BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[RoosterMarty]

That is sensational!

[Choccies]

Paddy tells Mick that he's thinking of buying a Labrador.

Fook off say's Mick,

Have you seen how many of their owners go blind ??

[Strawb]

An old lady goes to the dentist and removes her panties and lifts up her skirt.
The dentist says "i am not a Gynecologist"
The old duck replies "I know I just want you to retrieve my Husbands Teeth."

[Mr Beefy]

WORLD CUP FALLOUT
Nigeria is out of the World Cup, their keeper has offered to refund
all the money back to fans who travelled to South Africa.

He said he just needs their bank details and mothers maiden name to
complete the transaction....

************************************************** ************

The North Korean government have announced the tragic loss of their
underachieving World Cup squad in a plane crash next Tuesday.

************************************************** ************
And finally,

Did you hear about the dyslexic English soccer fan?
He got arrested for blowing a zulu's vulva

[Baron Greenback]

WORLD CUP FALLOUT
Nigeria is out of the World Cup, their keeper has offered to refund
all the money back to fans who travelled to South Africa.

He said he just needs their bank details and mothers maiden name to
complete the transaction....

************************************************** ************

The North Korean government have announced the tragic loss of their
underachieving World Cup squad in a plane crash next Tuesday.

************************************************** ************
And finally,

Did you hear about the dyslexic English soccer fan?
He got arrested for blowing a zulu's vulva

Three from three Mr Beefy!
Good work!

[Choccies]

WORLD CUP FALLOUT
Nigeria is out of the World Cup, their keeper has offered to refund
all the money back to fans who travelled to South Africa.

He said he just needs their bank details and mothers maiden name to
complete the transaction....

************************************************** ************

The North Korean government have announced the tragic loss of their
underachieving World Cup squad in a plane crash next Tuesday.

************************************************** ************
And finally,

Did you hear about the dyslexic English soccer fan?
He got arrested for blowing a zulu's vulva

[Mr Beefy]

My favourite is the second one

[Media Park]

My favourite is the second one

Nice work- agree #2

[Strawb]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a
local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a
Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you
drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stri.pper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub
herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the str.ipper must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the
book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bi%tch this time.'


BOB's funeral will be on Friday

[Q.]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, " You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.

Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Media Park]

Nice one Quichey...

[Drop Bear]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to
the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our
fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a
few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"

[tipper]

I went to the cemetary the other day and there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin

three hours later they were still walking around with it

I thought to myself:

"these guys have lost the plot..."

[FRED]

What do cricket and a woman's period have in common?


When the pads are on it's time for a bat.

[Baron Greenback]

What do cricket and a woman's period have in common?


When the pads are on it's time for a bat.

Ha!

[Media Park]

What do cricket and a woman's period have in common?


When the pads are on it's time for a bat.

Ha!

x2

[The Dark Knight]

What do cricket and a woman's period have in common?

When the pads are on it's time for a bat.

Ha!

x2

x3, That is gold.

[OnSong]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'

[Media Park]

Nice work OnSong...

Safooty.net is giving me some good'un's for the e-mail rounds lately...

[aceman]

I saw a little African child on the side of the road eating grass, so I stopped and said to him "don't eat that,would you like to come home with me to eat?
The child replied, but I have 2 brothers & 2 sisters, can they come too?
F**k no, I replied, it's only a very small lawn!