BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and his wife being an 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, MAL got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
MAL replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
MAL replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
MAL said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
MAL said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, MAL said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes MAL returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down!

YOU FORGOT MY TOAST!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions.

The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!"
"Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right, doctor!"

Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!"
"You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left.

The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!"
Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: "LET'S GO HOME NOW DICK!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. MAL her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.

MAL says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"

She says, "WELL YOUR NAME NEVER CAME UP!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race.

The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out.
The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde".

The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, BUT I THINK THE OTHER GIRLS WERE USING THEIR ARMS!!!!."

[locky801]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."



He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.



Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."



Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



“Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.



"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."



The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"



"Moses," replied the bird.



"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"



"The kind of people that would name the Rottweiler Jesus."

[Strawb]

why don't women fart??


They talk to much so the pressure doesn't build up.

[mal]

Mr and Mrs Bayman were working class people
They worked hard enough to afford to send Bayman to a Melbourne college
As soon as Bayman enrolled he grew a beard
After that he grey long sideburns and a moustache.
Bayman dressed extravagantly as well.
Bayman became a real groover at college and had a photo of him taken and sent to his folks.
On the back of the photo he wrote
"Mumsy and Daddio do you like my look, dont I look like a count?"
A reply came from his Dad
" Son , you idiot it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you cant even spell...

[mal]

Whats the smartest thing ever to come out of a womans mouth ?
Einsteins cock.

[mal]

Three old men at a nursing home Bayman, Magpie and Punk
The 3 were discussing when they first got the shakes
PUNK: " 14 years ago I was in the kitchen with the grandkids and was clearing the kitchen table when I suddenly got the shakes and dishes and glasses broke everywhere, I was shocked
In later years I told the grandkids I was juggling, they smile at that."
MAGPIE : " I was doing the waltz with Mrs Magpie when I had a fit, thats the first time I got the shakes and there I was arms and legs everywhere, it only lasted about 30 seconds but everybody was agast in disbelief, I regained my composure and told the others I was imitating a youngster on a disco floor, they laughed.
BAYMAN :" First time I got the shakes I was having a piss, I come three times..."

[mighty_tiger_79]

Why didnt the Greek man enlist in the army ?






He didnt want to leave his mates behind!

[mal]

I remember Bayman as a young lad.
He got this sheila interested in him and was asking me for advice.
" Mal I gotta take this sheila out on a date this weekend, where shall I take her?"
" IDA KNOW BAYMAN YOU WORK IT OUT."
" Mal its my first date I where do I take her?"
" MATE TAKE HER TO THE DRIVE IN AND ROOT HER IN THE BACK SEAT AFTER."
" But Mal I aint gotta car."
" TAKE HER TO THE BEACH AND HAVE A PURVE AT HER."
" Cant Mal, I dunno how to swim , I might embarass myself."
I was getting a bit pissed of with the conversation and then said
" BAYMAN TAKE HER HORSERIDING."
" Hey thats a good idea Mal I'll take her horse riding."

The following Sunday I got a phone call from Bayman
" Hi Mal."
" GIDDAY MATE HOWJA DATE GO, DIDJA GO HORSERIDING?"
" We did and she walked out on me."
" WHAT HAPPENED?"
" Ran outa coins...

[mal]

RATINGS PAGES 68-69

LOCKY801
____________________

8-5 ON THE COUCH Symbolises the male ego, this gag is tops,

MAGPIE IN THE 80'S
_____________________

8-2 BUS SCHEDULE most golf jokes are boring but not this one, simple but a gem
7-5 SNAKE
7-7 PAY TOILETS
7-5 FARMERS DAUGHTER
8-2 WATERMELON FLIES crude, brass, disgusting but funny
8-0 ORGASM STUCK a male chauvo special this one
7-3 POSTMAN
7-9 THAT MUCH BEER
7-4 LUMPY BITS
7-7 CLUMSY BITCH
7-7 ADDED UP
7-4 POISON
7-6 SIX HOURS AGO
7-4 TWINS
7-9 ACUTE ANGINA
7-9 VETS
7-4 TOAST
7-4 DICK
8-2 SIXTY FIVE YEAR OLD ASS one for the feMALes to giggle about
7-2 SWIMMERS
7-2 ROTTWEILER

STRAWB07
________________________

7-4 FART


MIGHTY TIGER79
_______________________

8-2 GREEKS BEHIND ripper tigerboy


Someone asked me about my ratings
I will clarify
7-0 to 7-3 all jokes are funny as a rule but these are just
7-4 to 7-7 fair
7-8 to 7-9 good and nearly worth telling the world
8-0 t0 8-5 all these jokes I would spread around
8.5 to 8-9 absolute classics, the ones you want to email or tell everybody
9-0 + classics legends the funniest jokes of all time


1371 replies
43180 views
xxxxx laughs

[locky801]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didn ae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Baron Greenback]

That's gold.

[smac]

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark.
Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college

2007 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill

1960 - Ants die

2007 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

[magpie in the 80's]

While on vacation MAL and his wife walked into a shoe store. The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, MAL'S wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but MAL felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

MAL asked the salesman, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

So, MAL, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, MAL grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON THE WRONG FEET MON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Two gay men BAYMAN and MT79 decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the couple's delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" BAYMAN says to MT. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy. We must be truly blessed."

The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier OUT OF HIS ASS!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the Australian guy decides to travel around the greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a WEST END DRAUGHT , and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know
each other.

At the end of Jill's shift MAL asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no.

MAL then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night MAL turns up again, orders a WEST END DRAUGHT and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night MAL comes in, orders a WEST END DRAUGHT and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him. She asks MAL where he's from in Australia and he tells her, "I'm from ADELAIDE."

"So am I... What suburb in ADELAIDE?"

"BOLIVAR." he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what street?"

"GLOBE DERBY DRIVE," he replies.

"This is unbelievable i live on that road" she says, "What number?"

MAL says, "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22, my parents still live there!"

"I know..." MAL says, "YOUR FATHER GAVE ME $1000 TO GIVE TO YOU!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call."

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; MAL a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

MAL sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

"Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and 2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells MAL,




"YOU SHAG HER AGAIN MAL, YOU SHAG HER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL was recalling his first time with a condom, He was 16 or so. He went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.

MAL honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb, She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, MAL was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod his head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I SURE DID," and held up my thumb to show her.