BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[silicone skyline]

Just the one
Hey i helped too
Yeah me as well
Shhhh!

[Dog_ger]

http://s83.photobucket.com/albums/j282/Dog_ger/?action=view&current=BannedCommercials-SharkAttack-thisi.flv

[mal]

A man begins to go down on a woman.
Suddenly he stops.
"F@ck, that stinks," he says.
"It's arthritis," the woman replies.
"What, in your vagina?" he asks.
"No, in my shoulder, i can't wipe my arse!"

Sorry to any ladies reading this, but this is a rip snorter

[Strawb]

A salesman knocks on the door and a 12 year old opens the door smoking a cigar drinking out of a bottle of scotch.
The salesman asks "Little Boy are your parents home?"
To which the kid repiles "Does it f*cking look like it!"

[silicone skyline]

It took me 12 minutes to drag my eyes right to read the joke.

[Mr66]

St.Peter barges past the pearly gates with Luciano Pavarotti over his shoulder.
'Hey God, here's the tenner I owe you'.

[silicone skyline]

about a fortnight too late on that one (page 59)

[JK]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. Do you have vagina".......

"Yes" she says......

The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

[Drop Bear]

I was asked to run a marathon the other day.
I said, "Piss off".
They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."
Then I thought........sh*t, I could win this...

[locky801]

The Spoon...



For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.When another waiter brought our water and utensils I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save
15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered,

"I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Strawb]

how do you tell when a port supporter is smiling at you?



You see their tooth.

[silicone skyline]

MAL, is there a way we could pull the best jokes in this thread, the best of the best jokes, and make them into a book?
"The best of the best jokes from SAFOOTY"
I reckon it could be a massive money spinner.

[Mr66]

A man was in a hotel room on a business trip and was feeling a bit lonely
so he flicked through the yellow pages looking for a lady.
After finding a suitable ad he rang the number.
"Hi" said the woman.
"Hello, I hear you give massages and I would like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I want sex! I want it hard, fast and now! I'm talking kinky,
the whole night, you name it,we'll do it. Brings toys, dildoes,lotions the lot, all night,
tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound?"

Woman replies "That's fantastic, but you need to dial 0 to get an outside line"

[Strawb]

PENIS TAX.

The only thing that the Taxation department has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that
40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed
30% of the time it is hard up.
20% of the time it is pissed off
10% of the time it is in a hole.
On top of that it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
But we at the taxation department have now decided the Penis will be taxed according to size

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $100
8 - 10" Pole Tax $50
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $25
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $10

Males exceeding 12 Inches must file under capital gains.
Anyone who measures under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
and please do not ask for an extension.

[Mr66]

Did you hear the one about a Port Adelaide football team and an AFL Grand Final.....?

[RustyCage]

Did you hear the one about a Port Adelaide football team and an AFL Grand Final.....?

Yeah, they were there. 14 other teams weren't. Those 14 teams must be a joke.

[Mr66]

Did you hear the one about a Port Adelaide football team and an AFL Grand Final.....?

Yeah, they were there. 14 other teams weren't. Those 14 teams must be a joke.

I know that one is a confirmed joke.

(STK if you're wondering.)

[mal]

How WEDGIE got his name.

When in school the P.E. teacher took the class for Golf lessons.
A young impressionable lad called Wedgie was asked to grab a club, he grabbed a sand wedge.
The teacher asked Wedgie to hit the ball at the flag on the first green.
Wedgie had picked up his first club ever and with a graceful swing connected
the golf ball sweetly, and the ball sailed 100metres, 150metres ,200metres, 250metres and on
and on and on for 325 meters off the Sand Wedge and the ball lands an inch from the hole.
Wedgie looks inquisitively at the P.E. teacher and asks.
" SIR NOW WHAT ?"
The stunned P.E. teacher replies.
" Uh ,I suppose you hit the ball into the hole sonny."
Wedgie replies
" NOW YOU TELL ME ! "

[mal]

This one was posted in the AFL room
PORT POWER JOKES by FIRST BLOOD
_______________________________

Channell 10 would like to aplogise for the programming error.
The TV guide said the AFL Grand Final but unfortunately
they screened Australias Biggest Losers by mistake.
Once again Channell 10 apologises for the inconvience

[JK]

A Chihuahua, an Alsatian and a Bulldog are sitting in a park when an attractive Collie comes along. The Collie tells them that the one who constructs the best sentence using the words "Liver" and "Cheese" can take her out. "I love Liver and Cheese", says the Alsatian. The Collie is unimpressed. "I hate Liver and Cheese", says the Bulldog. Again the Collie is unimpressed and shakes her head. Finally, the Chihuahua says "Liver alone lads, Cheese mine!"