BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[locky801]

CHILD BIRTH

Should children witness child birth?


Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked

Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her

Mommy so he could

see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed

and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The

paramedic lifted

him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor

began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked

the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had

just witnessed.



Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there

in the first place......... smack him again.

[smac]

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."

The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."

[silicone skyline]

Apologies in advance.
I'm so so sorry.

A man donates blood to his sick wife but after a year they get a divorce.
"Give me my blood back bitch," he claims.
"Here," she says, ripping out her tampon.
"Have it in monthly installments."

[smac]

Oh dear.

You are troubled, aren't you?

[silicone skyline]

The text messages people send me...

[smac]

The text messages people send me...

Blame your boss, go on...

[silicone skyline]

You know it wouldn't be realistic.
He hasn't got a funny bone* in his body.

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 80-83 INCLUSIVE
_____________________________

SILICONE SKYLINE
7-3 TONTO
8-2 GOATS
7-5 WITCH
7-6 RATS
7-4 JESUS
7-9 TAMPON

SMITHY
8-3 TERRY just an absolute gem, your best joke Smithy

SMAC
7-8 CUT TO $25
7-3 MACCAS
7-5 LITTLE BOY + GIRL

STRAWB07
7-5 PUD
7-5 CANCER
??? MULLIGAN??? I just dont get this gag [please explain ]
7-6 BOARD

BIGDADDY
7-8 BROKEN THUMB

SPOGGY IN THE 80'S
8-2 TITS [bbeen using that gag]
7-5 FENCE
7-5 THATS ME

SJABC
7-5 LION
8-0 BIKIE ripper !

DROP BEAR
8-5 WIFE DOESNT USE absolute rip snorting fair dinkum corka
7-6 EDNA

RYLES-KENNELS
7-3 CITIZEN

BOONEY
7-8 HIRED HAND
7-7 COLES stupid stupid stupid joke that one but funny !
8-2 HOOKERS PUSSY bonza gag

CHUCK NORRIS
7-9 TRANSVESTITE nearly made the 8 cut

LOCKY801
7-8 TOILET
7-8 ENEMIES
7-5 GIVE A SHIT
7-6 'SMAC'K HIM

great gags as usual
45431 LOOKS on this thread
50k a possibilty

_____________________
REGARDS
10001

[mal]

What do you call a woman with a vagina beteen her tits ?
Very very very old ....

_____________

REGARDS
10002

[Strawb]

Mal a mulligan is when you play your shot again and don't count it towards your scores it cheating in golf.

[mal]

Mal a mulligan is when you play your shot again and don't count it towards your scores it cheating in golf.

STRAWB07
7-6 MULLIGAN now I get it ! [PARthetic of me]

Made a Booboo before I forgot page 81
so heres that page

SPOGGY IN THE 80'S [ missed a stack]

7-5 PERFECT GIRL
7-7 MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON RIVER [great song]
7-5 GOLF LESSONS
7-6 BAREFOOT
7-9 PINK PANTIES
8-0 ALL MY BUSINESS
7-8 WAKE UP STUPID
7-6 INSAITABLE COCK
7-8 ROBBED
7-7 INDIANS
7-8 3RD TIME
7-7 ONE HAND
8-3 NAKED sensational
7-3 BLUEBERRY HILL [try Cherry Lane ?]
8-3 KEEP AWAY FROM MY WIFE very funny
7-4 GARDINER [not the SK footballers I hope]
8-0 VIAGRA
7-6 THE RING


SMAC
8-0 BLINKER FLUID one of those dopey but had to rate 8+ jokes, excuse me

SJABC
8-0 BANK ROBBER very nice indeed

[Strawb]

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor...... . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million terrorists and one blonde with big tits."


The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits..........?"

Rumsfeld turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about terrorists."

[Strawb]

Mal hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
Mal said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, Mal!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Mal's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'Mal won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

[Booney]

An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

[mal]

A Jewish man sneaked into a Catholic church for confession.
" Father the only reason I married my wife is because she was born on Febuary 29."
" WHY IS THAT ? "
" To save on birthday presents....

[magpie in the 80's]

9999 WA
0000 CUPIDO


Here is a number for the club to contact

1800-1010

1800 won nothing, won nothing

rate it 8.6 MAL BUT SHOULD IT BE A 9

[mal]

Little BAYMAN was walking across Jetty Road at Glenelg
A car swerved and ran over Little BAYMANS foot
Little BAYMAN was on the ground writhing in agony
A Little feMALe who witnessed the incident rushed over to Little BAYMANS assistance
She says to Little BAYMAN
" STAY CALM STAY CALM, I WILL RING AN AMBULANCE ON MY MOBILE."
Little BAYMAN yells back
" No no no I dont need an ambulance I need a TOE truck...."

[locky801]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[locky801]

An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

[smac]

An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Booney beat you by 5 days (look up the page!).