BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL asked BAYMAN the other day why I never got married.

BAYMAN replied "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said MAL. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl -- the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me" said BAYMAN

"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked MAL. I

BAYMAN shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"SHE WAS LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

Two teenagers MAL and SALLY wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while MAL stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads.

"Well, maybe," SALLY says, "but I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us."

MAL stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop! But, if it feels good start singing and we can keep on going. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing."

SALLY agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business.
Ten minutes later, the people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams actually stop playing.

"Mooooo... Mooooo... Mooooo..............MOOOOOON RIVER!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A foursome consisting of MAL, BAYMAN, M80'S and MT are waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball.

She hacks it 10 feet, goes over, whiffs it, and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet, then hacks it another 5 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching a bit impatiently.

She stares back at them and says defiantly, "Obviously all those f....ing lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men (MAL) smiled and said.

"Well, there you have it lady. Maybe you should have taken GOLF LESSONS INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .. "SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN is at the gym one day when he notices that his co-worker and workout buddy MAL is wearing an earring. Then he notices him pulling on a pair of pink underwear. This is a definite eyebrow raiser.

BAYMAN knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

BAYMAN walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings and pink panties."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," MAL replies sheepishly.

"And the pink panties? They barely fit you."

BAYMAN falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing a woman's earring and panties?"

MAL says "EVER SINCE MY WIFE FOUND THEM IN THE TOOLBOX IN MY TRUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband MAL and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, MAL readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years. Each time MAL thought it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband MAL in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing and he had been let go. He started to cry as he said it was unlikely that at the age of 55 he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning. Therefore they were financially ruined.

Calmly, MAL'S wife handed him a bankbook, which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million. She added that they were the largest stockholders in the bank. Then she explained that for 30 years, she had charged him for sex and these holdings were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband MAL was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU ALL MY BUSINESS!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, MALrealized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), MAL wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, MAL woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It's 5:00 AM. WAKE UP, STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik named MAL gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The "party" is escorted to a table and given a menu.

When time to order MAL the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, MAL the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples.

When summoned again, the waiter asks MALthe sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.

MAL the sheik explains: "I was in the desert one day and found a lamp. It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it. Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes...

My first wish was to have an endless supply of money.
My second wish was to have many beatiful women.
And my third wish was to have AN INSATIABLE COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Late one night a woman was walking home when MT grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes.

“Help me! Help me!” she screamed “I’m being robbed!”

“You ain’t being robbed…” her attacker interrupted “You’re being screwed!”

The woman looked down at her attacker as MT unzipped his jeans. “If you’re screwing me with that,” she fumed,

"I AM BEING ROBBED!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian’s head under his arm.
He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money.
The bartender turns to them and says, “I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give them a thousand bucks.”
MAL and BAYMAN guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians.
After a while, they finally spot one.
MAL throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine.
The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and BAYMAN pulls out his knife to claim their trophy.
MAL says, “BAYMAN, take a look at this.”
BAYMAN says, “Not now, I’m busy.”
MAL says, “I really think you should have a look.”
BAYMAN says, “Asshole, can’t you see I’m busy? I’ve got a thousand dollars in my hand.”
MAL says, “Please, BAYMAN, take a look.”
BAYMAN looks up at the top of the ravine, and there’s five thousand Indians standing there.

BAYMAN says, “F...CK WE'RE GONNA BE MILLIONAIRES MAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her “the look”. Whispering under her breath, the wife says “No darling, we can’t do it here, our kid is watching!” MAL replies, “You’re right, let’s go to the beach.”

After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. “Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can’t do that in public!” Embarrassed, MAL admits “You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn’t seen each other for an entire week. Now, I’m a policeman too, says MAL and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me.”

The cop thought for a second and said “Don’t worry… you are a colleague and it’s your first time i won't fine you".


"BUT THIS IS THE 3RD. TIME I'VE CAUGHT THIS WOMAN MAKING LOVE ON THE BEACH THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.”

[magpie in the 80's]

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "MAJOR, HOW DO YOU EXPECT THOSE POOR BOYS TO CLAP WITH ONLY ONE HAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S BIRTHDAY SURPRISE

Two weeks ago was my 49th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The child will remember." The child came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday... ...and there on the couch I sat









......................................NAKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

It was the first day of a new school year.

Three boys BAYMAN, MAL AND M80'S arrive at class late and the teacher asks BAYMAN "Why are you late."

BAYMAN replies "I've been on Blueberry Hill."

The teacher said "Take your seat."

She asks MAL why he was late. "I was on Blueberry Hill also" he replied.

Then she asked M80'S, but he replied with the same answer.

As the boys we're sitting down a girl arrives in.

"Let me guess", said the teacher. "You where on Bluberry Hill also"

"NO.... I AM BLUEBERRY HILL" replied the girl.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, MAL ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, MAL knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave.

Later that evening, the woman told her husband BAYMAN of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case MAL returned.

Sure enough, the next day MAL returned. BAYMAN the husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?"

"Good," said MAL at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to KEEP AWAY FROM MY WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Mrs.MAL was unhappy with the way Elena the maid cleaned.

Finding a layer of dust on the dining room table, she started to chew out the maid.

Elena said, "I'm a better cook than you. I clean house better than you."

"Who told you that?"

"Mr. MAL and I'm better in bed than you too."

Mrs. Abercrombie sneered and said, "I suppose my husband MAL told you that too."

"No..................THE GARDENER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MRS.MAL asks her husband MAL if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

MAL declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again MAL declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."

Once more, MAL declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", MRS.MAL says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'M STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

An older, white haired man MAL walked into a jewellry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. Old MAL said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Old MAL seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and Old MAL stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said OLD MAL, "BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE THE WEEKEND I HAD?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

[smac]

Sherry meets up with Jill as she is picking her car up from the mechanic.
Sherry asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
Jill replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."

[Dirko]

A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the joint! Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line "Did you see me rob this Bank?" The customer replies "YES!" The bank robber raises his gun points it to his head and BANG!! SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD!! He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man "DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????" The man calmly responds "No... but my wife did!"