - Russell

[Choccies]

I rememebr a few of those....

The lady with one leg - Eileen
Her mum who also has one leg - Marleen
The chinese lady with one leg - Irene

[White Line Fever]

Just remembered a few no arms, no legs jokes. Here are a few to get you started.
All start with "what do you call a man with no legs and no arms"

Can anyone add to the list.

... in a swimming pool - Bob
... underneath a car - Jack
... on a doorstep - Matt
... hanging on a wall - Art
... in a rabbit hole - Warren
... in a tree with the wind blowing - Russell

At the bottom of a hole - Doug
On a cold night with the Missus - Justin

[Drop Bear]

Not bad...

[OnSong]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St. Peter says, 'Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'


St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, 'Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' The girl is a little reluctant but replies, 'Well, once I fondled and stroked one.' St. Peter says, ' Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.'

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, 'Nicola, What seems to be the rush?'

The girl replies, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her arse in it.'

[Choccies]

A young man walk's into a Pharmacy & say's to the Pharmacist “ Hi can I get a condom please , I’m going to my girlfriend's for dinner & I think I might be in with a chance ”

So the Pharmacist give's him a condom , as the young man is about to walk out he turn's & say's “ You better give me another one because my girlfriend’s sister is very cute & she alway's crosses her leg's in a provocative manner whenever she see's me & i'm thinking that I might strike it lucky with her too ”

So the Pharmacist give's him a second condom , as the boy is leaving he turn's back yet again and say's “ Thinking about it you better give me one more condom because my girlfriend’s mother is also pretty cute & whenever she see's me she alway's make's these eye's at me & since she's the one who invited me over for dinner I think she could be expecting me to make a move at her ?

During dinner , the young man is sitting with his girlfriend to his left & the sister on his right with the mum facing him . When the father arrive's home the boy quickly lower's his head and start's praying “ Dear Lord , Bless this dinner & thank you for all that you have given us ”

A minute later & the boy is still praying “ Thank you Lord for your kindness ” . Ten minute's go by & the boy is still praying with his head down . The other's looked at each other in surprisement , with his girlfriend being more surprised than all of them , so she lean's over & whisper's in his ear " I didn’t know you were so religious "

The boy replies back , I didn’t know your dad was a Pharmacist !!!!!