BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MT79 goes bear hunting for the first time. He gets up at the crack of dawn and is looking over the bear trail and sure enough, the sun comes up and he sees this bear.

MT squeezes off a round. Dirt flies. A twig falls off a tree and stuff like that. He goes running down the hill, looking all over the place, but he can't find the bear anywhere. Next thing he knows, he feels a tap on his shoulder and behind him is the bear.

The bear looks at MT and says "You're new here, aren't you pal? Well we have some rules here. One of them is that if you shoot at me and miss, I get to make love to you." The bear bends MT over and the bear has his way with him.

MT is furious and humiliated, not to mention his ass hurts. So he goes to the gun shop and gets the best bear gun money can buy. He adds a scope and a clip of bullets and goes back to the hill and sees the bear the next morning. He shoots -- boom, boom, boom. Small trees are falling over. Rocks are flying. MT walks down to the bottom of the hill, but he can't see the bear. He feels a tap on his shoulder and it's the bear. The bear says, "Oh you're back! Well, you know the routine." Boom. Bear does it to him again.

Now MT is livid. He drives back to the gun store and gets a 50 caliber machine gun. He sets the machine gun up with a laser scope and goes back out to the forest.

MT spends all night up on the hill waiting for the bear to show up. Just after the crack of dawn, the bear comes down the hill into range and he pulls the trigger and lets the lead fly. Trees are falling over, logs are splintering and tracers are bouncing everywhere. Finally the dust from the carnge is so bad MT can"t see anything so he tiptoes down the hill looking for the bear. MT can't find a trace of the bear anywhere.

Sure enough the bear taps him on the shoulder and says, "HEY PAL ARE YOU SURE YOUR HERE FOR THE HUNTING!!!!?"

[magpie in the 80's]

Four guys MAL, BAYMAN, SCOOB AND ANOTHER GRUB are playing poker having a great time except they were constantly being pestered by the host's young son.

Finally, MAL took the young lad out of the room for a few minutes. The entire rest of evening, the four played poker without interruption from the young boy.

As they were leaving, ANOTHER GRUB stopped MAL and asked, "So how did you keep junior busy the rest of the night?"

"Oh it was simple," replied MAL, "I TAUGHT HIM HOW TO JERK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

It is around Christmas time and MAL the Santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big red suit and white beard. He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas.
As the line dwindles down, a little five year old boy comes up and sits on MAL the Santa's lap.
MAL the Santa says to the little boy, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas. I bet you want a puppy. P-U-P-P-Y." Touching the tip of the little boy's nose after every letter of the world.
The little boy responds, "Nope!"
So MAL the Santa says again, "Then I bet you want a bike. B-I-K-E" as he again touched the little boys nose with his finger.
The little boy again said, "Nope!"
Well MAL the Santa is beginning to get a little pissed off with this, so he thinks to himself that he should try just one more time. MAL the Santa says to the little boy, "I bet you want a fire engine.F-I-R-E E-N-G-I-N-E" once again touching the little boy's nose with his finger after each letter of the word.
The little boy replies, "Nope!"
Well this time MAL the Santa is really pissed off, so he says to the little boy, "Then what the f...k do you want for Christmas you little sh...t?"
The little boy then looked at MAL the Santa and said, "I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y. And don't tell me that you can't give me any because I can SMELL IT ON YOUR FINGER!!!!"

[Strawb]

you last Joke magpie was a f*cking classic thats GOld my friend.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL, BAYMAN and MT79 are driving down the road and they get pulled over by the police. The cop walks up to them and tells them that they were speeding but he says he’ll let them go if they have 21 inches of penis-length between all three of them.

MAL pulls down his pants and proudly displays a 12-inch organ. BAYMAN pulls his pants down revealing an 8-incher. MT pulls his out and it’s only one inch long. So the cop lets them go.

As they’re driving down the road again MAL says to the others, "You guys are lucky I had 12 inches." BAYMAN says to the other two, "You’re lucky I have 8 inches."

MT says to the other two, "You guys are just lucky I HAD A HARD ON!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL a ninety-year-old lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As evening progressed, old MAL joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four days later, old MAL noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked old MAL if he had engaged in sex recently. Old MAL said, "Sure!" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Sure, why?" said old MAL

"Well you'd better get over there, YOU'RE ABOUT TO CUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," says MAL. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "HEY THIS LOOKS LIKE YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL is driving down a country road, when he spots farmer BAYMAN standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. MAL pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that farmer BAYMAN is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

MAL gets out of the car, walks all the way out to farmer BAYMAN and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

Farmer BAYMAN replies, "I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks MAL, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are OUTSTANDING IN THEIR FIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ."

[Strawb]

A blonde is driving around the bush and she sees another blonde in the middle of a paddock with a row boat rowing.
She stops the car and Asks "why are you rowing there?"
The other blonde replies " I am in the middle of the lake and I cannot move."
To which the first blonde replies "It is f**king dumb blondes like you giving the rest of us a bad name and if I knew how to swim I would f**king come out there and drown you YOU F**KING BI**H

[magpie in the 80's]

When MAL and MRS MAL first got married, MAL said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, MRS MAL never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, MRS MAL could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

MAL thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

MRS MAL was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, MRS MAL asked MAL, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
MAL answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling centre and

REDEEMED THEM FOR CASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL had been troubled by his inability to achieve an erection. After visiting numerous doctors and not getting any help he decided to consult a witch doctor. The witch doctor threw some herbs in the fire, shook his rattle, and danced wildly. When he was through he said, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. When you are ready just say...1,2,3, and you will get the largest erection that you have ever had. After your wife has been satisfied she simply has to say, 1,2,3,4, and it will be gone for one year. "Later that night as MAL lay in bed he said to his wife, "Watch this! 1,2,3!" His organ sprang to life, larger and stiffer than ever before.

MAL'S wife was amazed, she smiled and said, "That's great! But what did you say '1,2,3' FOR?"

[magpie in the 80's]

This woman walks into a tattoo shop and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tattoo artist says "thats an unusual request. Why do you want two tattoos there?"
She replies "because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and New Years."

[magpie in the 80's]

Off the seventh tee, MAL sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!

MAL immediately called out to his friend, "BAYMAN, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" BAYMAN asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," MAL shouted. "YOU CANT GET OUT OF HERE WITH AN 8 IRON!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was playing on a new golf course and got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and MAL approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

MAL finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," MAL said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that MAL fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," MAL replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!!!! "

[mal]

RATINGS
As usual the Marvellous Magpie cracked a few funnys

LOCKY801
________________
LAWYER 7-5

SMAC
________________
7-5 norMALly I only comment on 8.0+ gags, this was more a truism than a laughism

STRAWBO7
__________________
7-7

MAGPIE80'S
___________________
7-8 WRONG FEET
7-4 BABY
7-6 JILL
7-5 PREGNANT
7-5 THUMB
7-9 BEAR
7-5 JERK OFF
7-6 SANTA
8-0 HARD ON funny funny funny
8-2 NINETY YEAR OLD hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
7-6 GOLF
8-0 NOBEL PRIZE A for this one
8-1 CANS how clever is that gag
7-9 THE 1/2/3/ FOR
7-3 TATOO
7-4 GOLF
7-9 ONE HOLE BEHIND

Great work lads

43286 VIEWS
1394 REPLIES
1000'S OF LAUGHS

[locky801]

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*ck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[mal]

A Greek drinking ouzo and an Italian drinking Vino got fired up in a
discussion over which country was superior.
" Us Greeks have the Colossus Of Rhodes."
" Yes but we Italians have the Colisuem a wonder of the world."
" Us Greeks we invented the Olympic Games."
" Big deal we Italians had the greatest army in history in the Roman Empire."
" Ahh but my friend, us Greeks invented sex!"
" Yes my dear friend this is true you Greeks did invent sex, but it was us Italians who introduced it to women."

[Mr66]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honour of this holy season" St.Peter said,"You must each possess something that
symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven".

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"Well done, you may pass through the Pearly Gates" said St.Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said that they were bells.

"Congratulations, you may pass through the Pearly Gates", St.Peter said.

The third man (coincidently named Mal) started desperately searching through his
pockets and eventually pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St.Peter looked at Mal with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do these
symbolize?"

Mal replied, "These are Carol's".

[silicone skyline]

Brilliant 66

[Baron Greenback]

Here's one that's a bit wrong.

Q. What's the difference between a truck load of sand and a truck load of babies?

A. You can't unload a truckload of sand with a pitchfork.

Very wrong....