BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[silicone skyline]

I phoned my local pizza restaurant the other day and ordered a thin and crispy supreme.



They sent me Diana Ross.

God FHM is a good source

[silicone skyline]

MAL's running his eye over a menu in a restaurant when his attractive waitress asks him what he’d fancy.
“A quickie, please”
“Sir,” she says, “I’ll ask you one more time, is there anything that takes your fancy?”
“Yes,” says MAL again.
“A quickie.”
Outraged she slaps him across the face and storms back across the restaurant in a huff.
“Mate,” says BAYMAN at the next table,
“it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.

[silicone skyline]

One night a policewoman pulls over MAL, who has been drink driving.
“Anything you say can and will be used against you,” she barks.
So he looks at her and says, “tits.”

[silicone skyline]

What’s the difference between Britney Spears and your car?
A: you don’t burst out laughing whenever your car has a breakdown.

[Baron Greenback]

What’s the difference between Britney Spears and your car?
A: you don’t burst out laughing whenever your car has a breakdown.

Gold mate. Everyone in the office was wondering why I was laughing so hard!

[smac]

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 77-80

RYLES-KENNELS
________________
7-6 PARENTS

MAGPIES IN THE 80'S
________________
7-4 ETHEL
7-6 THUMB
7-4 WEIGHED
7-4 VASELINE
8-3 THE 111 ...........gem classic male joke top self sp'r'oggy
7-4 MERCEDES
7-4 MATES
7-6 PUBIC HAIR
8-2 SPOON...............clasSICK !
7-3 URINATE
8-0 SMALLCOX.......... terrible but as Dick Emery used to say '' but I like it."
7-5 WINDOW
7-7 MARINES
7-5 BLOWJOB
7-8 BLACK FINGERS
8-0 JUMP.....................ripper, joke went on and on and on and on , but a snizzy punchline

MT79
_____________________
UNITAB unrated

BLUESTHEBOY
_____________________
7-4 SAUSAGE

FALCON CHICK
_____________________
7-6 FUNERAL

SMAC
_____________________
8-0 COMPANIES ................so bad it rated well !
7-5 THE WIFE
7-4 HEARING AID
7-5 FUNERALS
7-7 JESUS
7-8 SHEEP
7-4 ROOSTER

PAFC
_______________________
7-4 NZ
7-5 KITTENS
7-4 MARY LOUISE
7-8 BOOBS
7-5 DARK
8-0 CAMILLA........................royalties for this gag
8-3 BEAUTIFOOL HOUSE.........gem
7-6 80 YEAR OLD MAN
7-5 BBQ
7-8 GOLF
7-5 FART
7-4 THREE BLOKES

LOCKY801
______________________
7-4 BALOON
7-7 VICTORIA
8-0 WOLLIES.........................made it an 8 rating dunno why its a shocker !!!

BOONEY
________________________
7-8 GRIP

BUZZ
_________________________
7-8 A+BS

STRAWB07
__________________________
8-0 FELLATIO..........................oh come now, shocker !

SILICONE SKYLINE
__________________________
7-5 TEDDY BEARS
8-0 SUPREME............................clever
7-4 QUICHE
8-2 TITS...................................I had to take a breast of myself
7-7 BRITNEY


As UsUaL gReAt BaTcH oF JoKeS

[silicone skyline]

MAL boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.


A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”. She turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

Whoa !!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What, exactly, is your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer”, she says ,” I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really,” he says, swallowing hard, “what myths are those?” “Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent.”

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”.

“Tonto,” MAL says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

[silicone skyline]

A visiting professor at the University of Wellington is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a Ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!? I thought you said ‘goats!’”

[silicone skyline]

Two 80-year-old guys, Mal and MT79, went to a whore house and told the woman at the door that they wanted the two most beautiful whores.

The woman was like, they’re old, what are they gonna know. So she sticks them in the two darkest rooms with blow-up dolls.

After they were done, they were walking out of the whore house and MAL says to MT79, “How was your whore?”
MT79 said “She was horrible. She just laid there like she was dead. Well, how was your whore?”

“She was a witch.” MAL responds
“What do you mean a witch?” asks MT79
"Well," MAL says, “I bit her tit and she flew out the window!”

[smithy]

A woman walks into the Ipswich Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?

"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need
all your children's names." "This one's my oldest - he is Terry."

"OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Terry, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through
the
oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they
ALL
named Terri?"

Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to
get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An'

when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come
running.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell

"Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them
all Terry."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and
says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and
not the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names!"

[smac]

A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees.

First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.

[mal]

Two criminals were convicted and were waiting to be fried by the Electric Chair.
Mal and RODROOSTER were both to be executed on the same day + waited in the same room.
The executioner came in and said
" Your first MAL what would you like for your last request?"
" I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE VIDEO OF SHANE WATSONS 201 IN THE PURA CUP FINAL."
" No probs MAL ,now ROD what would you like for your last request.?"
" WELL IF ITS NOT TOO MUCH TROUBLE CAN YOU KILL ME FIRST...."

[mal]

A woman walked up to old BAYMAN
" I couldnt help but notice how happy you look , whats the secret to your vitalty in old age?"
" I SMOKE 3 PACKETS OF CIGARETTES A DAY, I DRINK COKE NOT WATER, I GAMBLE AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, I ROOT PROSTITUTES WITHOUT CONDOMS, EAT JUNK FOOD AND NEVER DO ANY EXERCISE."
The woman was astonished at the old mans response and replied.
" Your amazing, how old are you?"
" 28."

[Strawb]

one day Mal was in the street having a pull of the pud and a copper comes up and asks "Mal what are you doing?"
Mal replies "Ohh F*ckin Nothing"

[smac]

On the way to pre-school, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat and his son, Mal, picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor, "Mal wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then Mal spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

[BigDaddy]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.


'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was
in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his
groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.

[magpie in the 80's]

A female officer arrested MAL for drunk driving.

The female officer tells MAL, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

"Great idea," drunken MAL replies. "TITS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two old pensioners MAL and MRS.MAL are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, little old MAL says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies little old MRS.MAL with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young BAYMAN sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees MAL and MRS.MAL near the gas works. Little old MRS.MAL pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

Old MAL pulls down his pants and grabs the missus's hips, and little old MRS.MAL reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex BAYMAN has ever seen. Little old MAL is banging away at little old MRS.MAL at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, BAYMAN is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know their secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners MAL and MRS.MAL have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, BAYMAN approaches MAL the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

MAL the pensioner replies, "SON 50 YEARS AGO THAT F...CKING FENCE WASN'T ELECTRICFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was a grumpy old man, who like's visiting pubs. He loved to tell people in the pub of all his belongings.

One night, old MAL went to a local pub. As the night get older, MAL get's drunker.

One of the locals there, offered him a lift to his house.

MAL invited the man into the house.

MAL asks the man, "Do you see that lamp?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, that's mine. Do you see that carpet?"

"Yes."

"Well that's mine."

Old MAL show's the man everything and make's him aware of all his belongings. They finally came to the bedroom.

"Do you see that bed?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's mine."

"Do you see that women on the bed?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's mine."

"Do you see the man next to her?"

"Yes MAL, I see!"

"WELL THAT'S ME.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"