BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

Girls Getaway

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girl’s getaway trip - Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the Bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night...Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.

He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over...On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.

[Booney]

Whats the difference between a woman and a terrorist?

Sometimes, you can negotiate with a terrorist.

[Punk Rooster]

a Tasmanian girl writes to a problem page-


"Dear Abby, I'm 13 years old & still a virgin......... do you think my Dad is gay?"

[Strawb]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "Yoo-Hoo ... If I catch you, you're mine."

He lost 33 kilos that week.

[locky801]

Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'


Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'


Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family
and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

[whufc]

From my 3 year old neice

How do you make a tissue dance?

.......................................put a little boogie in it

[locky801]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
> His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
> $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
> it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door
> with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told
> him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you
> were pulling out.
>
> Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
>
> And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself
> ........................ with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!

[Drop Bear]

I was with this bird the other night and i started rooting her and i noticed her toes curling up? So i asked her "am i hurting you??" she said "No you f*#%ing idiot! i still have my stockings on!!"

[White Line Fever]

Your so fat you fell in Love and broke it

[locky801]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =
MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got
in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem annoyed in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said "oh sh!#$." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[mighty_tiger_79]

http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/entertain ... 5851048334


didnt know they were that big actually

[Vinney]

CATHOLIC COFFEE


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,


Slim,


Tall,


38D breast,


24" waist and


34" hips.


When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[Vinney]

Australian Police Entrance Test


An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look
good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take
before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug
dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "


"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Vinney]

The Importance of Preparing a Good Lie:

One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt. They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tyre burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to do the test. The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.

On the third day, they went for their test. The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...

The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks........


Q. 1. Which tyre?

a) Front Left b) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right

[Vinney]

Richmond president Garry March and Collingwood president Eddie McGuire held a joint press conference this morning and announced that due to significant financial pressures on both AFL sides, they intend to merge for season 2011.
With the introduction of GC17 in 2011 this merger will allow the AFL to avoid the bye and also provide Collingwood and Richmond fans with a sustainable, profitable and powerful football operation.
No details have been released as yet however it is believed the new composite side will be known as the Tigerwoods and will f*ck everybody and everything anytime.

[Vinney]

Marriage Warning

After being married for 35 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day & said,
"Honey, 35 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed & watched a 10-inch black & white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot & sexy 19 year-old gal. Now I have a $ 650,000 home, a $55,000 car, nice big bed & plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 54 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain".
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out & find a hot, 19 year-old gal & she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed & watching a 10-inch black & white TV.
Aren't older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis

[Vinney]

This letter was sent to the Victoria Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today


Dear Principal
Victoria Bay School ,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Victoria Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to **** off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

[Vinney]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put it on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, I'll thuffocate.

[Vinney]

AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2.. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. First date - always offer to put the fish bait on your date's hook.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested, "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of tongue is also considered out of place).
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummer-bund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[Vinney]

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him,
'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No', I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:

I D 1 0 T


I used to like Eric, the little bastard