BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[whufc]

Six pick up lines guarenteed to NOT work on women.

1/ Did you fart? Coz you just blew me away!

2/ Are your parents retarted? Coz you're special

3/ My love for you is like diarrhoea, i just cant hold it in!

4/ Is there a mirror in your knickers? Coz i can see myself in them

5/ Your bodys like a spanner. Every time i think of you my nuts tighten!

6/ You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty's only a light switch away!

[mal]

Six pick up lines guarenteed to NOT work on women.

1/ Did you fart? Coz you just blew me away!

2/ Are your parents retarted? Coz you're special

3/ My love for you is like diarrhoea, i just cant hold it in!

4/ Is there a mirror in your knickers? Coz i can see myself in them

5/ Your bodys like a spanner. Every time i think of you my nuts tighten!

6/ You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty's only a light switch away!

7/
THE BAY DISCO
A famous line used by yours truly in my younger days
I would approach women who had good suntans or had a darkish complexion and dark hair
" Excuse me are you from Lebanon?"
" NO WHY?"
" Oh Its just that you look like a 'Beirut' girl...."

[silicone skyline]

Wet dreams are great. They always have a happy ending.

[Baron Greenback]

Never had one. I missed out!

[silicone skyline]

Must have been wanking at an early age. Or other forms of release ...

[Mythical Creature]

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well ... go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

[locky801]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying..


'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.


When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.


So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison!

[Drop Bear]

Bill and Daisy met whilst on holiday and Bill fell head over heels in love with her the moment their eyes met and after just two of weeks during which time Bill had taken Daisy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that this was the real thing and he'd found his soulmate.

On the last night of his holiday, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf fanatic," Bill said to his newfound lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"

Daisy took a deep breath and responded, "Since we're being honest with each other, you need to know that I'm a hooker."

"I see," Bill replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought, then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

[Baron Greenback]

Must have been wanking at an early age. Or other forms of release ...

Probably the first reason!

[silicone skyline]

Saw this on a van heading through Renmark last night.

"The best thing about oral sex is the five minutes of silence."

[Booney]

BBQ rules the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.


Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

[locky801]

The Cheeseburger

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no -where, parks his bike and walks inside..

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

[Booney]

[Drop Bear]

Warning.......

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.
It's just spam.....

[mal]

Warning.......

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.
It's just spam.....

DB
I rang the Swine Flu helpline and all I got was crackling

[Drop Bear]

Warning.......

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it.
It's just spam.....

DB
I rang the Swine Flu helpline and all I got was crackling

Hogwash!

[mal]

Swine Flu is in Hong Kong now
It has mutated with the Bird Flu
When Chinese health officials were asked if it was true the reply was
Pigs Sars ...

[Johnny Bowla]

Pig

[silicone skyline]

All vicitms of swine flu are being cremated at 6am tomorrow. There's nothing like the smell of bacon in the morning.

[Drop Bear]

The NRL has cleared Matthew Johns of any misconduct as the kiwi girl at the
centre of the sex scandle admitted she wasn't aware of the interchange rule.

The Johns event couldnt have happened; there is no way Cronulla could
score 12 times in one night.

She should have stayed still. Its common knowledge that thrashing around
attracts more sharks.

What's the worlds bravest bird? A kiwi, cause it takes on 12 sharks at
once...

What's the difference between Matt Johns and Jaws? In Jaws there was only 1
shark eating the woman.

I found out the name of the shiela Johns planted. It was Joyce Mayne, get
what you want now and nothing to pay for 7 years.

The sharks get more crowds to their gang bangs than they do at their home
games.

Apparently the kiwi woman only wanted "sex" with Johns, not "six".

I finally understand the words to the haka. For years I have been wondering
what "COME MATTY, COME MATTY' meant.