BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[heater31]

43 reasons to pick up a cricketer


1) We always wear protection.

2) Because with perfect timing we can penetrate a tight ring

3) Once we get in you'll be hit for six

4) We look for gaps and play into them.

5) We are capable of pulling anything.

6) We're not afraid to introduce a third man if required

7) We appreciate legs whether they be fine, short, long or even square.

8) If it starts to get wet we are always sure to have spare sheets and covers.

9) We try to avoid "spraying it"

10) We can go on and on and on for many days!!!

11) We like to play straight

12) We can bat on both grassy and grassless wickets

13) We build long partnerships.

14) We know how to vary the pace to good effect

15) We believe in good helmet protection

16) We're not afraid to spit on our fingers to get the shiny side gleaming

17) We have remarkable stamina with all-round performance.

18) Because our weapons are often wrapped with at least one if not TWO rubber sleeves

19) We score many times.

20) We understand the need for covers and extra covers

21) We definitely know how to 'bang it in'

22) We appreciate a good tail-end

23) Cricketers know for sure that 69 for 2 is a great position to be in.

24) We know how to get a good use of the pitch we play on.

25) We know how to use our bats skillfully while on the crease.

26) We can bowl a maiden over.

27) We know how to arch our backs and give it just that little bit more

28) We're a big fan of video replays

29) We always try to hit the right spot

30) We know how to add that extra bit of pressure

31) We're not afraid of a couple of decent bouncers

32) We never underestimate the value of an overnight stand

33) We usually get through 3 sessions a day

34) We British cricketers relish the chance to go 'down under'

35) We know that chasing a wide one can lead to regret

36) We're not afraid to bring technology into the game

37) We also love to put it in 'The Corridor of Uncertainty'

38) We appreciate the importance of playing in the V.

39) We can be on top all day and still come second

40) We don't like to be given the finger

41) Because we know what it means to score over the covers.

42) If nothing's happening, we like to switch ends

43) If theres a damp patch to be aimed at, u can be sure thats where the balls going.....

Just accept it, a gentlemans sport can only be played by gentlemen...

and of course 'a full toss in the face is always an accident and will be apologised for straight away...'

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL, BAYMAN and MT are discussing women.

"I like to watch a woman's tits best," says MT

BAYMAN says, "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks MAL, "What about you?"

"Me" says MAL "I prefer to see the TOP OF HER HEAD."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm.
She hangs onto MAL'S arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "MAL, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
MAL replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," MAL replies
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
MAL smiles and says, "NO I TOLD HER I WAS 95."

[magpie in the 80's]

THIS IS MAL GOING TO GOLF

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.

NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes into a diner and orders a bowl of chilli.
"I'm sorry" says the waitress, "the man next to you got the last bowl".
MAL looks over and sees the bowl of chilli sitting uneaten in front of the other customer.
"Do you mind if i eat that?" MAL asks.
"Not at all, go ahead" says the other man. MAL begins to eat the chilli, but when he is about half-way done he discovers a dead mouse in the bowl.
Disgusted, MAL vomits the chilli back into the bowl.
"Yeah," says the other man, "THAT'S ABOUT AS FAR AS I GOT TOO!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, MAL turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks YOU HAVE A NICE TIGHT BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[magpie in the 80's]

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. MAL said to his wife that it was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So MAL drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" MAL asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", MAL responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
MAL'S wife said: "ALL OF THEM, OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL'S wife walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "NO, BUT DO YOU MIND IF I WAIT AROUND HERE UNTIL SOMONE DOES?!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

It was a nice sunny day when MAL, BAYMAN and MT were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
MAL says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
BAYMAN says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
MT says, "I WISH IT WAS DARK!!!!!!!!!!!."

[magpie in the 80's]

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME WAS KATZ?"

[magpie in the 80's]

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A: "HONEY, I'M HOME."

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," MAL says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," MAL replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later MAL returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies MAL, "BUT IV'E GOT THE WIFE DRINKING AMERICAN BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL and BAYMAN were camping out one night, when all of the sudden BAYMAN jumps up screaming,
"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
MAL said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So MAL goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" says MAL.
"It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
MAL says thank you, and runs back to the camp site.
BAYMAN asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
MAL replies, "THE DOCTOR SAID YOUR GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!"

[magpie in the 80's]

MAL goes into a bar and says, Quick, a pint of beer before the trouble starts.
The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and pours a pint for the guy.

MAL drinks it fast. Quick! another pint of beer before the trouble starts.

The barman looks at MAL oddly but pours another pint and gives it to him.

MAL drinks it fast. Quick another pint of beer before the trouble starts.

Barman pours a third pint with a frown on his face but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, MAL drinks it fast. Quick another pint of beer before the trouble starts."

The barman replies, Look what trouble is this then?

"I HAVEN'T GOT ANY MONEY" says MAL

[magpie in the 80's]

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to drunken MAL who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches drunken MAL for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said drunken MAL, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"FROM MY NOSE," drunken MAL replied.

[locky801]

MIGHT BE A JOKE FOR SOME YOUNGSTERS ON HERE BUT TO US OLDIES THIS IS SO TRUE


FOR ALL OF US SENIORS OUT THERE...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one, "the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and...," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young...so we invented them.

Now, you arrogant little fart, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding...

I love senior citizens!!!

[JK]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted a very
attractive man standing alone. After watching him a few minutes, she approached
him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name and also uncommon," he said. "Is it a
family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I
like the most in life - cars and men. What's your name?"

"Beertits," he said.

[Drop Bear]

Oi...

[Drop Bear]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery. She looks into his eyes and calmly says,

"No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

[Drop Bear]

Got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of that 'magic'.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a
bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waist line
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...

So I told her to f**k off.