BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

" WHEN IM BROKE IM BROKE."

G is a mad gambler
he was having a rough 'trot'
he had lost his balls on the Globe Derby trots on the weekend
Bayman came over for thier early morning Monday game of golf, G re-nigged and told Bayman
" MATE CANT AFFORD IT WHEN IM BROKE IM BROKE."
Dutchy called in mid morning too see if G was going to the Globe Derby, same answer
" SORRY DUTCHY GOT NO $$$ , WHEN IM BROKE IM BROKE."
Another knock on the door, G is getting a bit cheesed off, its Punk wanting to see if G wants to punt at the TAB, G responds
" PUNK WHY DOES EVERYBODY COME OVER WHEN IM BROKE , MATE CANT GO TO THE TAB, WHEN IM BROKE IM BROKE."
In the afternoon there is a knock on the door he answered to be confronted by a well dressed young man holding a vacuum cleaner
" Good morning sir, if you have a couple of minutes I can demonstrate this very latest high powered vacuum cleaner."
G had had enough
" MATE CAN YA PISS OFF I HAVENT GOT ANY MONEY, WHEN IM BROKE IM BROKE."
G slammed the door at him
Instinctively the salesman 'wedgied' his foot in the door and pushed it back open.
" Sir dont be too hasty well at least until you have at least seen my demonstration."
The salesman then emptied a bucket of horseshit onto the hallway carpet.
G was furious
" WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING.?"
" Sir dont panic if the vacuum cleaner does not clean all traces of the horseshit I will personally eat the remainder!!!"
G stepped back and replied
" MATE I HOPE YOUVE GOT A ******* GOOD APPETITE BECOZ THEY CUT OFF MY ELECTRICITY THIS MORNING !!!!!!"

" WHEN IM BROKE IM BROKE."

[locky801]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……' --------------------------------------

[Mr66]

South Adelaide Board of Management

[locky801]

LIE DETECTOR!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Keefy]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in freshblood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling himabout where he got it.

He told them to piss off & let him get somesleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

'OK, follow me', he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled round him,tongues hanging out for blood.

'Do you see that large oak tree over there?' he asked.

'YES, YES, YES !!!' the bats all screamed in frenzy.

'Good for you!' said the bat, 'Because I f*cking didn't!'

[Booney]

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps Ill be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he ll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters 'u-n-t?'"
Only one word leapt to mind...
"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

[magpie in the 80's]

A wise man says it's time i do some ratings

so these are my "ATE" or more

punk's oil ate.0
westies ate.4
jim's uWINE ate.5
G wizz ate.7

i only rate jokes "ATE" or more

[mal]

G was frantic and asked his Doctor for a triple dose of Viagra
The Doctor refused on safety issues
G pleaded
" Doc I gotta have it I need it real bad."
" G CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHY."
" Im seeing my ex wife Friday night, I seeing my mistress Saturday night, and the wife returns home from holidays on Sunday night."
" YES I CAN CERTAINLY SEE YOUR PREDICAMENT, I WILL PRECRIBE THE TRIPLE DOSE, BUT I NEED YOU TO COME BACK MONDAY TO SEE IF YOU HAVE ANY SIDE EFFECTS."
On Monday G comes back with his arm in a sling, the doc asks
" WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU ?"
" No one showed up Doc......

[mal]

BAYMAN went to his doctor
Doctor said to BAYMAN : " So whats your problem ?"
BAYMAN said " PROMISE YOU WONT LAUGH ?"
The Doctor explained that he was a proffesional and in 20 years of being a GP had never laughed at a patient.
With that BAYMAN dropped his strides and showed his little eency weency dick , the size of a jellybean
On seeing this the Doctor burst out in laughter and was uncontrollable for about a minute
He stopped and then apologised to BAYMAN
" Im sorry that was so unproffesional of me, now whats the actual problem with your penis."
" ITS SWOLLEN." BAYMAN replied.....

[Dirko]

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.


As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his
arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck.


The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly
nursed her back to health.


When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
of romance.


Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young
woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

[Keefy]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599,
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll
read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'

[Booney]

I'll tell you a short poem; I'll try to make it quick.
You might think it quite harmless; You might well find it sick.
The subject is quite simple: The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things; You ladies should be jealous.
Ever since the early days, When it was small and hairless;
I've looked upon that bit of flesh, As something very precious.

It starts to grow dramatically, When you're about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side; Your willy in between.
When erect it's quite a sight; A purple love machine.

It dangles neatly down below; Obedient and loyal.
Its seeds are hidden well within; Awaiting some fresh soil.
At the slightest hint of lust, It's ready to uncoil.

It has a mind all of its own; It's like a wild beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out; When you expect it least.
You can't control its energy; You must wait 'til it's ceased.

Handle it with love and care; For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend? And when did you last measure?
Still, no matter what its length; It's something you should treasure.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves; Erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off; Just when you wish it wouldn't.
Did that lady notice it? You blush and hope she couldn't.

Some people fret about its size; They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough? It makes blokes quite distraught.
They peek across in public loose, And try not to get caught.

Masturbating is a sin; That's what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives' tales; Outdated and naive.
And if you're feeling tense or stressed, A quick wank does relieve.

Without this fabulous device, No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best; But must admit defeat.
And what a handy tool it is, When one needs to excrete.

The penis is quite marvelous; It has so many uses.
For women it is special too; Excitement it induces.
And babies can be procreated, From its sperm-filled juices.

And always it remains with you; Until you're old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, Or you'll be thrown in jail.
Just look at it and feel proud; And thank the lord you're ma

[magpie in the 80's]

"I WANNA MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE THE DENTIST."
" two thirty."
YES NOW WHAT TIME CAN I HAVE THE APPOINTMENT."
" two thirty."
YES IT DOES NOW WHAT TIME CAN I SEE THE DENTIST?"
" two thirty."
" OFF COURSE MY TOOTHURTY NOW WHAT TIME.....

[mal]

2 Country mates got into a rivetting discussion over a beer
" MATE I PICKED UP A STUNNER LAST NITE."
" Didja score mate?"
" YEAH SEVERAL TIMES MATE SHE ROOTED LIKE A RABBIT."
" Funny about that."
" WHYS THAT MATE?"
" Aw coz I got blind last nite and picked up a big fat pig and had the wildest sex."
" WUZ SHE THAT UGLY?"
" Sure wuz mate and I wuz rootin' her in the barn when her mother came in ."
" SHIT WHAT DID SHE SAY?"
" Oink."

[ryles-kennels]

"GOOD OLD COLLINGWOOD FOREVER!!"

A family of Collingwood supporters head out one Saturday morning to do
their Christmas shoplifting. While in Rebel Sport, the son picks up a
Carlton footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister "Hey mole, I've
decided to become a Blues supporter and I want this for Christmas"
His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him around the head with
her carton of Wini Blues and says, "Shithead, go talk to mum."
Off goes the little lad with the Blues jumper stuffed up his Miller
shirt and finds his mum.
"Mum?"
"Yes,son."
"I've decided I'm going to be a Blues supporter and I want this jumper
for Christmas."
The mother is outraged by this, she throws her moccasins and a full
tinnie of VB at him, she smacks him in the gob and says "let's talk to
your father".
Off they go to Port Phillip Prison during visiting hours, with footy
jumper in hand, and find Moose, his toothless tattooed father.
"Dad?"
"Yes, knackers."
"I've decided I'm going to be a Blues supporter and I want this jumper
for Christmas."
Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says,
"No bastard of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that shit", and
then kicks his arse from one end of the rec-room to the other, just for
good measure. About half an hour later they're all back in the old
Torana and heading towards home. The mother turns to her son and says,
"Knackers, have you learned something today?"
The son says "Shit, yeah ya old slag. I bloody well have."
"Good knackers, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a god damn Carlton supporter for an
hour, and already I hate you Collingwood pricks!!"

[mal]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
ATTENDANTS OR STRIPPERS ?

Dump the MALe attendants, no one wanted them in the first place

Replace feMALe attendants with nice looking strippers, what the hell they dont serve food anymore, so whats the loss.

The strippers would quadruple alcohol sales on board
More businessmen would start flying more often

The strippers could have sex and go down on businessmen as part of the service
More businessmen would start flying again

Because of tips the airlines would not have to pay the strippers, saving wages
The strippers would get so much in tips they could rebate half the tips back to the airlines

Terrorists with some religious beliefs would be afraid to board a plane with naked women
Highjacking would virtually stop
Airline sales would increase

This is definately a win win situation if handled properly an opportunity to turn a liabilty into an assett.
Why didnt Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely
Bill Clinton

[RustyCage]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
ATTENDANTS OR STRIPPERS ?

Dump the MALe attendants, no one wanted them in the first place

Replace feMALe attendants with nice looking strippers, what the hell they dont serve food anymore, so whats the loss.

The strippers would quadruple alcohol sales on board
More businessmen would start flying more often

The strippers could have sex and go down on businessmen as part of the service
More businessmen would start flying again

Because of tips the airlines would not have to pay the strippers, saving wages
The strippers would get so much in tips they could rebate half the tips back to the airlines

Terrorists with some religious beliefs would be afraid to board a plane with naked women
Highjacking would virtually stop
Airline sales would increase

This is definately a win win situation if handled properly an opportunity to turn a liabilty into an assett.
Why didnt Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely
Bill Clinton

Is this a joke or a candidate for 2008 Business Plan of the Year?

[smac]

Thought for the day... Don't piss off someone who owns a backhoe!

[smac]

There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce "Oklahoma".

The Proper Way is: "Okla . . . Homa" (There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h'.)

I can prove it.

[mighty_tiger_79]

has everyone seen the joke about Elizabeth Fritzl via text or e-mail yet????????

ive got it from 4 different people, so im guessing it wont be long until everyone has it....