BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Baron Greenback]

Q. What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?

A. A paedophile.

[Baron Greenback]

Q. How can you tell if a Valentine card is from a leper?

A. The tongue's still in the envelope.

[Baron Greenback]

Q: How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?

A: Nail it's other hand to the floor.

[Baron Greenback]

Q: What do 60,000 abused woman have in common?

A: They don't f*cking listen

[silicone skyline]

Solid compilation! HAHA! Love the leper one!

[Baron Greenback]

A young man and his wife go to the hospital to give birth to their new child. On arrival, the midwife prepares the room and ensures that the two are comfortable with the situation. The young man says that this is the greatest moment of his life and he wants to play a part in his new child's life. His wife gives birth shortly after and the young man is overjoyed to have a beautiful baby boy. His wife is tired and the midwife takes the baby from her and says she will bathe him. The young man pipes up and says, "No, I want to play a part in his life as of now, let me bathe him." "Well, alright," replies the midwife, "come with me and I will show you where all the equipment is." As the new father is preparing the bath the midwife says that she will pop out, get a cup of tea and return in two minutes. Baby and father are happy to be left alone. On return however, the midwife sees the father with his shirt sleeve folded up and his index and middle finger in the baby's nose, forming neat figures of eight in the bath. "What on earth are you doing!" screamed the shocked midwife, to which the father replied, "I'm not putting my hand in that water, you ought to feel how f*cking hot it is!"

[Baron Greenback]

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies, "No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck."

[Baron Greenback]

A young girl was standing at the side of a cliff crying, when a priest comes up to her and asks.. "Whats wrong little girl?.. why are you crying?". My mummy and daddy just drove off this cliff and died".. said the girl. "Oh god that's terrible!".. the priest replied... "i guess this just aint your lucky day".. he said as he undid his fly....

[Baron Greenback]

A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix." The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?" "I'm eight, sir." "Oh my God, and how long have you been into drugs?" "Since I was raped, sir, when I was four." "RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?" "I don't remember, I was drunk."

[JK]

Solid compilation! HAHA! Love the leper one!

Agree and agree lol fine form Chuck!!

[silicone skyline]

A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies, "No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck."

Give me more!

[Baron Greenback]

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

[Baron Greenback]

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

[Baron Greenback]

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.
On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

[Baron Greenback]

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

[Baron Greenback]

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you **** me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "**** me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, **** her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "**** the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[Baron Greenback]

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug. "Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief," sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me," grinned the convict. "I just murdered a couple of priests."

[Baron Greenback]

Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food.
The other guy asked, "How could you survive without food?"
"It wasn't easy," he said. "But I had a big meal before I was captured and learned to eat my own shit."
"WHAT? That's disgusting!" said the first guy. "I don't believe you!"
Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot.
The second guy said, "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!"
"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."
The next day the guy had set up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers. "This I gotta see," said one of the gamblers.
"It ain't gonna happen," said the other. "No one can eat their own shit."
"Lets do it," said the vet's buddy as he set down a plate full of shit in front of the vet. The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a sudden he bolts from the table and projectile pukes a streak across the room right on the two gamblers.
In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both the vet and his buddy, they take their winnings and leave.
"We lost it all!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you eat the shit?"
"There was a hair in it!" said the vet.

[Baron Greenback]

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

[Baron Greenback]

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea; and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."