BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL is out shopping for his wife’s Christmas gift and he asks the sales clerk for ideas, indicating that he doesn’t want to spend much money. The clerk brings over a beautiful gold necklace, on sale for only $100.00. MAL shakes his head no.

The clerk brings over several choices of perfume at $60.00 per bottle. Once again, MAL shakes his head no and says,

“Listen, I’d like to look at something cheap.”

The clerk returns quickly and HOLDS UP A MIRROR

[Kahuna]

Thought this was funny.Hope it works.

[magpie in the 80's]

MRS.MAL says to her husband MAL,....."I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises. White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the *perfect* penis."
MAL says, "I bet that one was mine?"
She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."
MAL says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented...and the one on the top was the *perfect* pussy."
She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"
MAL says, "NOPE. YOURS WAS HOLDING UP THE TREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[locky801]

Not so much a joke this one but one of the funniest things I have ever heard on radio

Today a particular radio station had Father Xmas call in and had kids ring up to talk to him, anyway this one lad gets on air, sounded about 4 or 5 and asked what Father Xmas wanted him to leave out for him when he called in and dropped off all of his presents. Father Xmas being the lovely guy he said said he wanted some carrots, a little lettuce and some milk, this kid comes back and says my Dad says I have to leave out a carton of beer as you love beer, Father Xmas says, yes I like an occassional Pale Ale but I have alot of work to do and I cannot drink and drive, the kid repies straight back without any hesitation and says, well my Dad drives home drunk every night. One sober motorist "ME" almost ran off the road in total laughter

[locky801]

MAL is out shopping for his wife’s Christmas gift and he asks the sales clerk for ideas, indicating that he doesn’t want to spend much money. The clerk brings over a beautiful gold necklace, on sale for only $100.00. MAL shakes his head no.

The clerk brings over several choices of perfume at $60.00 per bottle. Once again, MAL shakes his head no and says,

“Listen, I’d like to look at something cheap.”

The clerk returns quickly and HOLDS UP A MIRROR

mmmm I aint no judge but I reckon you may well get a 9 for that one, that is absolutely a superb payout of course with no offence to Mal intended

[mal]

MAL is out shopping for his wife’s Christmas gift and he asks the sales clerk for ideas, indicating that he doesn’t want to spend much money. The clerk brings over a beautiful gold necklace, on sale for only $100.00. MAL shakes his head no.

The clerk brings over several choices of perfume at $60.00 per bottle. Once again, MAL shakes his head no and says,

“Listen, I’d like to look at something cheap.”

The clerk returns quickly and HOLDS UP A MIRROR

mmmm I aint no judge but I reckon you may well get a 9 for that one, that is absolutely a superb payout of course with no offence to Mal intended

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[Dirko]

A married Russian couple are walking through Red Square when the weather suddenly takes a turn for the worse: “Oh great,” sighs the woman, '”snow”. “That's not snow” protests her husband, “that's rain!'”

The two continue to disagree and the argument becomes quite heated. Just then, the man spots a communist friend walking on the other side of the street. He shouts to him, “Hey, Rudolph! Is it snowing or raining?” Rudolph looks up to the sky and without hesitation replies, “It's raining - definitely!”

As he moves on, the man smiles at his wife. “What are you looking so smug about?” she snaps, “that doesn't prove anything!” “Ah but it does,' says the man, 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

[mal]

A married Russian couple are walking through Red Square when the weather suddenly takes a turn for the worse: “Oh great,” sighs the woman, '”snow”. “That's not snow” protests her husband, “that's rain!'”

The two continue to disagree and the argument becomes quite heated. Just then, the man spots a communist friend walking on the other side of the street. He shouts to him, “Hey, Rudolph! Is it snowing or raining?” Rudolph looks up to the sky and without hesitation replies, “It's raining - definitely!”

As he moves on, the man smiles at his wife. “What are you looking so smug about?” she snaps, “that doesn't prove anything!” “Ah but it does,' says the man, 'Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

its so stoopid its a classic

[bayman]

MAL is out shopping for his wife’s Christmas gift and he asks the sales clerk for ideas, indicating that he doesn’t want to spend much money. The clerk brings over a beautiful gold necklace, on sale for only $100.00. MAL shakes his head no.

The clerk brings over several choices of perfume at $60.00 per bottle. Once again, MAL shakes his head no and says,

“Listen, I’d like to look at something cheap.”

The clerk returns quickly and HOLDS UP A MIRROR

mmmm I aint no judge but I reckon you may well get a 9 for that one, that is absolutely a superb payout of course with no offence to Mal intended

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

that just wouldn't happen because mal wouldn't spend money on the wife, well not his wife anyway

[smac]

The Ferrari formula one team recently fired their whole pit team to employ a few young hoodlums. This sudden reaction was due to a documentary about how some young street punks could take off a cars tires within 6 seconds, without the proper equipment.
Ferrari soon realised their flaw.
The young men did not only change the tires in 6 seconds but 12 seconds later the car was resprayed and sold to the MacClaren team!

[smac]

MAL and his little girl were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a lady in front turned around, slapped MAL, and left in a huff.

The little girl remarked, "I didn't like her either, Daddy. She stepped on my toe, so I pinched her."

[smac]

MAL, out drunk one night, went into a telephone booth and dialed at random...

"Salvation Army" came the answer.

"What do you do?" asked the man.

"We save wicked men and women" came the reply.

"Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."

[smac]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[magpie in the 80's]

Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.

Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! boys! Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away."

The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes A COUPLE OF COLD ONE'S AFTER WORK............"

[magpie in the 80's]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female: "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. This they tried and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore.

Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to SWALLOW THE SEAMEN!!!!!".

[magpie in the 80's]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp.

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice,

"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a ****"

[magpie in the 80's]

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change, and would only get one by marrying a virgin male close to her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.

On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.

When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed, and everything in the room, and stacked it in one corner of the room.

Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like sex with a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

[magpie in the 80's]

An extraordinarily handsome MAL decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent but fruitless search up and down the East coast, MAL started to head west.

Shortly thereafter MAL met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

MAL dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said MAL, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested MAL date one of the other girls; so MAL went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," MAL replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So MAL did. The next morning MAL rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Nine Months later the baby was born. When MAL visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, PREGNANT WHEN YOU MET HER!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup.

This upset him, but he was a gentleman and let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot dessert, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.

MAL said,"'Goddammit, woman, get your damn thumb out of my food!"

She replied,"Well, I injured it a while ago and the Doctor said I should keep it warm."

MAL said angrily,"Why don't you just shove it up your ass!"

She said, "THAT'S WHAT I DO WHEN I'M IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs MAL and BAYMAN.

Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he(BAYMAN) knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and moans, "Mine(MAL) does..."