BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[Mr66]

Q - What goes in 'hard & dry' and comes out 'wet & soft'?

A - Chewing gum.




What were you people thinking of?

[smac]

Christmas Cake Recipe

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

[locky801]

obviously speaking from experience SMAC

[smac]

Damn right. That was a transcript of yesterday evening at my place.

[locky801]

Damn right. That was a transcript of yesterday evening at my place.

Thanks for the inviet, ooops invite

[Strawb]

Christmas Cake Recipe

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

You make Christmas cakes the same as i do but i don't make the cake I just sample the whiskey. I think Coorong makes his Christmas cakes the same way

[smac]

Coorong doesn't even buy the other ingredients though, he just buys the whiskey.

[mal]

Coorong and Smac went to the pub one day.
As thy walked in Coorong saw a guy grab a barmaid, throw her on the ground,
pulls her pants down and places his tongue between her thighs.
Coorong rushed up to the guy tapped him on the shoulder and asked
" What the f..k are you doing?"
" PISS OF PAL OR I'LL ******* THUMP YA."
Smac went up to the barman and asked
" Hey barman theres a guy over with his tongue between the barmaids legs do something please."
" I CANT DO A THING MISTER HE'S GOT A LIQUOR LISCENSE."

[smac]

Wow, you know you've made it when you appear in one of Mal's jokes...

I'm humbled.

[Strawb]

i am still yet to be used in one of mal's jokes.

[mal]

Strawb was in a hurry for work one morning, in his haste he took a corner
too quick swerved into a front yard and squashed a cat.
The feMALe owner of the cat was in shock and distressed.
Strawb got out of his car to apologise.
STRAWB:" Im so so sorry I killed your cat, can I replace the cat for you ?
LADY: " **** OFF YOU CANT CATCH MICE."

[magpie in the 80's]

MRS. MAL walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband MAL to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.

So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in MAL'S Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in MAL'S food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in MAL'S food.

Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, "HERE KITTY, KITTY, KITTY"

[magpie in the 80's]

Little MALLY was becoming naughty days before Christmas and his father was getting tired of tackling him. Someone suggested to him to leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift if Johnny behaved naughtily. Two days before Christmas, MALLY'S father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. MALLY replied, "I want a teddy-bear lying by my side, a toy train near the Christmas tree and a bike leaning up against the garage." On Christmas morning, Little MALLY was astonished to find a pile of dog poop by his side, by the tree and by the garage. When his father asked, what did you get for xmas?

MALLY replied," I think I got a dog but I CAN'T FIND THE SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A few days before Christmas, MAL enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings MAL over to a colorful but quiet bird.

MAL agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

MAL is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

MAL says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. MAL rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, MAL holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks MAL what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious MAL moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing "CHET'S NUTS ROASTING ON A OPEN FIRE!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"

BAYMAN raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." and MALLY, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

He finally gathered his wits and asked MALLY how he knew this. and MALLY said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU STILL IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

THOUGHT I'D POST THIS ONE AGAIN

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe. She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says "I've got something special for you Santa. Can't you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgettable."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know."

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says "Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift."

Santa responds "Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

[magpie in the 80's]

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini.

Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these f..ckin' prices, I'm probably the last reindeer you'll see in here."

[magpie in the 80's]

A NIGHT BEFORE MAL'S CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

14th December

Dearest Darling MAL,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.

With deep affection,

You're ever loving Agnes.
--------------------------------

15th December

My Dearest Darling MAL,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves. I am delighted, they are adorable.

All my love,

Agnes
-----------------------------------

16th December

Dearest Darling MAL,

Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.

You're loving Agnes
----------------------------------

17th December

Dear MAL

What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the Postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much.

Love Agnes
---------------------------------

18th December

My Dear MAL

What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you.

Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.

Love

Agnes.
---------------------------------

19th December

Dear MAL

When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbors are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop.

Cordially yours,

Agnes
----------------------------------

20th December

What is it with you and these f***ing birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place! Is it some sort of god damned joke? The house is full of bird shit, and the racket !!! I am becoming a nervous wreck. It is not funny anymore, stop sending these f***ing birds !!!

Agnes.
----------------------------------

21st December

OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long.

F**K OFF !!!!!!!

Agnes.
----------------------------------

22nd December

Look dick head - what are you on ??? You're having a laugh. Now I have nine pipers playing shite music constantly !!! And Christ do they play....When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the f***ing birds !!! The neighbors are threatening to have me evicted.

Agnes.
----------------------------------

23rd December

You are a f***ing bastard !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing. How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night long !!!!! The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.

F**K OFF AND DIE MAL!!!!!!!
---------------------------------

24th December

Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again. The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy. I hope you're satisfied - you c**t.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes.
---------------------------------

25th December

You stinking lousy shit !!!! Twelve f***ing drummers, banging their f***ing drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids? They've probably drowned in the cow shit by now. The only way I have to saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the f***ing pear tree which has been well fertilized by all this shit and has now grown through the roof !!!!!

Big hairy bollocks to you,

Agnes.

[magpie in the 80's]

Two young boys BAYMAN and MAL were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when MAL began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

BAYMAN leaned over and nudged the young MAL and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little MAL replied, "NO, BUT GRANDMA IS!!!!!!!!!"