BEST JOKES - Warning: Site Rules Still Apply

[smithy]

Yeah I know SS...

Got it in the email today and hadn't posted in the jokes forum for a while so copy and pasted..

Mal should give me a 0.3 for overused punchlines and a stern warning..

[Mr66]

What's better than eating a mandarin?


Eating Amanda out.

[mal]

What's better than eating a mandarin?


Eating Amanda out.

classic !!!

SMITHY yours was OK

[Dirko]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to his barber, who responded "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're flying Air Italia," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Air Italia?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown Hilton." "That dump? That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of Air Italia's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel -- it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job, and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! " "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?," asked the barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"

[silicone skyline]

Two crackers above.
Brilliant work!!!

[THE MOLE]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came
upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sa tdown and looked
over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00 -
Fried Explorer: $15.00 -
Grilled Adelaide supporter: $10.00 -
Baked Port supporter: $100. 00 -

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why
such a price difference for the Port supporter ?'

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."

[silicone skyline]

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse.

[Dirko]

What do you do if a bird s##ts on your windscreen?

Don't take her out again....

[Drop Bear]

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's Dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His Dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his Dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny. "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision"

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be fu**ed if he needed glasses."

[JK]

A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father
if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal
with his son.

'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little
and get your hair cut; and we'll talk about the car. The boy thought about
that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son I've been real proud. You
brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying
your Bible but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut.'

The young man paused a moment then said 'You know, Dad I've been thinking
about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long
hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's
even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'

To this his father replied 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

[silicone skyline]

Who would you tell that joke to CP?
Who?

[JK]

Who would you tell that joke to CP?
Who?

Ermm anyone?? Im not sure whether it's coz I'm tired and hungover on a Monday morning, but I'm not sure what you're getting at?

[JK]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the
plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why
the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent And that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent
says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits
very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says:
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The
Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm
making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat
down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

[JK]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his
favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled
her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So,
you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally
ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to
him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,
he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back,
gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled
proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I
Norwegian."

[mal]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his
favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled
her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So,
you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally
ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to
him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,
he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back,
gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled
proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I
Norwegian."

This one will get a very high score on the ratings

[silicone skyline]

Who would you tell that joke to CP?
Who?

Ermm anyone?? Im not sure whether it's coz I'm tired and hungover on a Monday morning, but I'm not sure what you're getting at?

It just really really sucked.
I dont know if you told that one to anyone, but i can;t imagine many raising a chuckle over it.

On the other hand

FINISH??
HAHAHA!
Classic

[silicone skyline]

A man begins to go down on a woman.
Suddenly he stops.
"F@ck, that stinks," he says.
"It's arthritis," the woman replies.
"What, in your vagina?" he asks.
"No, in my shoulder, i can't wipe my arse!"

[JK]

Who would you tell that joke to CP?
Who?

Ermm anyone?? Im not sure whether it's coz I'm tired and hungover on a Monday morning, but I'm not sure what you're getting at?

It just really really sucked.
I dont know if you told that one to anyone, but i can;t imagine many raising a chuckle over it.

LOL One mans Trash is another mans treasure mate, I actually had a chuckle over it ... More so than the arthritis effort btw, but hey, we're all different right?

[silicone skyline]

Oh hell yeah, but not THAT different.
It sucked.
Better than the arthritis one?
Maybe.
I know which one i would tell my mates, and which one i would tell my mum.
She has arthritis too.
Jokes, she doesn't really.
Sorry mum.

[smac]

How many personalities did you use to type that last post SS?