BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

the army have realised they have too many officers, so they decide to offer an early retirement bonus.
they promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line from any 2 points of their body. the 1st officer PUNK ROOSTER, who accepted said "i like to be measured from the top of my head to the tips of my toes". PUNK ROOSTER being 6 foot tall walked a way with a bonus of $72,000. the 2nd officer BAYMAN who is a little bit smarter raises his hands above his head and says "i like to be measured from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes. BAYMAN walks away with a $96,000 bonus. now the 3rd officer MAL being even more smarter says "i like to be
measured from the tip of my penis to my testicles. well the guy giving out the bonuses says to MAL. "i think you should reconsider your measurements considering we ARE giving you a $1000 per inch" but MAL (being the the smart bloke he is)insisted only if the medical officer took the measurement. the medical officer arrived and ordered MAL to drop his pants.
which MAL with a big grin on his face obliged.the medical officer placed the tape at the tip of his penis and started to work back
"MY GOD" said the medical officer "WHERE ARE YOUR TESTICLES"

to which MAL replies calmly "IN VIETNAM"

[magpie in the 80's]

a young girl is walking through a park in the pouring rain when she comes across 3 dogs. being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them,bends down and starts to pat one of them. " ah your so beautiful what's your name" she asks. to her surprise the dog answers her "my name is HUEY and ive been in and out of puddles all day." so she asks the 2nd dog whats its name. this dog talks too. "my name is LOUIE and ive been in and out of puddles all day." so the young girl moves onto the 3rd dog and says "then you must be DEWY" and you have been in and out of puddles all day." "no " replies the 3rd dog " MY NAME IS PUDDLES AND IVE HAD AN AWFUL DAY!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

an asian man walks in to the currency exchange in NEW YORK with 2000 yen and walks out with $200.
the following week he walks in with 2000 yen but this time walks out with only $150.
he asks the teller why he get less money this week than last week. the american lady says "FLUCTUATIONS"
the asian man storms out and just before he slams the door he says "FLUC YOU AMELICANS TOO!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

a man walks up to his co-worker and compliments her on how her hair smells nice. straight a way the woman marches into the bosses office wanting to file for sexual harrassment against this guy. "well hold on there a minute " said the boss "why would you want to file for sexual harrassment. when this guy complimented on how your hair smells so nice." "pretty simple " said the woman " HE'S A MIDGET"

[the tractor]

A vicar is walking through the park when he see's a little girl with her pet dog.
" Hello there, whats your name?" the vicar asks.
" My name is rose."
" That is a lovely name, how did you get that name?"
" Well, when I was in my mummy's tummy, my mother was sitting in her garden when a rose petal fluttered down and landed on her tummy so she decided to call me rose."
" Thats lovely dear and what is your dogs name?"
" His name is 'Piggy'."
" How did he get that name?" aked the vicar.
" Oh, he f#*ks pigs."

[mighty_tiger_79]

Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana,


press the hash key..."

[mighty_tiger_79]

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

[mal]

RATINGS

L/LINDNER......SAINTS.........0.1 absolutely pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
M80S...VIETNAM/BALLS.......8-7 genuine classic
M80S.. DOGS......................7-2
M80S...FLUCUATIONS...........7-7
M80S..MIDGET....................8-5 still laughing
TRACTOR....PIGGYS............7-5
MT79...HASH.......................7-5
MT79...STEAK.......................7-2

[magpie in the 80's]

I LIKED IT MAL!!!

now MAL you got called in by the coroner to talk about your wife's passing.

"well" MAL said "we were on the 3rd hole". my wife was standing on the ladies tee some 30 metres ahead of the mens tee when i hit my drive. from the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped to the ground i knew immediately that she was dead. god only knows where the ball ended up.

the coroner replies "that explains the injury to her head, but what about the maxfli embedded in her rectum?".

"OH" replied MAL "THAT WAS MY PROVISIONAL"

[magpie in the 80's]

a young boy told his mother that his father(MAL) had taken him to the zoo.
the mother couldn't believe it. she said "your father has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life."
the boy said "well he did mum and one of the animals paid $50."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his 2 friends(BAYMAN & MT79) are talking at globe derby park.

MT79 says "i think my wife is having an affair with a electrician. the other day i came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they were not mine".

BAYMAN says " i think my wife is having an affair with a plumber, the other day i found a wrench under our bed and its not mine.

"WELL" MAL says "i think my wife is having an affair with a horse." both BAYMAN & MT79 look at MAL with utter disbelief.

"no im serious" says MAL "the other day i came home and found a JOCKEY UNDERNEATH OUR BED."

[magpie in the 80's]

one sunday MAL walks into a pub with his pet dog.

the barman says "sorry mate no pets allowed in here." MAL says "but its a special dog". turn on the SAINTS game and you will see. the barman anxious to see what will happen turns on the tv.

MAL says "now watch everytime the SAINTS score a point my dog does flips." point after point the dog kept doing flips.

"WOW" thats one hell of a dog you got there. what happens when the SAINTS kick a goal asked the barman.

" i dont know " said MAL "ive only had him FOR SEVEN YEARS."

[mal]

Meatpie in the 80s you continue to amaze with your dialogue of jokes
RATINGS

Golf 7-3
Zoo 7-2
Jockey 7-5
Saints 8-2 cute

MY TURN

wHAT DID pARIS hILTON SAY TO kING kONG ?

aRE You In YeT ?

[bayman]

Meatpie in the 80s you continue to amaze with your dialogue of jokes
RATINGS

Golf 7-3
Zoo 7-2
Jockey 7-5
Saints 8-2 cute

MY TURN

wHAT DID pARIS hILTON SAY TO kING kONG ?

aRE You In YeT ?

thats what all the women say to sam newman !!!

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

cheese sandwich: $2.00
chicken sandwich: $3.00
hand jobs: $5.00

MAL checking his wallet for the necessary payment, walks up to the bar and beckons this gorgeous attractive blonde to come over.

"YES" she enquires with a sexy smile "can i help you"

"i was wondering " whispered MAL "are you the girl who gives out the hand jobs?"

"why yes i am" she purrs to MAL.

to which MAL replies "WELL WASH YOUR F.....CKING HANDS, I WANT A CHEESE SANDWICH

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL,BAYMAN and MT79 had to spend a night at a hotel. trouble is there is only one double bed.
they all said no problems, so they stripped and climbed into bed.

that morning BAYMAN being on the right side of the bed said "i had a great dream that a girl gave me a hand job!!!"
"thats funny" said MT79 being on the left side of the bed said "i had a great dream that a girl gave me a hand job!!!"

finally MAL in the middle says "bloody good dreams guys....all i dreamt was that i was SNOW SKIING"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL went on a business trip to HANSON ROAD.

he saw a hooker and asked "how much for a hand job?" hooker replied $100
"that's a bit rich" said MAL. the hooker pulls MAL a side and says "see that mercedes there i paid for that giving hand jobs"

so MAL gave the hooker the money and proceeded to get the best hand job ever.

next day MAL see's the same hooker and asks "how much for a head job?" hooker says $200 for a head job.
"thats a bit rich" said MAL. the hooker pulls MAL a side and says "see that big yacht there i paid for that giving head jobs."

so MAL gave the hooker the money and proceeded to get the best head job ever.

so on the last day MAL was on HANSON ROAD he saw the hooker and says "the hand job was great, the head job was excellent, how much for the whole package. the hooker replied $1000. "$1000 thats a bit rich" said MAL

the hooker pulled him a side and said " see delfin island way way over there"... "i could afford that if i had a PUSSY!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

an elderly couple were driving interstate and the woman was driving. she gets pulled over by the police.

the officer says "ma'am did you know you were speeding"

the woman being hard of hearing turns to her husband and says "what did he say?"

the old man yells "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." the officer says "may i see your license".

the woman turns to her husband and says "what did he say?"

the old man yells "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE" the woman gives the officer her license.

the officer says "i see your from ADELAIDE. i spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman i ever had."

the woman turns to her husband and says "what did he say?" to which hubby yells "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU"

[Dutchy]

MAL went on a business trip to HANSON ROAD.

he saw a hooker and asked "how much for a hand job?" hooker replied $100
"that's a bit rich" said MAL. the hooker pulls MAL a side and says "see that mercedes there i paid for that giving hand jobs"

so MAL gave the hooker the money and proceeded to get the best hand job ever.

next day MAL see's the same hooker and asks "how much for a head job?" hooker says $200 for a head job.
"thats a bit rich" said MAL. the hooker pulls MAL a side and says "see that big yacht there i paid for that giving head jobs."

so MAL gave the hooker the money and proceeded to get the best head job ever.

so on the last day MAL was on HANSON ROAD he saw the hooker and says "the hand job was great, the head job was excellent, how much for the whole package. the hooker replied $1000. "$1000 thats a bit rich" said MAL

the hooker pulled him a side and said " see delfin island way way over there"... "i could afford that if i had a PUSSY!!!!"

GOLD!!!! ...what makes it so funny is thats its a true story....poor mal

[magpie in the 80's]

well it is MAL"S thread and reading all your guys posts in the gambling room i just like to give it a little touch