BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Johno6]

A husband says to his wife, "every time i look at myself in the mirror I get a hard on"

The wife replies, "Thats becuase you look like a kuhndt"

[Drop Bear]

The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

[Strawb]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those'.

[Strawb]

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the gm of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of XXXX smiled and said, "Make mine a XXXX Gold."

To which the boss of C.U.B rejoined, "I'll have a Crown lager, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

Dr. Tim Cooper paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[LMA]

Brown Gerbil says to White Gerbil "So You're New"

[locky801]

Turpentine VS Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.”

[locky801]

An Elizabeth girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.


"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Elizabeth girl,
"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan
and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Elizabeth girl, "Its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!'
or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it...
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says the Elizabeth girl... "I just use their surnames"


An Elizabeth girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll
take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."



Q. Two Elizabeth girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.



Q. What do you call a 30 year old Elizabethgirl?
A.. Granny.


Q. Why did the Elizabethgirl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.



Q. What do you call an Elizabeth girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride...



Q. What's the first question during an Elizabeth quiz night?
A. What the f * ck are you looking at?



Q. What does a Elizabethgirl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.



Q. Two Elizabethkids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..


Q. What's the difference between a boy and an Elizabeth girl?
A. An Elizabeth girl has a higher sp * rm count.



Q. What's the most confusing day in Elizabeth?
A. Father's day



Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Elizabeth ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

[mal]

Warning.......

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.
It's just spam.....

Another warning from the Health Department

SWINE FLU HITS NORTH EAST SUBURBS
There are reports of the swine flu in the suburbs of Manningham and Hampstead Gardens ....

[nuggety goodness]

Warning.......

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.
It's just spam.....

Another warning from the Health Department

SWINE FLU HITS NORTH EAST SUBURBS
There are reports of the swine flu in the suburbs of Manningham and Hampstead Gardens ....

nothin but porky pies Mal...

[magpie in the 80's]

Warning.......

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.
It's just spam.....

Another warning from the Health Department

SWINE FLU HITS NORTH EAST SUBURBS
There are reports of the swine flu in the suburbs of Manningham and Hampstead Gardens ....

NEWSFLASH

it has now hit the suburbs of fulHAM, ovingHAM and all payneHAM areas.



OH MY GOODNESS. TOO ADD TO THE SAYING PIGS MAY FLY

Country areas of HAMley Bridge, littleHAMpton, leasingHAM, HAMpden and HAMilton apparently have been effected


LATEST UPDATE

BOORS plain not affected

[westozfalcon]

Q: What do you call a man with three eyes?

A: Seymour

[silicone skyline]

Matthew Bait

[smithy]

Sorry if this has been done before.

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed s*x obsessed pig,' she retorted
indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places
about our s&x lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'
abouta s*x? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell '
Mississippi '.'

[unknown source]

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the gm of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of XXXX smiled and said, "Make mine a XXXX Gold."

To which the boss of C.U.B rejoined, "I'll have a Crown lager, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

Dr. Tim Cooper paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

funny as hell champ

[mal]

What do you call a horse with wings ?
Pegasus

What do you a dog with wings ?
Linda

[cje]

power has announced next years shirt sponsor will be tampax. a spokesman for tampax said to sponsor a bunch of c**nts going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about.

[mal]

Its the AFL midseason break for Port Power this weekend
Meanwhile the Port Power players are taking Art lessons
To see if they can draw a crowd...

[locky801]

A Game of Golf

A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round
of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking
about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf
team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you
next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say
'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be
okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this
may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They
rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be
there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and pleasant person, and the
guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and
invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at
6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she
played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat
them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They
were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look
bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but
each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was
15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady
lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play,
they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This
woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers,
and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if
you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch
back and forth. When I got married in college, I discovered my husband
always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the
covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed
right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.. Astonished at this
bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's
pointing straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[silicone skyline]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the
market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be
interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Jamaican's thighs.


The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[Q.]

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries an Australian dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" Then the farmer leaves for the fields.  After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one ... right here." Terribly impressed by what he thought just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."