BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Footy Chick]

The Ascot Vale Deli in Melbourne now has a new coffee on its menu-


The Des Moran Espresso. It has 6 shots, only costs tuppence and can blow your head off!!

[Strawb]

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through!

-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

[RustyCage]

A taxi driver sees a young Girl about to jump off a bridge into the river, so he pulls over and asks her " What are you doing girl "

" I`m gonna kill myself " she says,

well says the Taxi driver," before you do, would you give me oral sex? "

" Of course " says the girl, and gives him a really good blow job

After she`s finished the Taxi drivers says " Wow that was the best blow job I`ve ever had, why would you wanna go kill yourself "

And the girls says " Coz my Dad hates me dressing up in womens clothes ! "

[silicone skyline]

This wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice
up a dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt
and sits on the couch. At strategic moments she crosses her legs ...
enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crutchless
knickers?"
"Yes," she answers.
"Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of
the couch."

[RustyCage]

Husband in Bed with his wife one night when he reaches over in the dark and squeezes her Tummy, " you know if you were to firm this up a little you could get rid of that Girdle " Totally ticked off with that remark, she says nothing.

5 minutes later he reaches across again and squeezes her breast, " you know if you were to firm these up a little you could get rid of that Bra."

Totally fcked off with this she reaches across and squeezes his knob, " you know if you firmed this up a little, I could get rid of the Gardener, the Milkman and your brother "

[RustyCage]

A husband and wife are waiting at a bus stop with their nine children.After a few minutes,a blind man joins them.When the bus arrives,its crowded and the driver says only the wife and the nine kids can get on.So the husband and blind man decide to walk.After a bit,the husband get irritated by the tapping of the blind mans waking stick.Annoyed he says"why dont you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick?"T he blind man replies"if you'd ave put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick,we'd both be on that damned bus now!"

[RustyCage]

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

[RustyCage]

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

[Booney]

Michael Jackson has just died, the hospital is not sure what to do with his body as plastic recycle night is not until next Tuesday.


( I dont write them ,just passing them on )

[silicone skyline]

michael jackson left it in his will that when he dies he wanted 2 be melted down and turned into a playstation so all the little kids can still play with him

[Pseudo]

[Q.]

When Farrah Fawcett arrived at heaven and god granted her one wish, she asked for all the children to be safe. So god killed Michael Jackson.

[BigDaddy]

Michael Jackson has passed away. Police are investigating and are not blaming it on the sunshine or moonlight at this point, good times is off the hook but apparently the boogie is yet to be ruled out...

[The Yetti]

i was told Jacko died from Food poisoning

From eating 12 year old nuts

[Q.]

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a greyhound?

At least a greyhound waits for the hare to come out.

[mal]

Heaven works in mysterious ways

Jackson got to St Peters gates with 3 other teenage boys who passed away similtaneously
An Ozzie, Italian, and a Jew, all teenagers

St Peter had a soft spot for the young boys and asked Jackson to return back to Earth with the 3 boys as thier time was not up yet
The proviso was that all 4 remain inconspicious and also abstain from what they love the most
If they did what they enjoyed most that would nean an imminent return to Heaven

The 4 of them returned into a busy metropolis somewhere on Earth a few hours ago
They walked up a mall
The Ozzie lad saw a snack bar walked in and gotta Meat Pie and disapeered
At the same time the Italian lad was in a Pizza bar, did what he loved most ordered a Pizza took a bite and disapeered
Jackson on viewing this was obviously distraught
Jackson advised the Jewish boy to not to tempted until he could figure out what to do


The 2 walked for a few minutes where the Jewish lad saw 5 cents on the ground
The Jewish lad bent over to pick the 5c up, and they both disapeered....

[Q.]

[mal]

i was told Jacko died from Food poisoning

From eating 12 year old nuts

Jacksons first meal in heaven
Boysenberries.....

[smithy]

Keep em coming.

[Strawb]

whats the difference between Jacko and a plastic bag?


one white, plastic and dangerous around kids
The other you hold your shopping in.