BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[smac]

How a marriage works - all men should read this.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"

...and, they lived happily ever after.

[LaughingKookaburra]

I havent checked all posts but one of my all time favorites I can think of atm. Its based on the boxing day Tsunami a few years back.....
Have you heard about the latest Quicksilver pro championships??
It was won by a Sri Lankan on a wardrobe........

[mal]

RATINGS
PAGES 75-77

WEDGIE
----------------
8-1 ELLE good work oldy but goody as presented

SMAC
-----------------
7-4 GUNPOWDER
8-0 LOST KID......I kept thinking where is this gag going, delightFOOL finish
7-8 COMPLAIN
7-5 COP TOILETS
7-8 MARRIAGE

SILICONE SKYLINE
------------------
8-0 MT IS DEAD loved the way it went

BOONEY
------------------
8-0 BLIND MAN terrific punchline
7-5 EYESIGHT
7-5 MONKEY

LIONHEART
------------------
8-2 COSSIE SCALES still laughing [and this was posted in a different room !]

SJABC
-------------------
7-7 BLOWJOB
708 WATER

ih8inthe backline
-------------------
7-5 BROKENBACK

MAGPIE IN THE 80'S
-------------------

8-3 THE 1955 gem one of your finest
7-5 NUNS
7-9 DIAMONDS
7-5 CADILLAC
7-4 PECKER
7-5 PALM READER
7-8 WIZARD
7-6 TOP OF HEAD
7-5 TEA.POTT
7-5 ME AND MY
8-0 VACATION........funny one spoggyboy
7-8 HAMMER
8-0 GORILLA...........funny !
8-0 BAMBI..............
8-1 HOMESICK............ Love it !
7-8 SEND HER IN
7-9 THE 90 YEAR OLD
7-4 RAISE THE DEAD
7-9 TWICE A WEEK
7-4 CRABS

LOCKY801
---------------------
8-0 EYEDROPS.........I like it
7-5 FLIES
8-0 TASMANIANS .....derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

RYLES-KENNELS
---------------------

8-4 BLACK TRACKER.....debut joke and the best Aborigine joke of all time ? how about more gags.

1980 TASSIE MEDALIST
-----------------------
8-0 CHANGEROOMS...... below thw belt but funny

FALCON CHICK
--------------------------
8-0 STUPID........................cute

MR66
----------------------------
7-5 DICK
8-2 PROSTITUTE superb

LAUGHINGKOOKABURRA
------------------------------
7-5 TSUAMI


VeRy GoOd BaTcH oF jOkEs

1522 REPLIES
44220 VIEWS

[ryles-kennels]

PARENT


Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging
Permanent work in an
Often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
And organizational skills and be willing to work
Variable hours, which will include evenings and weekend S
And frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
Primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and

Endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
Until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
Pack mule
And be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
In case, this time, the screams from
The backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
Such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
And stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
Coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
For clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
And embarrassed the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
Half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
The quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
Janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
So that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! ? You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
Of the assumption that college will help them
Become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
You actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
No tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
No stock options are offered;
This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love,
And free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.


Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
Letting them know they are appreciated
For the fabulous job they do...
Or forward with love
To anyone thinking of applying for the job.



** AND A FOOTNOTE ?**



THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! **

If you are fortunate enough you will become? Grandparents

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL a dedicated shop steward was at a convention in ADELAIDE and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, MAL stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel on hanson road where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" MAL said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, " BUT ETHEL HERE HAS SENIORITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but MAL decides to let it go.

"Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have some very good beef stew today."

"Sounds good," says MAL. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of stew, and his thumb is in the stew. MAL is getting angry now, but decides to hold his tongue.

"How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter.

"Fine," says MAL. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now MAL is really getting furious.

"Coffee?" asks the waiter, and when MAL nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now MAL can no longer restrain himself.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!"

"I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place."

"Why don't you just stick it up your ass?"

"WHERE DO YOU THINK I PUT IT WHEN I'M IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

On their first date, MAL took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."

So MAL took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, MAL asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, MAL asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Now MAL began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Rose's roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went.

Rose replied."WOUSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MALwas delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All MAL kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, MAL, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, MAL turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise.

"BUT PASS ME THE VASELINE AND I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

There are these two friends, MAL a white guy and BUBBA a black guy.

One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.

MAL the white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a " | " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another ``|'' on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, BUBBA the black guy barges into MAL the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims,

"A hundred and eleven?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"BUGGER YOU BEAT ME BY 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL comes home and asks where his son is. His wife replies that he's downstairs playing with his new chemistry set.

MAL is curious so he wanders down stairs to see what his son is doing. As he's walking down the steps he hears a banging sound. When he gets to the bottom he sees his son pounding a nail into the wall. MAL says to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" His son replied, "This isn't a nail, dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became hard as a rock."

MAL thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagon." His son quite naturally said, ``Sure why not.''

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad MAL walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagon was.

MAL replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes.

By the way, "THE MERCEDES IS FROM YOUR MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL comes home after a heavy night's drinking.

His wife won't open the door for him, so he starts hammering on it. She still won't let him in, so he starts shouting. The neighbours are starting to notice, so in an attempt to embarrass her, he starts singing at the top of his voice:

"I had her before she was married, I had her before she was married!"

The top window immediately flies open, and his wife responds with equal gusto:

"AND SO DID ALL YOUR MATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor "worked" on her for several minutes.

After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

he answered "I TIED YOUR PUBIC HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!,"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL asked the waiter for a look at the dessert menu, which the waiter produced from a special pouch in his uniform. MAL ordered a desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert arrived, MAL was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from his breast pocket.

MAL was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment.

MAL asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters' trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids dirtying his hands (and therefore doesn't need to waste time washing them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out.

MAL while eating his desert asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in.

The waiter replied,

"THAT'S EASY.................... I USE THE SPOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Lifeguard: "I've been watching you, MAL, and you'll have to stop urinating in the pool.

MAL: "But everybody urinates in the pool."

Lifeguard: "YEAH THAT'S TRUE BUT NOT FROM THE DIVING BOARD MAL!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79 picks a woman up in a bar and takes her home.

When MT takes off his shoes and socks, it is apparent that his toes have had something dreadful happen to them.. "Eeek!" says she. "Oh, I used to have toe-lio," says MT. "You mean polio?" "No, toe-lio." So they continue.

When MT takes off his pants, his knees look like they have been beaten with sledge hammers. "Eeek!" says she. "Oh, I used to have the knee-sles," says MT. "You mean measles?" "No, knee-sles." Still undaunted, they continue.

When MT takes off his underpants, she laughs and says, "DON'T TELL ME.......SMALL-COCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"HE WAS LOOKING THROUGH THE WINDOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

The Sergeant bellows, "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU F...KING ASSES!!!"

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.

The Sergeant hollers, "LOOSEN RANKS!"

The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.

"Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.

"No, SIR!" BAYMAN shouts.

"Why not?" barks the Captain.

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!" MT79 replies

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!" MAL replies

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO THE FELLOW BEHIND ME SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, MAL, died suddenly. According to MAL'S wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped MAL's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.

"MAL, my beloved MAL," she began, "I wish to talk to you. MAL, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, MAL. Do you like it?

"And, MAL," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, MAL. Do you like it?

"Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing MAL's ashes into the air,

AND MAL

"THERE'S THAT BLOW JOB I KEPT PROMISING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," said MAL the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on MAL'S fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" MAL exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right?

AND THEY ONLY BEEN BANGED ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

BAYMAN joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

'WELL A LITTLE AT FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!"