BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, my treat.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was MAL on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so MAL said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke, on my bill.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards MAL.

MAL jumped up and yelled, don't touch me......I'M RECEIVING SOCIAL SECURITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79 a young mixed up gay man was halfway through his first session with his psychiatrist when he called out "Kiss me, Kiss me, Kiss me"
"Certainly not " the psychiatrist replied " That would be unethical. I shouldn't even be screwing you !"

[magpie in the 80's]

The Greek father calls his son a couple of days before Christmas and says, "GEORGE, I hate to ruin your day, but I must tell you that your mother and I are divorcing - forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Mba mba, what are you talking about?" GEORGE screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister Toula and let her know."

Frantic, GEORGE calls Toula, who explodes on the phone."No way are my loving parents getting divorced!" she shouts.

She calls Dad immediately and screams - - "Papa, you are not getting divorced! Don't do anything until we get there. I'm calling GEORGE back and we'll be there tomorrow. Do you hear me?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Endaxi,"
he says,"they're coming home for Christmas AND PAYING THEIR OWN WAY!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL ordered a new pair of reading glasses and went to his opticians to collect them. When he got them, he rang MRS. MAL to pick him up.

On their way home, they stop off at their local coffee shop for a bite to eat. As they looked at the menu, MAL said, "hONEY, I can only see everything double with these new glasses, so please order for me - I’m going to the toilet."

When MAL came back, the front of his trousers were soaking wet. "Oh My," said MRS. MAL, "what happened?"
"Well I'll tell you," said MAL, "As I was standing in front of the urinal, I looked down and I saw two, SO I PUT ONE BACK!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and MRS. MAL were not having a good sex life.
After yet another listless love making session, MAL decided to confront MRS. MAL
"How come you never tell me or indicate when you have an orgasm?"
MRS. MAL looked at MAL with contempt and replied,


"YOU'RE NEVER HOME YOUR ALWAYS AT THE RACES!!!!"

[mal]

JOKES
From experience about one in twenty five odd jokes told to me are strikingly humourous.
The jokes Ive read in BEST JOKES have a good stike rate of being very very funny.
Most jokes about one in four are funny enough.
Occasionally you just laugh when told a joke and not upset the jokester.

RATINGS PAGES 70-73
Spoggyboy has as usual been active in providing us with some seriously funny gags.
The longevity of BEST JOKES is largley due to Magpies gags.

LOCKY801
_______________
7-4 PIG
7-4 DRUNK

MR66
_________________
7-8 XMAS CAROL
7-4 GUM

BARRY DAWSON
___________________
7-3 SAND

SMAC
___________________
7-5 XMAS CAKE
7-4 FERRARI
7-5 TOE
7-8 SALVOS
7-5 FUNERALS

KAHUNA
___________________
7-5 BEER

SJABC
____________________
8-2 RUDOLF a serious stoopid joke, prob should be a 7-1 rating , but...luv it !

MAGPIE THE SPOGGYBOY OF THE NINETEEN EIGHTIES
______________________________________________

7-3 KITTY
7-3 DOG
7-3 CH
7-5 BATHROOM
7-4 CHIMNEY
7-5 REINDEER
7-4 XMALS SONG
7-4 TWELVE DAYS
7-5 DEAF
8-1 MIRROR hahahahhahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
7-8 PUSSY
8-0 COLD ONES I think the Emoticom says it all CLASSICK !
7-5 SEAMEN
7-5 PYFON
8-1 KANGAROO funny simply very very funny, good un spoggyboy
7-9 PREGNANT
7-5 THUMB
7-6 SISTERS
8-2 SOCIAL SECURITY if only you knew how close to the mark this is, ripper
7-3 FIVE DOLLARS
7-3 KISS ME
8-O GREEKS FUNNY !!!!
7-4 DOUBLE
8-0 ORgAsM ohhhhhhhhhh cum now !

[Strawb]

why can't jesus eat m&m's



They fall through the holes in his hands.


Jesus went to a Best Western Hotel and through a couple of nails on the desk and says can you hold me up for the night.

[Strawb]

An aussie, a kiwi, an old lady and a young lady were on a train in France at the last world cup. As they went through a tunnel the lights went out and they heard a loud Wack. After they left the tunnel the Kiwi had a nasty black eye forming.
Here is what the people in the carriage were thinking.

The Old lady
That Kiwi must have touched the Young Girl and the Aussie defended her Honour.

The Young Girl
That kiwi must have tried for the old dear's purse and the aussie made him think twice.

The Kiwi
F*(KING Aussie I can't wait to hit him.

The Aussie
Can't wait till the next tunnel so I can hit that kiwi again.

[magpie in the 80's]

After a particularly bad round of golf, MAL decided not to go to the clubroom bar and started to go straight home.

As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?'

'Yes', MAL answered

'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?'

'Yes, I did. How did you know?' MAL questioned.

'Well', said the policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down.

Now, what do you intend to do about it?' asked the policeman

MAL thought it over very carefully and responded',

"I THINK I'LL CLOSE MY STANCE A BIT, TIGHTEN MY GRIP AND LOWER MY RIGHT THUMB"!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, MAL remarked to a fellow club member MT79', I'm not going to play golf with BAYMAN any more. He cheats.'

'Why do you say that?' asked MT

'Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied MAL indignantly.

'That's entirely possible', commented MT.

"NOT WHEN I HAD HIS GOLF BALL IN MY POCKET', retorted MAL

[magpie in the 80's]

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the Adelaide municipal golf course and MAL was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualising his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse microphone:
'WOULD THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE PLEASE.'

MAL was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement rang out louder', Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee.'

MAL simply ignored the request and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled',
Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE.'

MAL finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back,

"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly stop shouting and let me PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two Mexican detectives MAL and BAYMAN were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked detective BAYMAN.

'With a golf gun,' detective MAL replied.

'A golf gun? WTF'S a golf gun?' asked detective BAYMAN

'I don't know, but it sure made A HOLE IN JUAN!!!!!!!!' said detective MAL

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, MRS. MAL asks why he doesn't include BAYMAN in the games anymore.

MAL asks, 'Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?'

'Of course I wouldn't,' states MRS. MAL.

'Well,' mutters MAL, 'neither does BAYMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!.'

[magpie in the 80's]

MRS. MAL: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAL: Definitely not!

MRS MAL: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAL: Of course I do.

MRS MAL: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAL: Okay, I'd get married again.

MRS MAL: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
MAL: (MAL Makes audible groan).

MRS AML: Would you live in our house?
MAL: Sure, it's a great house.

MRS MAL: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAL: Where else would we sleep?

MRS MAL: Would you let her drive my car?
MAL: Probably, it is almost new.

MRS MAL: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAL: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

MRS MAL: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAL: No, she's left-handed.

MRS.MAL: WHAT!!!!!
MAL:'OH F....CK"

[Mr66]

Gladstone Small has just been named new Pakistan cricket coach.
Lets see 'em strangle him.

[mal]

A new Hollywood movie is on the agenda.
PLANET OF THE APES PART 4
Both leading MALe and feMALe parts have been finalised
Starring
Andrew Symonds and Serina Williams

[Dirko]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother: "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really, was it small?" Sally replied, "No... salty!"
***************************************************
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob... Bob Titsenbeer."
****************************************************
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two people showed up. One was a handsome man in his mid-seventies and the other was a drop-dead, gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The blonde said, "Oh, let me be first!" She ignored the chair, the whip and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion began to snarl and growl and started to charge her. When he was just about halfway there, she threw open her coat, revealing her beautiful, naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her and proceeded to lick her feet and ankles. He soon progressed to licking her entire body. This continued for several minutes and then the once-ferocious lion lay submissively with his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was open in amazement. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the elderly gentleman and asked, "Can you top that?" The older man replied, "No problem; just get that damn lion out of the way!!"

[mal]

Andrew Symonds was driving his car with 3 monkeys in the back seat.
He was pulled over by a policeman.
" Sir I suggest you take those monkeys to the ZOO."
" Ok officer I will."
The next day Andrew is out driving again with the 3 chimps in the back seat again.
The same policeman pulled over Roy
" Hey mister I thought I told you yesterday to take the monkeys to the ZOO."
" I did officer, and today Im taking them to the pictures."

[RustyCage]

A new Hollywood movie is on the agenda.
PLANET OF THE APES PART 4
Both leading MALe and feMALe parts have been finalised
Starring
Andrew Symonds and Serina Williams

There are the two male parts, what about the female parts?