BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[trev]

thanks Ashman Ive always liked that one.

[locky801]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador

in the middle seat next to the man.


The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is
allowed on the plane ?


The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer
and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'


The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says:

Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.


Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.


Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.


The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says:
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'


'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.


Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,
returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's
arm.


The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making
note of his seat number for the police.'


'I like it!' says his seat mate.


The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.


Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a
moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the

middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.


The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure
out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this,
so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'




The agent nervously replies,




'He just found a bomb !'

[TEX07]

Whats green, has 4 legs and if it falls out of a tree onto you will kill you?





A pool table

[silicone skyline]

Check this out

[Choccies]

A mother is driving along behind a garbage truck when all of a sudden a dildo came flying off the truck and smacks straight into the front windscreen… To the mothers embarrassment she tells her 7 year old son that it was an insect hitting the windscreen. To which he replies “f**k me that insect sure had the biggest cock I’ve ever seen”.....

[Choccies]

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you cu*t !'

[silicone skyline]

Here I sit in misty vapour
In a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger
Watch out asshole here comes finger.

[silicone skyline]

What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?






They can smell it but they cant eat it

[silicone skyline]

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A little boy falls into the mud

Wanna hear a clean joke?

He takes a bath with bubbles

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Bubbles is Michael Jackson.

[Choccies]

My doctor referred me to a urologist.

To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."

[Drop Bear]

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.

One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.

Apparently 'my d*ck' is not an acceptable answer.

[Drop Bear]

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, it gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[silicone skyline]

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face*, it gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[Drop Bear]

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face*, it gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Someone had to say it.

[The Ash Man]

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, it gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Been getting the peanut butter out again DB?

[Drop Bear]

You shouldn't have taught me how to do that.

[The Ash Man]

[Drop Bear]

[Choccies]

Hope it doesn't have a nut allergy as per the thread in General conversation...........

[Strawb]

I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and an IV in each arm.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because
I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so
hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid biatch...why else would I buy dog food??