BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Strawb]

A tourist walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.


By now very concerned. He ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got one of the Liberal Party

[locky801]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.'

[HH3]

A woman was walking down the road on her way to work one morning when she came across a ladder going up to the roof of a building with a sign attached reading: "Climb the ladder to Success"

She climbed to the roof and found a naked man on a deck chair directly infront of her.

"Who the hell are you!" she yelled

He replied "Hi Im Cess"

[blackcat]

A little boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum "Granny's got a prawn!"
The mother says "What on earth do you mean?"
The boy takes his mother and shows her Granny, stark naked asleep on the sofa.
He points to Grandma's protruding clitoris and says "Granny's got a prawn!"
His mother whispers "That's your grandmother's clitoris son!"
To which the little boy replies..... "Well it tastes like a prawn!

[locky801]

A Homeless deadbeat approached a well dressed businessman begging money for a meal.

"Have a cigarette", said the businessman.
"No I don't smoke."

"Then let me buy you a drink in that bar."
"No I don't drink."

"Well how about I give you this lottery ticket."
"I don't gamble either, all I want is money for a meal."

"I've got a better idea," said the businessman "come home with me and I'll get the wife to prepare the best meal you've ever had."

'Wouldn't it be easier to just give me some money?"

"Yes, but I want my wife to see what happens to a man who doesn't smoke, drink or gamble."

[locky801]

You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'

You wear ugh boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

[locky801]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with sweets. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brother Willie is waiting for us.'

[Drop Bear]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me
and said, ' You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you.
Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"

[Baron Greenback]

That's classic DB.
Love that one.

[Booney]

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each
morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their
lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw
that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White
began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had
somehow survived.

'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me?
Hello!'

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing
hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is
anyone down there?'

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she
heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
singing;

'CROWS for Premiers 2009!'

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh,
thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive.'

[Drop Bear]

Think about it....

[Strawb]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.


The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Collingwood fan," she replied.


The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Richmond fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.


"Mary, why are you a Richmond fan?"
"My mum and dad were born and raised in Richmond, so my mum is a Richmond fan and my dad is a Richmond fan, and so I'm a Richmond fan too!"


"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Richmond fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"


"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan."

[Baron Greenback]

Think about it....

Bwahahaha...
It's funny cos it's true.

[locky801]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either.'

[Choccies]

Two women were sitting together….. quietly.......

[silicone skyline]

Two women were sitting together….. quietly.......

Where???

[Choccies]

Two women were sitting together….. quietly.......

Where???

If I find out I'll let u know..... cos it'd be heaven.....

[The Ash Man]

Two women were sitting together….. quietly.......

Where???

If I find out I'll let u know..... cos it'd be heaven.....

[Choccies]

My doctor referred me to a urologist.
To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."

[Choccies]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'