BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mighty_tiger_79]

UNITAB

[bluestheboy]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.

[Footy Chick]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

.........

.........

F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

[smac]

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

[smac]

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realising that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[RustyCage]

George Bush is visiting Ground Zero in New York when he bumps into a Kiwi visiting the site. George asks him where he is from and bloke says,"I'm from New Zilland bro", now George isn't that smart so not knowing where New Zealand is he asks,"what state is that in?" The Kiwi looks around him and says, "About the same as this place."

[RustyCage]

Theres a priest [ this isn't a paedophile joke ] walking in a park when he spots a little girl. She appears to be playing with new born, kittens " hello little girl, what's you're name?" He asks. " My name is julia, Im playing with brand spanking new straight out of the showroom, new born kittens and they are christian kittens" she replies. The priest has a good long hard think about it, and thinks it is wonderful that already at this age a young girl believes in christianity.

A few weeks later the priest spots the girl again and says " Hello little girl, how are you're christian kittens ? "
She replies " They aren't christian any more " The priest stunned, and upset says " Why aren't they christian any more Julia?"
" Because father, they have finally opened they're eyes " she replies.

[RustyCage]

Joe is sitting at the table eating his breakfast one morning, minding his own business, and all of a sudden his wipe whacks a frying pan across his head.

Joe says, "What was that for "

His wife found a piece of paper in his jacket pocket with Mary Louise written on it.

She asks, "who the hell is Mary Louise "

Joe replies with, "Oh, I got a hot tip at the races yesterday and was told to put some money on this horse."

Wife apologises to him and cooks him a really nice breakfast to make up for doubting him.

Next morning Joe is sitting at table minding his own business, when wife comes over and whacks him across the head again with the frying pan.

"What was that for this time ", he says.

Wife replies with, "Your horse just rang!".

[RustyCage]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E
Sent on: 11/5/2004 - By: Sisi

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't Figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!

A - Almost Boobs.....
B - Barely there.....
C - Can't Complain!
D - Damn!.....
DD - Double damn!.....
E - Enormous!.....
F - Fake......

[RustyCage]

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at

work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides

in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home she
puts
her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."The boy says, "I can't ., I sold my
baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church
and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the
little
boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

[RustyCage]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the
world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their
claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's
official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the
smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply asked,
"Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

[RustyCage]

A Chinese man phones into work feigning illness.

"hurro, Boss. I not velly well. I velly sick. I no work today."
The boss replies "Yeah, righto, mate. I'll tell you what I do when I'm sick, I make love to my wife, and afterwards I'm feeling a lot better. Give it a go, eh?"
"Yes, Boss, OK", replies Chen.

A couple of hours Chen rings his boss again.
"Hurro Boss. Thank for that. I feel velly better."
"Great. Good one, Chen!"
"And Boss, you have velly beautiful house!"

[RustyCage]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never
felt better I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season.
One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.
Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[RustyCage]

BBQ - A Real Man's Cooking
It's the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.

Here comes the important part.....
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again....

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most of all....

10) Everyone PRAISES the man and THANKS him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[RustyCage]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*****d! You've been playing golf!".

[RustyCage]

An elderly couple were attending a church service, about halfway through she
leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[RustyCage]

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie
engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and
a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of
the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF!
Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall
around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.

Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The aussie engineer sits down, cracks a beer,
smiles and says, "Fill it with water".........

[mal]

What do you call a beautiful looking woman on a Catholic Priests arm ?
A tatoo

[smac]

MAL was bragging to his M80's, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered M80's "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

[locky801]

Management

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted


'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago but I don't know where I am.'


The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'


'You must be in Information Technology,' said the balloonist.


'I am,' replied the woman, 'how did you know?'


'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is probably
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information
and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at
all, if anything, you've delayed my trip.'


The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'


'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'


'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my f**king fault.'