BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[mal]

RATINGS 65-67 BEST JOKES

ROGER10
_________________________

7-6 CORN FLAKES

LOCKY801
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7-6 PECKER
7-8 FUNERAL
7-4 THE 104YO
7-8 DRIVERS LISCENCE
8-2 LEOTARDS its so stooooooopid I have not stopped laughing !
7-6 COLES
7-4 FISHING
8-1 ICE CREAM TRUCK cute
7-5 KITCHEN

STRAWB07
___________________________

7-5 STAY
7-8 MJ + JOCKEYS
8-2 MJ PICKING NOSE CLASSIC
8-2 MJ ON A PLANE
7-4 DOG SEX


FALCON CHICK
___________________________

7-6 VICTORIA
7-5 CLOCKS
7-2 TAXI RIDE

KNEES PETERSON
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8-1 PREIST yuk, keep up the good work

SILICONE SKYLINE
____________________________

8-4 MJ + 28 YEAR OLDS one of my favourites

MR66
______________________________________________

9-1 GLITTER as bad as they get !
7-3 PUDDLES

MAGPIE80S
______________________________________________

7-9 DARK
7-4 EAT ME
7-1 WHATS NEXT
7-8 WATCH
7-5 CADDY
7-4 GUM
8-1 MOTEL good work spoggy
7-3 NO CLOTHES
7-6 PUSSY
7-2 CUT COCK
8-3 EAT PUSSY oh my god !
7-5 F...G MY WIFE
7-3 AG BLISTERS
7-4 CUCUMBER
8-2 PENGUIN
7-8 FROG
7-5 TAXI FARE
7-9 PINK SHUTTERS
7-9 TWINS
8-8 MAKE ME BLEED you know I love those sickos spoggyboy
7-4 DRIVE

Great efforts again lads.

[mal]

Which of the following simply does not belong ?

A MEAT
B EGGS
C WIFE
D BLOW JOB

Answer D BLOW JOB

WHY ??????????????

Well its possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you cant beat a blow job !

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S JOKES RATING

MARIO 8.0
W/C PLAYERS 7.2
WIDOW 7.8
18 JEWS 7.3
GAS STATION 8.0
COKE$4.90 7.9
ETHIOPIAN 8.9
PRIESTS 9.0
GLITTER 9.0
BLOW JOB 8.2

[locky801]

oh well ratings are out had better start again



Last week was my Birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "OK," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge Birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...



Naked.

[magpie in the 80's]

The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road.
MAL 1st in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tyre of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, BAYMAN one of MAL's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
MAL picking up his tee said. "You have to know the bus schedule BAYMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN are hiking in the woods when BAYMAN is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," MAL says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

MAL runs back to his friend BAYMAN, who is in agony.

"What did the doctor say?" BAYMAN cries.

MAL weeps and says "HE SAID YOUR GUNNA DIE MATE!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter.
One said to the other, "How do you like that?

" PAY TOILETS!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night.

The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
MAL with a sly grin agreed.

After a hearty supper, MAL was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. all night long MAL gave it to the farmer's daughter with out a word said.

The next morning MAL asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," MAL said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "WE'RE GOING TO BURY HER TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

A newly-wed couple SCD and his wife wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.
On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs apart, eating a slice of watermelon.
SCD sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs apart, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, SCD enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your p....y?" The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning SCD would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning SCD gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your p...y?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your p...y?" she asks, hesitantly.

"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "BUT IT SURE KEEPS THE FLIES OFF MY WATERMELON!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.
They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure; she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.

Our uninformed MAL thought this was incredible - best sex he'd ever had.
He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.

MAL began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and MAL replied,

"I THINK HER ORGASM'S STUCK!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
MAL laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", MAL says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your p...y, and drink from your twat."

She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"

Her boy friend stops and say's "SORRY BABE, I CANT F...CK WITH ANYONE THAT CAN DRINK THAT MUCH BEER!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the old winno staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out. MAL said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave MAL a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.

A minute later another old wino BAYMAN walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. BAYMAN also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and BAYMAN quietly left.

Soon after, a third wino MT79 came into the bar and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though MT79 turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.

Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk MT79 why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks MAL and BAYMAN had asked for cocktail sticks.

MT79 said "Well, someone was sick outside and ALL THE LUMPY BITS HAVE GONE NOW!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.

However, as soon as they settled down, MAL leans over and whispers softly, "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."
The wife takes the hint and says, "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. MAL jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?"
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

MAL looks over and grunts "CLUMSY BITCH!!!!!! ."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, MAL replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" MAL interrupted. "I HAVEN'T ADDED THEM ALL UP YET!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife was on her deathbed with her husband, MAL, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As MAL held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.

She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling MAL," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," MAL said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "MAL," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping MAL. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, MAL. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

MAL mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now honey, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said,



"WHY DO YOU THINK I POISONED YOU!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL a convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because MAL had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house around 12 midnight and he rang the bell.
His wife opened the door and bellowed at him,


"You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? YOU ESCAPED OVER 6 HOURS AGO!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN were identical twins. MAL owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknown to him, his brother BAYMAN'Swife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for
BAYMAN and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

MAL, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

THE OLD WOMAN COLLAPSED

[magpie in the 80's]

This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when SCD'S wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells SCD who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined.
She arranges an appointment and goes the following day.

SCD, while at work receives a call from the doctor.
Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."
SCD: "Yeah, I know, SHE'S GOT A NICE PAIR OF TITS TOO!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL the doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients.
He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."
This made MAL the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said,

"... BUT THEY PROBABLY WERE NOT VETERINARIANS!!!!!!!!!!!"