BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

from a tasmanian sons diary.
Sunday: Bored so i tried to suck my own wang. I was successful and my dad walked in and saw me doing it. Dad took one look and said "I wish I could do that. So I Let him

[Drop Bear]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ******* brick wall."

[silicone skyline]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'

[silicone skyline]

New Zealand hooker ...

[mal]

The price of Lamb has gone up in New Zealand
$150 per hour

[Drop Bear]

A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'

[locky801]

The Wash Cloth


"Jane was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor's office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. Jane had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare.


As most women do, she likes to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave herself a quick wash in that area to make sure she was at least presentable.

She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment. She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

She was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' She didn't respond. After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when her 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,'Mommy, where's my washcloth?' Jane told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.'"


Never going back to that doctor. Ever!

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 113-115
A very very hood batch of gags on thses pages
As per usual ratings for jokes that I consider are funny
A rating of 8-0 is needed to make the list
Always remember what I find funny may not be construed as funny by others + vice versa

THEREIGNING BEN C
8-0 TEXT....yuk

LOCKY801
8-2 NURSE CHECK UP ...classic short joke
8-0 CEMETERY...I dig that one man especially this mourning
8-2 GENIE....ohboy
8-0 WASH CLOTH...dunno why but it makes the listings

SILICONE SKYLINE
8-0 FRAUDMANTLE....white line fever !!!! great timing they won 3 games in a row !!!!

DROP BEAR
8-0 SHEEP ....that farmer used to have a service sation Golden Fleece

MYTHICAL CREATURE
8-4 ZOO $500....;luv that one Im sure G appreciates your version !

SJABC
8-2 SICK...

STRAWBO7
8-3 TASSIE DIARY....fcccucucking disgusting !


Great work

2287 POSTS
54485 VIEWS

[Q.]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certainthat he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didn ae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[mal]

A teenage Elizabeth girl is riding her motor bike down Main North Road
She makes a left hand turn on Grand Junction Road to visit her boyfreind at Yatala Jail
The girl misjudges the left hand turn and ends up crashing her bike into the Gepps Cross Hotel !
The girl was injured and unconsious.
She regains her facilities and is in an Ambulance on the way to the Lyle Mac hospital
The paradedic initiates contact
" Hi you have been in a road accident, your in an Ambulance and Im a paramedic."
" I'M IN PAIN I FEEL REALLY SICK."
" Thats OK try and relax, Im going to ask a couple of questions"
' OK."
' Whats your name."
" JENNY PHILLIPS."
" Your doing fine, where do you live?"
" ELIZABETH."
" Im going to squeeze your hand, tell me if you feel anything
" YES I CAN."
" Your doing great, now can you move your neck?"
The Elizabeth girl sways her neck from side to side.
" Thats very good, no whiplash."
" YEAH BUT I FEELS SICK MISTER."
" Your in shock thats why, now this is important , how many fingers am I putting up."
A short pause and
" AWWWWWWWWWWWW NOOOOOOOOOO I'M PARALYSED FROM THE WAIST DOWN...."

[Ron Burgundy]

Two gays are rooting on the loungeroom floor when the house caught fire. Who gets out first the guy on top or the guy on the bottom?




The guy on bottom ... he already has his shit packed!!

[Strawb]

two condoms walk past a homosexual bar and one goes to the other "wanna go in there and get shite faced?"

[Strawb]

Mal was busting for a shite and was starting to turtle neck when he was walking past a bar. He walked in and demanded where the toilets where. "Upstairs and 4 door on the right" said the barman. Mal runs up the stairs and being dark and Mal in too much of a hurry, he madee the mistake of taking the third door. Mal gets into the room and he looks for the light switch as he couldn't find it all he found was a hole in the floor. As he starts letting it go all he can hear is screams and panic sounds. After Mal is finished he cleans up in a wash basin and goes down stairs. Mal walks up to the barman and goes "can I have a beer and where is everyone?" The barman looks at Mal and goes "where were you when shite hit the fan?"

[silicone skyline]

.

[silicone skyline]

1st Joke

A builder has 10,000 bricks.

He uses 8,000 to build a house, 1,500 to build a garage and 499 to build a fence.

What does he do with the last brick?

He threw it in the air.

2nd joke

A lawyer sat on a plane next to a snooty old lady with a poodle.

The poodle snored loudly for about the first hour of the flight, so the lawyer turns to the old lady and tells her to shut the mutt up.

The lady refuses. So, in protest he lights up a fine cuban cigar worth $500.

the lady is intantly infuriated and demands he put it out.

He refuses unless her poodle is removed from the plane.

The lady grabs the lawyer's cigar and throws it out the plane window.

In response, the lawyer throws the poodle out the window as well.

Once the plane lands, the two get out on the tarmac and low and behold the poodle was on the wing of the plane.

Guess what was in it's mouth?










A brick.

[Punk Rooster]

A store that sells New Husbands has opened in New York City. This is where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or she may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So a woman headed into the store to shop for a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs AND Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE

To avoid gender bias charges,the store’s owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Drop Bear]

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

[mal]

Ahh the good ol' days
Bayman picked up another shiela at Lennies Tavern one night
They dashed out to the carpark
Into the back seat of Baymans Valiant
They petted, groped, lathered
She was as horny as hell, she begs
" Please please please give me 12 inches and make me bleed?"
So he made love to her 15 times and punched her in the nose...

[Strawb]

Mal was hard at work but he always kept hearing a little voice in his head saying "It's ok mal to have sex with your patients as long as you don't get caught." But he always kept hearing this second voice that said " How can you claim to be the best vet in Adelaide, When you do that!"

[Booney]

An old sailor comes to town for a bit or R&R. He pops into the Port for some company of a lady of the night.

He meets the shop owner and selects his fair lady from the row in front of him.

When they get up to his room he tells the lady about his life. " You know, I've been a sailor for 40 years and everything in my life I measure in knots. The wind speed, the boat speed, and I have this kinky obsession with getting told during my love making how I am going in "knots".

"Sure,I can do that" says the girl. To avoid him wasting any money they get down to business quick smart.

"1 knot" she says. He thinks " I better get moving "

"2 knots" she says. He thinks "Christ Im trying harder than that".

"3 knots" she says. He blurts out " You must be joking! Only 3 knots"

She says, " Im not joking at all. 3 nots, you're not hard,you're not in and you're not getting you're money back!"