BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Choccies]

A woman dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly
Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood-curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put
into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The woman looks startled but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes
later, there are more horrific shrieks of agony.

'Oh my God,' says the woman, 'now what's happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to attach
the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the woman, 'I want to go to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so', says the woman, 'but at least I've already got the holes for that.'

[Choccies]

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.

[Choccies]

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY........

'I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullsh1t!'

[silicone skyline]

The Divorced Barbie Doll



One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It 's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls

[Choccies]

This prostitute who was also a Cricket fan, got a tattoo of Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.
She says to her customer "If you can guess who they are you get a free naughty.".
He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those two ugly bastards are but the one in the middle
with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!"

[Baron Greenback]

That's f*ckin awesome

[Drop Bear]

This prostitute who was also a Cricket fan, got a tattoo of Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.
She says to her customer "If you can guess who they are you get a free naughty.".
He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those two ugly bastards are but the one in the middle
with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!"

HAHAHA!

[silicone skyline]

This prostitute who was also a Cricket fan, got a tattoo of Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.
She says to her customer "If you can guess who they are you get a free naughty.".
He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those two ugly bastards are but the one in the middle
with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!"

Poor Roy.

Can't look at him in the same light again now!

[wycbloods]

This prostitute who was also a Cricket fan, got a tattoo of Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.
She says to her customer "If you can guess who they are you get a free naughty.".
He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those two ugly bastards are but the one in the middle
with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!"

Absolute classic that one.

[Choccies]

mmm....

[The Ash Man]

Guy says to his wife:

“What would you do if I won the lottery?”

Wife Replies:

“I’d take half and leave you!”

Guy says:

“Excellent! I had 3 & a sup….. won 10 bucks, here’s 5, now **** off”

[Choccies]

Guy says to his wife:

“What would you do if I won the lottery?”

Wife Replies:

“I’d take half and leave you!”

Guy says:

“Excellent! I had 3 & a sup….. won 10 bucks, here’s 5, now f*** off”

Noice.....

[catchit]

wife looks in the mirrow and says to her husband, iam fat and ugly can you please say something nice to me to boost my confidence.. he says..
your eye sight is spot on love

[Baron Greenback]

Q. What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
A. A pinball machine.

[Strawb]

Q. What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
A. A pinball machine.

and he became a pinball wizard

[The Ash Man]

A bloke was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a
house,
'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda

about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to

country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one

thought a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable

spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals,
got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The bloke was amazed. He went back in and asked the owner how much

he wanted for the dog.

'Ten euros.' the man said.

'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit'

[silicone skyline]

A bloke was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a
house,
'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda

about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to

country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one

thought a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable

spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals,
got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The bloke was amazed. He went back in and asked the owner how much

he wanted for the dog.

'Ten euros.' the man said.

'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s***t'

Hahaha!

[Drop Bear]

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg.
His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters.
"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

[locky801]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.


Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers"yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian! So where did this happen?"

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?!?! That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing...)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse ....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ! He thought he was going to have a heart attack, he couldn't stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out for Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions....

[Tooting Bec]

That is comedy gold!