BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

Well Cupido, Brown and Fergusson may all be playing well but the most reliable bloke to bring it out of our backlines is the boundary umpire

RATING 8.4

[magpie in the 80's]

GREYHOUND GOSSIP

FORMGUIDES
___________


HAYRIDE BINGLE
______________

Was this dog supposed to be called Michael Clarke

[mal]

GREYHOUND GOSSIP

FORMGUIDES
___________


HAYRIDE BINGLE
______________

Was this dog supposed to be called Michael Clarke

This dog is actually running at Angle Park 15/05/08
AG R2-1

[mighty_tiger_79]

rating 2.1 poor effort that

[mal]

Punk walked into the mechanics and asked for a seven hundred and ten.
The mechanics were totally confused
" Whats a seven hundred and ten Punk?"
Punk replied
" YOU KNOW THE LITTLE PIECE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ENGINE, IVE LOST IT AND NEED A NEW ONE."
Punk then explained he didnt know what it was but its always been in his car.
One of the mechanics gave Punk a piece of paper and asked him to draw what the piece looked like.
Punk drew a circle and wrote 710 in it
The mechanic was still stumped and asked Punk to have a look at another car with its hood up.
" Now Punk is there a 710 in this car?"
" YES THERE IS."
Punk was pointing at the oil cap and after a short pause then drew wild laughter from the all the other mechanics,and one replied.
" YOU birdbrain YOUR READING IT UPSIDE DOWN AND IT DOES NOT SAY 710 IT SAYS OIL !!!!!

[Mr66]

That's not a joke mal, its a true story.

[Scouser]

This joke is very wrong so only read it if you're not easily offended.


What makes 9 out of 10 people happy?

Gang Rape

[smac]

I suppose I'm not easily offended then, that's a cracker!

[silicone skyline]

Apologies in advance once more ...

[Dogwatcher]

A little boy asked his dad the difference between a c*nt and a vagina.
Dad takes his son into the bedroom where mum is asleep.
He lifts the sheet up and says to his son "have a look under their mate, see that furry thing, that's a vagina".
The son says "so dad, what's a....." and before he could finish the sentence, dad says "now ssshhhh, don't wake the cu*t up".

[Baron Greenback]

Apologies in advance once more ...

Brilliant SS.

[Baron Greenback]

A little boy asked his dad the difference between a c*nt and a vagina.
Dad takes his son into the bedroom where mum is asleep.
He lifts the sheet up and says to his son "have a look under their mate, see that furry thing, that's a vagina".
The son says "so dad, what's a....." and before he could finish the sentence, dad says "now ssshhhh, don't wake the cu*t up".

Brilliant DW.

[Booney]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break... do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet - ate the cookies... drank the milk... shit on the paper... screwed the other three cats... claimed he injured his back while doing so... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions... put in for Workers Compensation... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!

[mal]

Went to the GP today.
My blood pressure is way too high.
My Doctors advice was no excitement.
I now barrack for West Adelaide.

[mal]

Drebin rings up Wedgie
" WEDGIE WHO WON TODAY?"
" er Norwood beat us by 28 points mate."
" YOUR BULLSHITTING ARENTJA?"
" nah no shit drebs norwood 13-13 north 9-9."
" GEEZ MAL +ADELAIDE HAWK WILL BE UNBEARABLE."
" ah well drebs shit happens mate, oh by the way guess who I saw at the footy today?"
" WHO DIDJA SEE?."
" everyone I looked at."

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 83-86

Previously I have rated all jokes
This format is changed now
I will acknowlege jokes that i have rated above 8

MAGPIE IN THE 80'S
8-1 WORMS...classic classroom gag, and how true
8-0 THIRTY THREE AND A THIRD...good cleam hmourous joke, clever usuage of words
8-3 FIRST CUM FIRST SERVED.... short unsweet disgusting funny joke

LOCKY801
8-0 LOVE JUICE... dunno why I liked this one, just did.
8-1 EYESIGHT......sarcasm at its best, good gag. liked it a lot

CHUCK NORRIS
8-1 CAR OFF THE CLIFF...gem and this emoticom sums IT UP

BOSVIT
8-2 WEST ADELAIDE DEFENCE ....the timing of this was the secret, laughed when I read it

________________________________________________________________________________

1715 REPLIES
46288 VIEWS

Still some very funny gags coming thru this thread
Looking forward to some more

[fisho mcspaz]

Q: What do polar bears like to read?

A: Arcticles.


I know it's dreadful but I made it up all by myself and therefore I'm very proud and someone should give me a sticker

[locky801]

Adult Fairy Tales



CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised
to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two
conditions. 'First, you must wear a diaphragm.'
Cinderella agrees. 'What's the second condition?'
'You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.'
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes,
and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking
love struck and very satisfied.
'Where have you been?' demands the Fairy Godmother. 'Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!'
' I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.'
The Fairy Godmother stated, 'I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!'
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, pumpkin something.
___________________________________________
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters when they were having s@x. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio
skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town
and asked him, 'How's the girlfriend?'
Pinocchio replied, 'Who needs a girlfriend?'
_____________________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly
the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her
throat, said, 'Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!'
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and
pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, 'No, you're not.
You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book.'
____________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, 'You say here that your wife is crazy.'
Mickey replied, 'I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy.'
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, 'Lie to me!
Lie to me!'
___________________________________________
Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him
and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have s@x.
'What's that?' he asked.
She explained to him what s@x was and he said, 'Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.'
Horrified, she said,' Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. 'Here,' she said, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, 'What the hell did you do that for?'
'Just checking for bees,' said Tarzan.

[mal]

An Irishman was stranded on a deserted island for 20 years
one day he saw a speck on the horizon
as the image got closer he saw it was a beautiful big busted blonde in scuba gear
she came on shore
she says the the stunned Irishman
" HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU HAVE HAD A CIGAR ?"
" 20 years."
The blonde unzips the waterproof packet on her right sleeve of her wetsuit and pulls out a box of Cuban cigars.
the Irishman has a few drags and looks appreciably at this lovely blonde
" HOW LONG SINCE YOU HAVE HAD A DRINK OF WHISKEY?"
the Irishman is trembling with expectation
" 20 years."
On hearing that the blonde unzips the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulls out a bottle of Johnny Walker
the Irishman skulls half a bottle, and is still stunned how this lavish beauty keeps producing
The blonde then unzips her top
showing her beautiful bouncy boobs
she slowly unzips to her hips and asks the trembling Irishman
" AND HOW LONGS IT BEEN SINCE YOU PLAYED AROUND?"
With tears in his eyes the Irishman kneeled to the ground and sobbed
" Oh god oh dear god dont tell me youve got golf clubs in there as well."

[mal]

Jim a Mclaren Vale winemaker who produces
Pinot Blanc
and
Pinot Grigio
wines has produced a geneticly modified hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic
and promises to reduce the number of trips elderly people make to the Loo during the night.
The new wine will be patented and marketed under the name of
Pinot More