BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mighty_tiger_79]

laughter is the best medicine and GOD knows you need it after those joketeams you follow in aint kilda!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

a blonde and a brunette were talking one day.
the brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "HEAD and SHOULDERS".
and this cleared the problem up. the blonde askes inquisitively, "how do you give SHOULDERS

[magpie in the 80's]

grandpa and grandma are sitting at the breakfast table one morning when gramps says "you know dear that today we have been married for 50 years. grandma says thats right and 50 years ago we use to have breakfast in the NUDE at this very table. why dont we try it again says gramps. so they both strip off to the buff and start having breakfast. grandma says to gramps that she's getting hot and cold flushes. to which gramps replies " no wonder your getting hot and cold flushes dear one boobs in your COFFEE and the other is in your CORNFLAKES

[magpie in the 80's]

one autumn day MAL was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse, followed by another hearse, followed by a man, followed by a dog, followed by 200 men in single file going past his house. being intrigued, MAL went up to the man following the 2nd hearse and asked him who was in the 1st hearse? "my wife" said the man to which MAL replied "i'm sorry, what happened to her? "my dog bit her and she died. MAL then asked who is in the 2nd hearse. the man replied, " my mother-in-law my dog bit her and she died as well." quickly MAL asked" can i borrow your dog?" to which the man said "GET IN LINE"

[mal]

Good to see i made the jokes in person gentlemen

MT79 AINT KILDA JOKE [ 0.5 ]PATHETIC
MA80 HEAD AND SHOULDERS [7-5] CUTE
MA80 ELDERLY CORNFLAKES [ 8-2 ] VERY GOOD
M80 HEARSE [7-7 ]GOOD


PS refer AFL room, premiership window, for MT79 post 22/9/06

[the tractor]

What do you call the dandruff in womens knickers?
Clitty litter.

[heater31]

Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car down to a bank they're going to rob.

"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't
want all the nitro in the boot to explode."

"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box
under the seat . . . "

[heater31]

and another one

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video shop and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video shop to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Shop assistant: "Sorry about, that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde says "It's called 'Head Cleaner."





and i will chuck this one in too,

Why do women have two sets of lips?
One set to bitch at you with, and the other to apologize with.

[magpie in the 80's]

JIM and EDNA were both patients of a mental hospital.
one day when they walked past the swimming pool JIM suddenly jumped into the deep end. he sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. EDNA promptly jumped in to save him. she swam to the bottom and pulled JIM out. when the director of nursing became aware of EDNA'S heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. when she went to tell EDNA the news she said "EDNA i have good news and bad news." the good news is your being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient." " i conclude that your act displays a sound mind"
the bad news is that JIM, the patient you saved, hanged himself with the belt from his robe, straight after you saved him. i'm sorry to say " he's dead". EDNA says " he didn't hang himself "I PUT HIM THERE TO DRY" "HOW SOON CAN I GO HOME"

[magpie in the 80's]

a man and woman are sitting next to each other in 1st class. the man sneezes , pulls out his dick and wipes the tip off. the woman can't believe what she just saw and turned away embaressed. the man sneezes again and proceeds to pull out his dick and wipe the tip off again. the woman starts to think she's going nuts because of what she thought she saw. the man for the 3rd time sneezes and again takes his dick out and wipes the top off. the woman has finally had enough and says "3 times you have sneezed sir and 3 times you have taken your penis out and wiped the tip off, what are you some sort of dengenerate?!!!" the man replies "i'm sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. i have this rare condition such that when i sneeze, i have an orgasm." the woman says " oh how strange. what are you taking for it?"
to which the man replied "PEPPER"

[magpie in the 80's]

guess what this is............

"F..CK OFF!!!!"
"No its my turn"
"But you had it earlier let me have it you bastard"
"Shut the F..CK up i'm not finished"
.
.
.
.
.
siamese twins having a wank

[magpie in the 80's]

a woman went with her husband to the doctor's . after his checkup, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. the doc said, " your husband his suffering from a very servere stress disorder. if you don't do the following, your husband will surely die". each morning prepare him a good healthy breakfast. be plesant at all times. for lunch make him a nutrious meal. for dinner prepare him his favourite meal. don't burden him with any jobs round the house. don't discuss your problems with him, it will only stress him more. no nagging and most importantly , give him a blow job several times a week. if you can do this for the next 10 months, i think your husband will regain his health completely."

on the way home, the husband asked his wife, "what did the doctor say"
to which she replied "YOUR GOING TO DIE SOON"

[Rik E Boy]

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi
guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a very attractive
blonde Swiss girl. The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds
later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the
tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his
cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and
fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to
slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

regards,

REB

[mal]

RATINGS TIME

tractor litter 7-2
h31 2 blondes 7-2
h31 video 7-5
m80 jim edna 7-4
m80 pepper 7-5
m80 siamese 8-1 you sicko
m80 doctors 8-3 ripper
reb train 8-0 marvellous stuff that ritchie.

Keep em comin' enjoying thm all.

[smac]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee, and as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 20 pounds. Go and buy some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked und er it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?" She, too, explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o' Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up”

[Booney]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[magpie in the 80's]

3 women walking down the street are stopped by a man doing a survey.
the man asks the 3 ladies would they mind explaining to him how they know when they have had a good night out.
1st lady said "i come home,get into bed and if i lie there and tingle all over then iv'e had a good night out."
2nd lady said "i come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, hop into bed and if i tingle all over then ive had a good night out. 3rd lady says " IF i get home, i rip my knickers off and throw them against the wall and if they STICK then i know it was a great night out"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was driving down a little country road when out into the road strayed a (PUNK) rooster. "WHACK" the rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. shaken MAL pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. the farmer appeared. MAL some what nervously said " i think i killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him". "suit yourself " said the farmer "THE HENS ARE ROUND THE BACK"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL went out hunting. he had all the gear, the jacket the boots, the double barrel shotgun. as he was climbing over the fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, hitting him in his penis. obviously he had to see a doctor. when he woke up from surgery, he found the doctor had done a marvellous job repairing it. as he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.
"this is my brother's card. i'll make an appointment for you". MAL says "is he a doctor too" "no" said the doctor, he plays the flute. he'll show you were to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL comes home from a night of drinking at the pub. as he falls through the doorway,his wife snaps at him. "whats the big idea coming home half drunk" to which MAL replies "I'M SORRY HONEY I RAN OUT OF MONEY"