BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

This one via a post on "The Roost"

A man on his way home from work was stuck in traffic which was much worse than usual. Noticing a policeman walking among the stalled cars, he asked "Officer what's the hold up?".

The policeman says "Brendan Fevola is so depressed about his behaviour at the Brownlows that he's stopped his car & is threatening to douse himself in petrol & set himself on fire. He says everyone hates him, his wife is leaving him & taking everything, & he's going to lose his 750K contract at Carlton. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him"

"oh really" the man says, "how much have have you collected so far?"

"So far only 18 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning" responds the policeman!

[locky801]

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

[locky801]

mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?'

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.

Now, let your mother explain that to you....."

[Baron Greenback]

mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?'

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.

Now, let your mother explain that to you....."

Love it!!!

[Johno6]

A man sitting at a bar at Sydney International Airport noticed a
really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty

flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
slogan:

"Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself:
"Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards
her again,

"Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the
list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan:

"Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him,

"What the f *** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh,
>Jetstar..!"/

[Lightning McQueen]

Did you hear about the Irish thief?






Paid for his meal and then snuck off without eating it.

[Strawb]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he noti ces a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a

small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for

you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a

closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[silicone skyline]

A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth .

Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams
boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
DO YOU?'

'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS
BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

[Choccies]

In a recent survey, people who are Port Power supporters have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Port Power supporters said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison.

[Choccies]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to f*** off.

[BigDaddy]

Not too sure if this has been posted before, but it tickled my fancy!!

WHY MEN HAVE BETTER FRIENDS...

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Booney]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'...

He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'.

[silicone skyline]

What's the smelliest place on earth?

An anchovy's ****

[tipper]

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener.'

'I didn't bring it,' says Les. 'I thought you packed it.'
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??' Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace..
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........


'I KNEW IT...I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!'

[tipper]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[Bum Crack]

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual!

[Choccies]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .



"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"

[mal]

Conversation between Greek and an Italian
As they drank the Ouzo and Vino the chatter became louder and louder
It then turned into a free for all about the superior race

" It was us Greeks that discovered Democracy."
" We did better, it was us Romans that ruled the earth with the Roman Empire."

"We Greeks built the Colossuss of Rhodes the most magnificent structure the world has ever known."
"" We Italians built better we built the Coliseum, the greatest staduim in history."

The Greek was all fired up now, and saved his best shot till last

" We Greeks we invented SEX !!!!."
" True my friend, very true, but it was us Italians that introduced sex to women...

[Baron Greenback]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .



"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"

Bwahaha. Very clever!

[Strawb]

A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her
new outfit before going out. She posed this way and that before her
husband, who looked on with disinterest, then remarked, 'Your bum is
the size of a 3-burner barbecue!'

Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed he lent over, tapped her
on the shoulder, and said, 'How bout it?'

She replied 'No thanks. It's not worth lighting the whole
Barbecue for
half a sausage!'