BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

ALL the other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"

[Groover]

Subject: Grandpa and the Taxation Office




The TAXATION DEPARTMENT decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the Taxation Office. The Taxation Office Auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Taxation Department finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me fifty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!

I'll give that one a 10/10. hilarious!

[mighty_tiger_79]

the kangas beating st kilda

[mal]

Whats black and f...ks himself silly ?
Me and my lucky black suit.

[Strawb]

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT


ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO : No, the name's Lou

ABBOTT : Your computer?

COSTELLO : I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT : Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou .

ABBOTT : What about Windows?

COSTELLO : Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT : Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO : I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT : Wallpaper.

COSTELLO : Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT : Software for Windows?

COSTELLO : No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT : I just did.

COSTELLO : You just did what?

ABBOTT : Recommend something.

COSTELLO : You recommended something ?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : For my office?

ABBOTT : Yes.

COSTELLO : OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT : Office.

COSTELLO : Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT : I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO : I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT : Word.

COSTELLO : What word?

ABBOTT : Word in Office.

COSTELLO : The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT : The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO : Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT : The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO : I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO : That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT : It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO : What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT : Money.

COSTELLO : Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT : Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT : One copy.

COSTELLO : Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT : Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO : They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT : Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT : Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO : How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT : Click on 'START'..........

[locky801]

Lady golfer returned to the clubhouse in distress. She told a Pro she had been stung by a wasp somewhere between the 1st and 2nd holes. The Pro said "perhaps your stance is too wide"

[Sunline]

The Australian Poetry Competition held in the Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists;


1. The university graduate.

2. An old aboriginal.


They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four line poem that contained that word.

The word they were given was “TIMBUKTU”

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu ....."

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

"Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three girls in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I buck one, and Timbuktu ....."

The aboriginal won.

[locky801]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful s * x appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.



At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[locky801]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.



"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"



"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.



"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."



Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing

[locky801]

Confucius Says:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.

< b>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:

Man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

War does not Determine who is right,

war determine who is Left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put Husband in

doghouse soon find him in

Cathouse..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with

Wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails

To build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in Glass house

should change clothes in

Basement..

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[steiger]

Woman who fly upside down in aeroplane
not necessarily have crack up

[westozfalcon]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

[Choccies]

Doug was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Jerry's place with me and have a beer?'
Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?' Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet. So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Jerry's place and have a beer with me?



A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f**king shoes on!

[silicone skyline]

Gold!

[Choccies]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge,bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Lars is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you......be some drinkin''...
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too'...
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex too'...
'Now that's really not a problem,'says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us'...

[Baron Greenback]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge,bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Lars is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you......be some drinkin''...
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too'...
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex too'...
'Now that's really not a problem,'says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us'...

BWAHAHAHA! Love it.

[Choccies]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,'she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked,'What the hell was that for?'

She replied.......'Your f***in` horse just phoned'....

[Lightning McQueen]

Q. Did you hear about the pigmy that ran between a shiela's legs?




A. He got a crack on the head.

[interested observer]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.



It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch

[catchit]

wife looks in the mirror and says to her husband... i am fat and ugly can you please give me a compliment to boost my confidence....he says.. there is nothing wrong with your eyesight love...