BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[the tractor]

Did you hear about the Irish cat?
It did a shit and buried itself.

[blink]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer??


Put him in the oven until his Bill Withers.

[the tractor]

What do ducks and lawyers have in common?
They can both stick their bills up their arse.

[bayman]

how do you stop a horse pigrooting ? (bucking is what pigrooting is for those that dont know)
answer below















shoot the pig !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mighty_tiger_79]

A NUN gets on a train, theres a skinhead in front of her eating a bag of prawns. he starts spitting the heads at her, she throws them out the window and pulls the emergency cord.
Skinhead yells 'you'll get fined $50 for that you stupid slut', the nun calmly replies 'when i cry rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10 years you c..t!!!!!!'

[the tractor]

Thats a bloody ripper tiger!

[mal]

Blonde goes into a garage sale and asks
" How much for the garage?"

[mal]

RATINGS TIME

SMAC...COMB...7-5
M80S...3 WOMEN 7-3
M80S....HEN 7-6
M80S..HUNTING...7-2
M80S..HALF DRUNK...8-1 LIKED IT IMMENSELY
TRACTOR CAT....7-5
BLINK...DUCK...? DIDNT GET IT?
TRACTOR...DUCKS...7-2
BAYMAN..PIGROOT...6-1
MT79...FINGERS....8-2 NOT TOO BAD
MAL...GARAGE SALE.....5.5

[mal]

Who wants to a millionaire had Eddie Mcguire as a contestant.
Eddie was on his first question ;
The Quizmaster was Andrew Demetriou.
" Eddie here is a baby photo of a Collingwood footballer, do you know who it is ?"
" I am certain it is Nathan Buckley but can I make the phone call."
Eddie rang Mick Malthouse who had the photo faxed to him.
Mick insists that it is Alan Didak.
After considerable time Eddie makes his decision.
" I reckon its still gotta be Nathan Buckley it's a spitting image of him."
The drum rolls , the excitement is electric and the answer;
" Im sorry Eddie it's not Nathan and your done now."
" Before I go Andrew, what was the correct answer, its killing me ?"
" It was Leon Davis."

[mal]

A wealthy lawyer is being driven in his limo when he sees
2 men on the side of the road eating grass.
" Why are you eating the grass mate?"
" Im very poor , got no money and Im really hungry."
" Get in the car mate, come back to my place and I will give you a good feed."
" Thank you , can I bring my wife and 2 kids, they are under that tree."
" Yeah mate no probs."
The lawyer approached the 2nd man.
" Are you eating the grass for the same reasons?"
" Yes I am."
" You can come over my joint for a feed as well."
" Can I bring my wife and 3 kids as well?"
" No prob mate, bring them along.
They all sqeezed into the car.
One of the men said;
" Sir you are so kind, thank you for taking all of us."
" Nah mate Im glad to do it, and youll really love my place, the grass is almost a foot high."

[mal]

Heres one that Mighty Tiger posted in the SANFL room.

A policeman caught a Woodville West Torrens supporter climbing
the wall at Adelaide Oval last week against Centrals.

The policeman made him go back and watch the rest of the game!

Loved it 8-5 rating [please exclude me from copyrights]

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL lived in an apartment building where each morning had to go down stairs to get his mail.
one morning while getting his mail his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbour snuck out of her apartment to get her mail in a loose robe. when she bent over to get her mail her robe opened to expose nothing underneath. MAL couldn't believe what he is seeing. she says to MAL "good morning i havn't had a man in months" MAL couldn't keep eye contact when the girl said " i hear someone coming quick come to my apartment" once inside she lets the robe fall to the ground and asks MAL what do you think my best feature is. MAL stuttered and drooled and said "your ears." "what do you mean my ears?" look at me, i have perfect round breasts, a nice tight little ass and long legs to die for" "what on earth made you say ears?"

"WELL" said MAL, " in the hall you said you heard someone coming, "THAT WAS ME"

[magpie in the 80's]

a guy (MAL) in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "open the f...cking safe!!"he yells to the woman behind the counter. "but we are not a real bank" she replies "we dont have any money this is a sperm bank".

"dont f...cking argue, open the safe or i'll blow your head off" says the guy with the gun. the woman obliges and once the safe is open the guy says "take out one of those sample bottles and drink it"

"but it's full of sperm" she replies nervously. "dont argue, just drink it" he says. she prises the top off and gulps it down.

"take out another one and drink it, too!!" he demands. she takes out another sperm sample and gulps that down too.

suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the woman's amazement it's her husband.

"SEE HONEY" he says "ITS NOT THAT F....CKING DIFFICULT IS IT"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL, the sperm, was always exercising. he wanted to be in tip top physical condition.

one of the other sperm asks "MAL, why do you always workout instead of lounging around like the rest of us."

MAL replies "WELL, it only takes one sperm to impregnate a woman and im going to be that ONE!!!"

a few days later, things are starting to heat up in the bedroom and all the sperm are raring to go.

when the time was right, MAL was out distancing all the other sperm with his tip top physical condition continuing to pull away from them when suddenly MAL started to swim back towards the other sperm, screaming wildly "GO BACK GO BACK ITS A BLOWJOB"

[magpie in the 80's]

Q: who is the most popular guy in a nudist colony?

A:the guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

Q: who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony.?

A: she is the one who can eat the last doughnut.

[the tractor]

Mal is marooned on a desert island with a pig and a dog.
After a couple of weeks Mal thinks " I'm sick of wanking myself." so he looks at the dog then looks at the pig. "Sorry porky, you're it" but when he tries to have his way with the pig the dog drags the pig to safety.
This goes on for a few weeks with the dog draging the pig away when Mal tries to root it.
But the next day a rubber dingy pulls up on the beach and Elle McPherson strolls up the beach.
Mal is so excited, he runs up to her and tells her about being marooned all this time.
Elle says to Mal " Oh you poor thing. Is there anything I can do for you. Absolutely anything?"
Mal replies " Well yes there is, could you hold that f#*king dog for me"!


Sorry Mal but everyone else seems to pick on you and I'm a sucker for peer group pressure!

[mal]

RATINGS TIME

M80 EARS.........8-6 SENSATIONAL
M80 ROBBERY...7-3
M80 SPOOF.......7-2
M80 NUDIST..... 7-2
TRACTOR ISLAND.....7-4

good work lads

[heater31]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."







There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.








How are women and tornadoes alike?
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They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

[mal]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."







There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "f*** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f*** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

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H31 HONEYMOON....7-9 BIT SEXIST, BUT GOOD. #
4 SEXES.................7-5 #
TORNADOS.............7-3 #

fOR MORE FOOTY JOKES GO TO sanfl ROOM FOR #
THE HEADING GRAND FINAL JOKES. #
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How are women and tornadoes alike?
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They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

[Leaping Lindner]

The Saints are interested in getting Dean Laidley to coach them! Yes! I said Dean Laidley. Made me laugh.