BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Dirko]

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has witnessed the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life". "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right". "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?" "A Harley". And with that the journalist says goodbye and leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: "BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

[Drop Bear]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed," but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"


And the husband began --

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."


The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

[ryles-kennels]

An endearing characteristic of Australians is that they're far more direct and outspoken than New Zealanders when dealing with the sort of elected cretin who wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to communicate.

Below is one such communication…..

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.
Also….would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f***ng astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

s**t!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of all this bulls**t!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my F***ng address!!
What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!

And another thing….. look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a s**t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and get another F***n copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day??
Nooooo……. that'd be too f***ng easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with f***ng our heads cut off, and then having to find some high society w***er to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo!
You know the photo….the one where we're not allowed to smile?! ……you f***ng morons


Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.



P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850!
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL…. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am;
You know…… someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F***ing PAKISTAN!!!........a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'
You are all F***ng idiots

I'm done with this country it’s easier to get into, than it is to get out of!
I'm staying home and hopefully my son and granddaughter won't have as much trouble trying to getting here to see me.

[Booney]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be
happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

[Drop Bear]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.
Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end He sank to the bottom of the
pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said.

Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

When can I go home?'

[Baron Greenback]

Q. What's the best thing about having sex with a transvestite?

A. Reaching around and thinking that you've gone all the way through...

[silicone skyline]

Lol.
That joke is really familiar...

[silicone skyline]

Why do you wrap rats in sticky tape?


So they don't burst when you f*ck 'em.

[Drop Bear]

Q. What's the best thing about having sex with a transvestite?

A. Reaching around and thinking that you've gone all the way through...

Fantastic Bazza!

[locky801]

Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

[Booney]

(From little Miss Boon-7)

Did you hear that the fire fighters went to a fire at Woolworths?

They got confused 'cause they only found coals! (Coles)

[locky801]

All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady!

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.


The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.


'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'


I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.


'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'


'Ninety-eight.' she replied.


'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'


The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,

faced the congregation, and said:



I've outlived the bitches.'

[Strawb]

An older Mal goes to the doctorsto get the results of some check ups. The doctor sit Mal down and says "I have got some very bad news, I am Afraid you have got six month's to live." The Elderly Mal says "Is there any more doctor?" "Yes" replies the doctor "You also have also have Alzheimers." With that Mal's face lights up and says "Thank God I was sure I had Cancer."

[Strawb]

A policeman wanted to talk to Mal about his wife's death "So tell me in your words what happened Mal." Mal replies "Well I was teeing off and didn't see my wife on the ladies tee. And with my shot I hit her in the head."
The policeman goes "Well that explains the ball in her head what about the ball up her arse."
That was my mulligan" Mal replies.

[Strawb]

A Drunken Mal is walking home from a big night out drinking and he spotted a line of people. Thinking this was a free feed he got in line and waited. By the time it was Mal's turn up front he asked about the Food.
The guy in the water replied "You will get food when you find Jesus now come into the water and let me help you find Jesus."
Mal walks into the water and with that the guy Dunks him underwater saying "have you found Jesus Yet?"
Mal comes up spluttering and says "NO."
Same thing happens again Mal gets dunked down and asked the same question. Mal comes up screaming No and are you sure this is the place that you Lost HIM."

[Strawb]

Mal walks into a Chemist and ask's "Do you sell any Condoms?" "yes replies what size do you need?" An embarrassed Mal admits that he doesn't know. Well take this board into that room over there and try different sizes." half an hour later the assistant a bit worried knocks on the door and asks " is everything alright" Mal shouts back " Couldn't be better How much for the board!!"

[Dirko]

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guy's wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn't find any jewellery from the girl. When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?" "No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you." "Hide it? where?" asked the guy," I saw them search you too." "I slipped it into my... a... my... um.... pee pee place." said the girl shyly. "Damn!" swore the guy, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!"

[Dirko]

A Somalia man arrives as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food, free medical care, and free education!" The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Italian."
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!" The person says, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australian?" She says, "No, I am from Africa!" Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?" The African lady checks her watch and says... "Probably at work."

[Booney]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,

"How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

[locky801]

Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you
Think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
Or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said
He looked at me and said,....
'Then, why do you even give a shit