BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Punk Rooster]

Ahmed the Arab came to Sydney from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,
'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, s***t in de bocket,
piss on de s***t, and den put your head down over de bocket
and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahmid took the bucket, went into the other room, s***t in the bucket, pissed on the s***t, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said, 'You were homesick .'

[RustyCage]

Ahmed the Arab came to Sydney from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,
'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, s***t in de bocket,
piss on de s***t, and den put your head down over de bocket
and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahmid took the bucket, went into the other room, s***t in the bucket, pissed on the s***t, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said, 'You were homesick .'

Brilliant

[smac]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[locky801]

Not mine but courtesy of Dazza on the Roost


Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of God, " where have you been? "
God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've
made," said God.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, " what is it ? "
It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it
Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.


God explained, pointing down to different parts of the earth, "For example
North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South
America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot
and Russia will be a cold spot."
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and here I've placed a
Continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries.
This one will be extremely hot and arid and this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."
The archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to another area and
asked, "What's that?"
"Ah", said God. "That's South Australia, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's
finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and sportsmen.


The people from South Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and
humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.
They'll be
extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known
throughout the world as speakers of truth."


Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied very wisely, "Just wait until you see all the wankers I'm
putting in Victoria!"
_________________
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

[smac]

A woman was preparing pancakes for Mal and MT79.

They began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The woman saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say , 'Let my brother have the first pancake... I can wait.'" Mal turned to MT79 and said, "MT79, you be Jesus!"

[mal]

Price of Lamb has gone up in New Zealand
To $125 per hour......

[the real number 18]

box head on a diet!

[locky801]

A mate sent me this one, it was so bad just had to post it


A blonde was whipper snipping her lawn and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat along with the tail over to Woollies! Why Woollies???



Woolworths is the largest 'retailer' in Australia!!!

[Punk Rooster]

not only have you stolen dinglinga's avatar, but the title of "worst joke of the year" to!

[locky801]

not only have you stolen dinglinga's avatar, but the title of "worst joke of the year" to!

yep thats a shocker. dont worry Avatar is about to change

[Punk Rooster]

just stick to giving us inside info on the Underbelly series...

[Booney]

A farmer finds his son behind the barn pulling his pud, and the old man exclaims, "Son, if you are old enough to do that, then you are old enough to get married."
The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbor's daughter. The two are soon married and move in with the groom's father.
The next morning, the farmer goes behind the barn again and discovers his son flailing away, just as before. "Son, I got you married so you wouldn't have to do that!"

"Ah, pa, she ain't got no grip at all..."

[mal]

A mate sent me this one, it was so bad just had to post it


A blonde was whipper snipping her lawn and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat along with the tail over to Woollies! Why Woollies???



Woolworths is the largest 'retailer' in Australia!!!

Mate its so shocking that I actually liked it
RATING
7-8

[BUZZ]

I met my partner at the local footy club.
I thought it was great as she had only ever had 2 roots before


Found out later it was the A's & the B's.

[Mr66]

Ahmed the Arab came to Sydney from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said,
'Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, s***t in de bocket,
piss on de s***t, and den put your head down over de bocket
and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Ahmid took the bucket, went into the other room, s***t in the bucket, pissed on the s***t, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?'

The doctor said, 'You were homesick .'

Brilliant

This weeks/months winner.

[mal]

Knock knock
Whose there
Little Boy Blue
Little Boy Blue who ?
A Catholic Priest

[Strawb]

One Day, a young priest was instructed by his elders to do confessions. As he hadn't done this before he was given a list on penance.
A women comes into the confessional and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The young priest replies " what is your sin my child?"
The women replies "I have been telling lies."
The young priest checks his list and says "for the lies you must say ten hail Mary's. & is there any other sins you have to confess?"
The women replies I have also committed fellatio!"
The priest checks his list and doesn't see it. So he asks an Alter boy " What does father Mal give for fellatio?
The alter boy replies " ten bucks!!"

[smac]

Two men, Mal and MT79, who are having a beer in their local pub. Mal points out the window.

"You see that bridge over there," he says to MT79, "it's a good bridge. Built it with me bare hands I did. But do they call me Mal the bridge builder?"

"No mate they don't," says MT79 sympathetically. Mal pulls mournfully on his beer and points out the door.

"And you see that roof on the school? It's a fine, fine roof, took me two months to build it with me bare hands, but do they call me Mal the roofer?"

"No, Mal they don't," says MT79.

Mal takes another swig of his beer, face turning red before he says "but you f--- ONE sheep"...

[silicone skyline]

Knock knock
Whose there
Little Boy Blue
Little Boy Blue who ?
A Catholic Priest

Brilliant!!!
This one goes in the book you're making.

[silicone skyline]

After a woman meets a MAL in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together.
They get back to MAL's flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf.
Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to MAL.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?",
"Well," says the MAL, frowning.
"You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Courtesy of FHM