BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Vinney]

Irish Hooker.

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.
"Twenty quid" she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before but decides -- what the hell it's only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
'What's going on here people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh I'm so sorry' says the cop' I didn't know.'
'Well needer did I' says Paddy 'til ya shined dat light in her face!!!"

[Vinney]

Little Bruce

Mohammed entered his classroom on his first day at a new school
..
"What is your name?" asked the teacher
" Mohammed".......answered the kid.
"We are Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My Name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you"!
And she beat him.
Then she called the father, and he too beat him savagely.

The next day, Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises, she asked:
"What happened to you little Bruce?"
"Well Miss, two hours after becoming an Austrailian, I was attacked by two **** Arabs!"

[Vinney]

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him...
She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes; Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew A-6 Attack aircraft in Vietnam, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.

[Vinney]

A new council tax-evaluation policy wants to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

There is a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. They are out of control.

I hate living near Windsor Castle.

[Vinney]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his
first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten
the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while
you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'


It took 45 minutes to restore order in the Classroom.........

[Vinney]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out " YUV GOTTA BE FUKN' DEAD.........."*

[Baron Greenback]

Great work Vinney.
Particularly liked the Irish hooker joke!

[Vinney]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on
a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
business suit complete with pager .After waiting patiently for a few
minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow, she's fat!

The mother bent down and whispered in the
little boy's ear to be quiet. A couple more minutes
passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they
would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared
at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off,
and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large
woman reached the front of the queue. Just then her pager
begins to emit a "beep, beep, beep". The little
boy yelled out, "Run for your ******* life, she's reversing.

[Vinney]

Best Quote on the Financial Crisis

"THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE.

I LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE."

[Vinney]

British Humour

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged woman's French poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should
be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the
wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now,
sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

[mal]

Richmond president Garry March and Collingwood president Eddie McGuire held a joint press conference this morning and announced that due to significant financial pressures on both AFL sides, they intend to merge for season 2011.
With the introduction of GC17 in 2011 this merger will allow the AFL to avoid the bye and also provide Collingwood and Richmond fans with a sustainable, profitable and powerful football operation.
No details have been released as yet however it is believed the new composite side will be known as the Tigerwoods and will f*ck everybody and everything anytime.

Good work Vinny
Keep up the gags

[Strawb]

Did you hear what the Jewish mother said when her kid asked to borrow $5? She says "$4??? What the hell do you need to borrow $3 for?"

[Strawb]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss, You must feel terrible". Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled horrible. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled . But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle......." The old woman fainted

[Baron Greenback]

Did you hear what the Jewish mother said when her kid asked to borrow $5? She says "$4??? What the hell do you need to borrow $3 for?"

Ha! Love it.

[whufc]

Going to McDonalds for a salad sandwich is like going to a brothel for a hug!

[the big bang]

Going to McDonalds for a salad sandwich is like going to a brothel for a hug!

...........or like going to a pub and drinking light beer!

[mal]

Whats the difference between the Melbourne Storm and a toothpick ?
The toothpick has 2 points

[The Dark Knight]

Whats the difference between the Melbourne Storm and a toothpick ?
The toothpick has 2 points

Thats a good one

[mal]

Callingtons fool back was a busy busy boy one game
He took all the kick offs, had to tackle aal day and spoil his forward constantly
Late in the last qtr he attempted a spoil
His fist was as sore as from punching all day, this time he broke his wrist in a spoil

His orthapedic surgeon did an operation on his broken wrist
The wrist had a plaster covering
2 weeks later he had an appointment with the surgeon

SURG: I can remove the plaster in 2 weeks
FOOL BACK : Doc can I ask u a question ?
SURG : Go ahead
FOOL BACK : When the plaster comes off will I be able to mark a footy ?
SURG: Yes
FOOL BACK : Thats f.......g great doc, coz I couldnt before...

[Vinney]

Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombing.
Apparently, a lot of the terrorists didn't realise what a virgin looks like.